been a long time, eh? time has passed quickly here.... all said, this is a good thing.
mom had her last surgery-- docs removed her thyroid which was cancer-suspicious. although scans say she's now clear all of all cancer, she goes for a PET-scan to make sure. either way, mom says she's done. she'll probably take an oral radiation type pill.... but we need to learn more about it before it's definite. she doesn't want to go thru any crap again and of course, this pill would almost guarantee some sort of crap! the decision is hers.
she's in great spirits now... her next biggest thing is getting to the "cancer dentist" to fit her for dentures. she can't put her old lowers in so chewing food is laborous and something she chooses not to do. she's still got her peg-tube, so she's getting nutrition (and, has gained 2 pounds)! of course she wants to eat real food-- who can blame her for that?! so she's excited for this dentist visit. unfortunately it's not until february-- popular guy.
you know how god always puts you on a path no matter what you think about that path? i've never 2nd-guessed mine..... it's been stressful, but i just can't question his will; it's not in me. well, i'm talking about my getting a job. been at this for a year and a half-- close but no cigar-- until this week. if all goes well, i start january 4th. god knew what was still coming for me so those other jobs didn't pan out.... he knew when the time was right so i'm hoping for everything working out. but-- there's always that maybe..... so i'm just going about my days waiting to hear the deal is done without any kind of worry at all. it feels good to be at peace with all this. so much is on the line but i've got peace. thank you heavenly father!
it'll probably be another few months before i write again. merry christmas everyone! happy new year.... and all that good stuff.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, August 24, 2009
saturday, 8/29/09
youngest son has successfully moved onto the world of college. wahoo! he moved into his dorm a week ago-- thanks to his siblings, the move was not only efficient but also inspirational. one sib took the job of moving the big stuff, the other took the job of introducing him to peeps. (i should mention they all go/went to the same university) when all was done and i headed toward home, i drove by the 3 of them walking together on the sidewalk toward a new student center. i will never lose that mental picture... it makes no difference to me that an actual picture couldn't be taken... it'll stay with me forever.
i had no sad tears as my baby-- the last to leave-- was hugged goodbye. for the record i didn't have sad tears when i said goodbye to the twins 4 years ago either. while others may consider this a mothers failing, i can only respond by knowing how i raised 'em. one goodbye-- even one a big as this, simply isn't one of over-powering sadness for me. this was what i shed blood, sweat and tears for 18 years over! i was the hardass, the mentor, the listener, the reachable, the challenger, the guide, the diversion, the 'whoa now,' the 'wellll, huh,' the communicator and provider-- as well as the failure. (yeah, who woulda thunk it?!!) not one of 'em has forgotten who they are or where/what they come from. not one of 'em has dettached themselves from the true core as they venture into their own lives. the gifts i helped give them are to be enjoyed and i'll be damned if i'm gonna put a string attached to them now! it's their time to flyyyyy.
mom has ONE more rad treatment to go-- she did it! YAY!! we've made some new friends during this process.... you can hardly sit in the same waiting room every single day and not reach out to someone going thru the same thing. not forgetting the valets, to the information desk clerks, to the techs, nurses and docs.... they all made this crappy thing endurable. all said, mom is one very blessed lady. some of our new friends really have it rough. we'll keep praying for them.
up next is treating her thyroid. we have no idea what the plan is at this point tho. we could be meeting new friends for all i know. i'm simply grateful she has a break now... her burns are painful and she needs recoup time (even tho the rad will continue it's burn for possibly months, at least it's not direct anymore).
there's a possible job on my horizon. it's a work in progress thing that's been happening for a short while now and it's mind-boggling to me how true "god's plan and time" is. i've got plenty to be concerned about yet gotta trust-- have faith-- that this isn't another test i must overcome. somehow there's got to be an acceptable middle ground for what i do and what needs to be done.
i see doable compromises available... but are they acceptable in god's eyes, in an employers eyes, in my mom's eyes, in... mine? we shall see.
hugs to all out there who continue to follow this blog.
i had no sad tears as my baby-- the last to leave-- was hugged goodbye. for the record i didn't have sad tears when i said goodbye to the twins 4 years ago either. while others may consider this a mothers failing, i can only respond by knowing how i raised 'em. one goodbye-- even one a big as this, simply isn't one of over-powering sadness for me. this was what i shed blood, sweat and tears for 18 years over! i was the hardass, the mentor, the listener, the reachable, the challenger, the guide, the diversion, the 'whoa now,' the 'wellll, huh,' the communicator and provider-- as well as the failure. (yeah, who woulda thunk it?!!) not one of 'em has forgotten who they are or where/what they come from. not one of 'em has dettached themselves from the true core as they venture into their own lives. the gifts i helped give them are to be enjoyed and i'll be damned if i'm gonna put a string attached to them now! it's their time to flyyyyy.
mom has ONE more rad treatment to go-- she did it! YAY!! we've made some new friends during this process.... you can hardly sit in the same waiting room every single day and not reach out to someone going thru the same thing. not forgetting the valets, to the information desk clerks, to the techs, nurses and docs.... they all made this crappy thing endurable. all said, mom is one very blessed lady. some of our new friends really have it rough. we'll keep praying for them.
up next is treating her thyroid. we have no idea what the plan is at this point tho. we could be meeting new friends for all i know. i'm simply grateful she has a break now... her burns are painful and she needs recoup time (even tho the rad will continue it's burn for possibly months, at least it's not direct anymore).
there's a possible job on my horizon. it's a work in progress thing that's been happening for a short while now and it's mind-boggling to me how true "god's plan and time" is. i've got plenty to be concerned about yet gotta trust-- have faith-- that this isn't another test i must overcome. somehow there's got to be an acceptable middle ground for what i do and what needs to be done.
i see doable compromises available... but are they acceptable in god's eyes, in an employers eyes, in my mom's eyes, in... mine? we shall see.
hugs to all out there who continue to follow this blog.
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
7/29/2009
i suppose it was a radical inquiry.... i did one of those on-line longevity calculators. despite my lame lifestyle.... and i did answer every question with complete honesty, why lie to a computer? here are my results:
age: 45
biological age: 43.1
life expectancy: 86.2
it's time to encourage my children to plan for my old age... evidently i'm gonna be around awhile.
happy birthday, oldest children.... the big ole 22! you've got 40 more years of fun to enjoy before you'll be hiring someone to change my diapers.
age: 45
biological age: 43.1
life expectancy: 86.2
it's time to encourage my children to plan for my old age... evidently i'm gonna be around awhile.
happy birthday, oldest children.... the big ole 22! you've got 40 more years of fun to enjoy before you'll be hiring someone to change my diapers.
Friday, July 24, 2009
friday 7/24/09
finally the wait is over. no chemo for mom.
it's difficult to explain all the emotions. for us, it all comes down to 'ok, the scare is over. now let's move on.' do we have major relief? hell yeah. major.
my brother had a hard time wrapping his head around the whole week. it's hard, i believe, to be removed from the day to day-- getting info from me rather than living it as we do. no sooner did he start processing thoughts of mom going thru chemo, the conclusion that she's not having it took place. he's got so much business and life to fill in the gaps, it's no wonder it's hard to get from A to B. it is what it is.... neither of us is going to change our individual daily duties. i'm not sure if i need to say i'm sorry to him.... i don't feel like i've done anything to be sorry for.... i tell him everything i know as timely as things happen. this is a disease we're talking about, it's not a math equation one might be able to google an answer to. but i know it's difficult for him, so yeah, i feel bad when answers aren't immediate or exact.
i find myself frustrated at the whole thing tho. i don't get pounded on for answers but my answers aren't exactly what he needs to hear and i 'feel' that from our conversations. there's a part of me that wants to say 'hey, here's the docs phone number. give 'em a call!' i don't do that but that's how the conversations make me feel.
anyway-- that aside. this is what we learned today.
mom could have chemo once a week for the next 5 weeks. she would also have vomiting, nausea, acne type lesions, rashes, lose her hair and all the fun stuff one gets from the poison. what would having chemo do? it would increase her chances of living cancer free another 6%.
with the surgery done and the 2 tumors removed and with the radiation therapy she's under-going now, her chances of living cancer free are 92%. even with both chemo and rad, she'd not get to 100%! (no one will with cancer)
sooo, being a rather frail 73 year old, the decision to not have chemo was practically a no-brainer. the stats tell the story. would it help? yeah, it might. would it help her achieve a better quality of life? nope. sooo, i went back to my oldest and most basic question...... 'doc, if this was YOUR mom, would you encourage chemo?'
'no.'
after the doc said no, he looked mom straight in the eye and said, 'you've made a very acceptable decision.'
end of story. not really, but it's the end of this particular story!
it's difficult to explain all the emotions. for us, it all comes down to 'ok, the scare is over. now let's move on.' do we have major relief? hell yeah. major.
my brother had a hard time wrapping his head around the whole week. it's hard, i believe, to be removed from the day to day-- getting info from me rather than living it as we do. no sooner did he start processing thoughts of mom going thru chemo, the conclusion that she's not having it took place. he's got so much business and life to fill in the gaps, it's no wonder it's hard to get from A to B. it is what it is.... neither of us is going to change our individual daily duties. i'm not sure if i need to say i'm sorry to him.... i don't feel like i've done anything to be sorry for.... i tell him everything i know as timely as things happen. this is a disease we're talking about, it's not a math equation one might be able to google an answer to. but i know it's difficult for him, so yeah, i feel bad when answers aren't immediate or exact.
i find myself frustrated at the whole thing tho. i don't get pounded on for answers but my answers aren't exactly what he needs to hear and i 'feel' that from our conversations. there's a part of me that wants to say 'hey, here's the docs phone number. give 'em a call!' i don't do that but that's how the conversations make me feel.
anyway-- that aside. this is what we learned today.
mom could have chemo once a week for the next 5 weeks. she would also have vomiting, nausea, acne type lesions, rashes, lose her hair and all the fun stuff one gets from the poison. what would having chemo do? it would increase her chances of living cancer free another 6%.
with the surgery done and the 2 tumors removed and with the radiation therapy she's under-going now, her chances of living cancer free are 92%. even with both chemo and rad, she'd not get to 100%! (no one will with cancer)
sooo, being a rather frail 73 year old, the decision to not have chemo was practically a no-brainer. the stats tell the story. would it help? yeah, it might. would it help her achieve a better quality of life? nope. sooo, i went back to my oldest and most basic question...... 'doc, if this was YOUR mom, would you encourage chemo?'
'no.'
after the doc said no, he looked mom straight in the eye and said, 'you've made a very acceptable decision.'
end of story. not really, but it's the end of this particular story!
Monday, July 20, 2009
monday july 20
here we go. radiation begins. guess you can say we're ready but.... there's that letter that came on saturday that threw us until we heard more about it today. the letter was one of those form letters.... it said mom has an appt this friday with so and so doctor at whatever time.
HUH? who's this doc and why do we need an appt with him?!
well.... i can't complain that they didn't try to help answer our question. a couple people called me back and a couple of people at the hospital tried to find out. essentially all we found out was this was a chemo doc. so, we spent most of the day sick to our stomach. awesome.
the phone rang just as i was swinging out the door for youngest son's college appt. i saw it was the hospital so i picked it up while son's face drained all it's color. i know, i know.... we have to go. but i HAVE to get this!
it was one of our prior nurses on the phone who had heard we were asking questions about an appt... man-- i love this woman! she saw us at the hospital today but missed us before we left. so she called letting us know about the chemo doc. i guess the normal protocol with cancer patients is to see both a radiation doc and a chemo doc. but because no one has ever mentioned chemo to us throughout this whole thing we felt like something slipped thru the cracks.
more than that tho, we felt deceived. it was horrible! mom's ready for rad. all prepared and good to go. then...... we might also have chemo?? well, what the heck?! why weren't we told?
anyway, the butt of it is that protocol. all patients see both rad and chemo docs, but you don't necessarily have both treatments. it's a case by case basis. the chemo department is simply 2 weeks behind in their appointments. ohhhhhh! ok then.
so will mom also have chemo? god i hope not. but we'll go to the appt and find out.
i dunno if i'd say it was a good day. but son got his pic taken for his ID, his classes scheduled and his dorm contract signed. and, we got our form letter question answered. our stomachs have recovered from the shock of potential chemo, but.... we're better than we were at 3pm.
HUH? who's this doc and why do we need an appt with him?!
well.... i can't complain that they didn't try to help answer our question. a couple people called me back and a couple of people at the hospital tried to find out. essentially all we found out was this was a chemo doc. so, we spent most of the day sick to our stomach. awesome.
the phone rang just as i was swinging out the door for youngest son's college appt. i saw it was the hospital so i picked it up while son's face drained all it's color. i know, i know.... we have to go. but i HAVE to get this!
it was one of our prior nurses on the phone who had heard we were asking questions about an appt... man-- i love this woman! she saw us at the hospital today but missed us before we left. so she called letting us know about the chemo doc. i guess the normal protocol with cancer patients is to see both a radiation doc and a chemo doc. but because no one has ever mentioned chemo to us throughout this whole thing we felt like something slipped thru the cracks.
more than that tho, we felt deceived. it was horrible! mom's ready for rad. all prepared and good to go. then...... we might also have chemo?? well, what the heck?! why weren't we told?
anyway, the butt of it is that protocol. all patients see both rad and chemo docs, but you don't necessarily have both treatments. it's a case by case basis. the chemo department is simply 2 weeks behind in their appointments. ohhhhhh! ok then.
so will mom also have chemo? god i hope not. but we'll go to the appt and find out.
i dunno if i'd say it was a good day. but son got his pic taken for his ID, his classes scheduled and his dorm contract signed. and, we got our form letter question answered. our stomachs have recovered from the shock of potential chemo, but.... we're better than we were at 3pm.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
thursday... a bit of fun
the day has been extremely stressful.... so when i got an update on oldest daughter, some fun entered the day-- yay!
my daughter really did it right when she got her first full time job. she earned every letter on that job offer, lemme tell you.
anyway.... she's in chicago doing a client promotion. check out what she helped put together:
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Just-Another-Day-of-Showering-With-Strangers.html
my daughter really did it right when she got her first full time job. she earned every letter on that job offer, lemme tell you.
anyway.... she's in chicago doing a client promotion. check out what she helped put together:
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Just-Another-Day-of-Showering-With-Strangers.html
Sunday, July 5, 2009
sunday! 7/5/09
finally got mom's room painted today. WAHOO! youngest son and oldest daughter helped.... timed that one right, eh?!! haha. ohhh- the dog helped too.... he resembles a dalmation now. bath sometime soon, but not tonight.
all bedding and curtains were washed during the process.... got the curtains hung back up already, waiting on bedding to dry. in the meanwhile, i put only her necessary items back in. i had her do a walk thru with me and she decided to paint a couple more things so i don't wanna going moving things for the 3rd time. as long as the walls were beautious i am happy to do more pieces parts for her!! she was so happy.
tomorrow is making of the mask day. mom gets her nails done later in the afternoon-- gonna be a tired lil one! she's using all her energy thinking about what pictures she wants where, so at least she's not festering over cancer stuff. my bro took all his pics down and stuff out last month in prep for this day of painting.... finally-- she'll get her room to look exactly as she wants it-- no remaining kid stuff to work around. she moved into that room to give dad space and to give her some peace. she doesn't wanna go back into 'dad's' room-- their marriage bedroom. makes me sorta sad but at least she's happy.
hope everyone had a safe holiday! back to the grindstone, eh?
all bedding and curtains were washed during the process.... got the curtains hung back up already, waiting on bedding to dry. in the meanwhile, i put only her necessary items back in. i had her do a walk thru with me and she decided to paint a couple more things so i don't wanna going moving things for the 3rd time. as long as the walls were beautious i am happy to do more pieces parts for her!! she was so happy.
tomorrow is making of the mask day. mom gets her nails done later in the afternoon-- gonna be a tired lil one! she's using all her energy thinking about what pictures she wants where, so at least she's not festering over cancer stuff. my bro took all his pics down and stuff out last month in prep for this day of painting.... finally-- she'll get her room to look exactly as she wants it-- no remaining kid stuff to work around. she moved into that room to give dad space and to give her some peace. she doesn't wanna go back into 'dad's' room-- their marriage bedroom. makes me sorta sad but at least she's happy.
hope everyone had a safe holiday! back to the grindstone, eh?
Thursday, July 2, 2009
26 Guards
God's 26 Guards Here's a message that will bring you chills. Have you ever felt the urge to pray for someone and Then just put it on a list and said, 'I'll pray for them later'? Or has anyone ever called you and said, 'I need you to pray for me, I have this need?' Read the following story that was sent to me and may it change the way that you may think about prayer and also the way you pray. You will be blessed by this.... A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan . 'While serving at a small field hospital in Africa , every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine, and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital. Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident.... Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried Money and medicines. He said, 'Some friends and I followed you in to the jungle, Knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, We saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards. At this, I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone in that jungle campsite.. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, 'No, sir, I was not the only person to see the guards, my friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that We were afraid and left you alone' At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date, and the man who interrupted told him this story: 'On the night of your incident in Africa , it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong, I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?' The men who had met together to pray that day stood up. The missionary wasn't concerned with whom they were, He was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26. This story is an incredible example of how the Spirit of the Lord moves in behalf of those who love Him. If you ever feel such prodding to pray, go along with it, you don't know what it can mean to that person. Nothing is ever hurt by prayer except the gates of hell. I encourage you to forward this to as many people as you know. If we all take it to heart, we can turn this world toward God once again. As the above true story clearly illustrates, 'With God all things are possible'. More importantly, how God hears and Answers the prayers of the faithful. After you read this, please pass it on and Give God thanks for the beautiful gift of your faith, for the powerful gift of prayer, and for the many miracles He works in your own daily life... And then pass it on. Who says God does not move on the earth today? I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today. To guide you and protect you as you go along your way. His love is always with you, His promises are true, and when we give Him our cares you know He will see us through. So when the road you're traveling on seems difficult at best, Just remember I'm here praying, And God will do the rest.
Wednesday, July 1, 2009
tuesday 7/1/09
happy almost birthday to our nation!
it's been a rough week personally, but mom's week has been ok.
we went to the radiation consult yesterday-- 3 hours! yikes!! we learned about everything and mom is ready to get started. sure thought there'd be some depression but she's good as gold!
she gets fitted for what they call a mask next monday. they will use this mask to hold her head in place while she gets burned..... it's horrible to refer to it that way, but that's what it is! we'll get her rad schedule planned then she'll start.
we learned yesterday that because the hospital will practically be a home base for us the next couple of months that they "treat" us to free valet parking or free garage parking. incredible how such a small thing made us so happy! that money adds up!
s'all for now. happy 4th, everyone!
it's been a rough week personally, but mom's week has been ok.
we went to the radiation consult yesterday-- 3 hours! yikes!! we learned about everything and mom is ready to get started. sure thought there'd be some depression but she's good as gold!
she gets fitted for what they call a mask next monday. they will use this mask to hold her head in place while she gets burned..... it's horrible to refer to it that way, but that's what it is! we'll get her rad schedule planned then she'll start.
we learned yesterday that because the hospital will practically be a home base for us the next couple of months that they "treat" us to free valet parking or free garage parking. incredible how such a small thing made us so happy! that money adds up!
s'all for now. happy 4th, everyone!
Friday, June 26, 2009
random stuff floating in my head
... i can only wish for some sort of landing!
i mentioned in my last post that the gathering of information is my most frustrating part of caregiving. because you have to dive into peoples stories, it also becomes tremendously sad.
so i go thru my days gaining good knowledge, feeling a bit overwhelmed as its vastness, and feeling a deep fear for what's on the horizon.
it's not the stuff mom has to do that creates the fear-- it's wondering how she's going to handle it. and, how i'm going to handle it!
i wonder if she's going to stop treatments before they start, and frankly, i see real reasons for it. i haven't old her all i know as i'm going to leave that to her doctor (we see him on tuesday). no reason to give her several days of horrible shit to think about.
i want nothing more than for my mom to live yet it comes down to that quality of life thing i feel so strongly about. she's going to be injected, burned and cut open. then she'll have to be injected and burned all over again after she gets cut. she doesn't know all of that yet-- she only knows parts of it.
she deserves better. after dad passed, she got a big chunk of her life back-- now it's being taken away in small increments of torture. what is god planning for her? and at 73, will she accept his terms? will i?
my parents are wonderful people. they gave to others without strings attached. we had the "leave it to beaver" family. no drama-- our lives centered on the 4 of us, our extended family, church, careers and making a difference for those who were less fortunate.
i cannot understand why our god chose to give my parents the one big trial of their lives during their golden years.
my dad was brilliant and shared his brilliance with the world. he had no arrogance when it came to sharing his knowledge or wisdom with others. he lost his brain power to alzheimers-- his gifts were taken away.
my mom. she is as brilliant as dad was. her talent has been shared more selectively-- specifically with my brother, close friends and me. she's always been a go-getter. at a full foot shorter than i, it was always hard to keep up with her while walking-- when she had someplace to go, she go there fast! she could get thru more tasks in a day than i could conjure up attempting. she was here, there, everywhere. now, she's losing her legs and going to endure practically everyone of her greatest fears-- doctors, hospitals, injections... pain.
it may seem like i'm sitting here questioning god. it's sorta there, but i have more faith in his ultimate plan. it seems like his plan for me is to test that path of faith. whatever journey i'm on-- and was on with dad, is his plan being put in motion for me. so far, this is my greatest test in life. i wonder if i have the ability to stay on the path cuz i'm waivering a bit.
join me in prayer?
i mentioned in my last post that the gathering of information is my most frustrating part of caregiving. because you have to dive into peoples stories, it also becomes tremendously sad.
so i go thru my days gaining good knowledge, feeling a bit overwhelmed as its vastness, and feeling a deep fear for what's on the horizon.
it's not the stuff mom has to do that creates the fear-- it's wondering how she's going to handle it. and, how i'm going to handle it!
i wonder if she's going to stop treatments before they start, and frankly, i see real reasons for it. i haven't old her all i know as i'm going to leave that to her doctor (we see him on tuesday). no reason to give her several days of horrible shit to think about.
i want nothing more than for my mom to live yet it comes down to that quality of life thing i feel so strongly about. she's going to be injected, burned and cut open. then she'll have to be injected and burned all over again after she gets cut. she doesn't know all of that yet-- she only knows parts of it.
she deserves better. after dad passed, she got a big chunk of her life back-- now it's being taken away in small increments of torture. what is god planning for her? and at 73, will she accept his terms? will i?
my parents are wonderful people. they gave to others without strings attached. we had the "leave it to beaver" family. no drama-- our lives centered on the 4 of us, our extended family, church, careers and making a difference for those who were less fortunate.
i cannot understand why our god chose to give my parents the one big trial of their lives during their golden years.
my dad was brilliant and shared his brilliance with the world. he had no arrogance when it came to sharing his knowledge or wisdom with others. he lost his brain power to alzheimers-- his gifts were taken away.
my mom. she is as brilliant as dad was. her talent has been shared more selectively-- specifically with my brother, close friends and me. she's always been a go-getter. at a full foot shorter than i, it was always hard to keep up with her while walking-- when she had someplace to go, she go there fast! she could get thru more tasks in a day than i could conjure up attempting. she was here, there, everywhere. now, she's losing her legs and going to endure practically everyone of her greatest fears-- doctors, hospitals, injections... pain.
it may seem like i'm sitting here questioning god. it's sorta there, but i have more faith in his ultimate plan. it seems like his plan for me is to test that path of faith. whatever journey i'm on-- and was on with dad, is his plan being put in motion for me. so far, this is my greatest test in life. i wonder if i have the ability to stay on the path cuz i'm waivering a bit.
join me in prayer?
Monday, June 22, 2009
Monday, 6/22/09
maybe you'll notice my blog's name has changed. guess it became time to acknowledge my time with dad is no longer valid on this earth. my time is precious, now, with mom.
i'm in a bit of a fog today. it was a difficult weekend and mom's oncologist appointment this morning hasn't lessened the trials. in back of all this fog is reality-- thankfully it comes into focus when necessary.
my greatest joy today is that mom is eating and doing her normal thing. she certainly heard everything i did this morning.... her fog seems to mirror mine-- we focus when we have to and let everything else simmer away inside our respective heads when not facing each other directly.
the first thing i need to do-- soon, is get information. there's tons of it at the hospital so i'll grab it, bunker down and let the info sink in. things will evolve from there.
i'm remembering my first weeks of caregiving for dad and his alzheimer's disease. tons of places to get info, but nothing immediately answering important questions. you have to dig and probe.... there's tons of generic information but god help you with specifics. i seriously get frustrated with this part. i remember with complete admiration two people: lori and joanne. one a caregiver knee-deep in alz, the other a RN with some serious get-down-to-business answers. lifesavers!!! in no time, along came several others throwing their 2-cents worth and ta-da..... score!!
yes, it will come. but yes, i'm in infant info stages here and am feeling lost.
most everyone knows my great belief in god. as i sit here, i'll thank him for the strength he's giving me and the faith he has in me. back at `cha, father! i'll also kneel on my knees to pray for everything he knows i need. and, i'm in great need so there's gonna be a lot more kneeling.
i could take the time to write out what's next for mom..... for me..... but tonight, i know it will come out as cold and hard. frankly, what's next is exactly those things but i wish to go about writing it all better than that.
the pissy attitude portion of tonights segment follows.....
i know we're not the first to deal with cancer. i know we'll get thru it. i know god will be there for us every step of the way. i know we'll have good days and not so good days. i know i--we, need to find courage and hope and i know i need to take care of myself. i know nothing is easy and life gives us challenges. i know it'll get easier, then it will get worse, then better, then perhaps it'll be done. and i know we'll have to hang in there.
right now all that stuff is just blah, blah, blah. words.
well. ok then! pissy attitude portion is now complete and you're free to roam happier places on the net.
tomorrow will be a better day.
i'm in a bit of a fog today. it was a difficult weekend and mom's oncologist appointment this morning hasn't lessened the trials. in back of all this fog is reality-- thankfully it comes into focus when necessary.
my greatest joy today is that mom is eating and doing her normal thing. she certainly heard everything i did this morning.... her fog seems to mirror mine-- we focus when we have to and let everything else simmer away inside our respective heads when not facing each other directly.
the first thing i need to do-- soon, is get information. there's tons of it at the hospital so i'll grab it, bunker down and let the info sink in. things will evolve from there.
i'm remembering my first weeks of caregiving for dad and his alzheimer's disease. tons of places to get info, but nothing immediately answering important questions. you have to dig and probe.... there's tons of generic information but god help you with specifics. i seriously get frustrated with this part. i remember with complete admiration two people: lori and joanne. one a caregiver knee-deep in alz, the other a RN with some serious get-down-to-business answers. lifesavers!!! in no time, along came several others throwing their 2-cents worth and ta-da..... score!!
yes, it will come. but yes, i'm in infant info stages here and am feeling lost.
most everyone knows my great belief in god. as i sit here, i'll thank him for the strength he's giving me and the faith he has in me. back at `cha, father! i'll also kneel on my knees to pray for everything he knows i need. and, i'm in great need so there's gonna be a lot more kneeling.
i could take the time to write out what's next for mom..... for me..... but tonight, i know it will come out as cold and hard. frankly, what's next is exactly those things but i wish to go about writing it all better than that.
the pissy attitude portion of tonights segment follows.....
i know we're not the first to deal with cancer. i know we'll get thru it. i know god will be there for us every step of the way. i know we'll have good days and not so good days. i know i--we, need to find courage and hope and i know i need to take care of myself. i know nothing is easy and life gives us challenges. i know it'll get easier, then it will get worse, then better, then perhaps it'll be done. and i know we'll have to hang in there.
right now all that stuff is just blah, blah, blah. words.
well. ok then! pissy attitude portion is now complete and you're free to roam happier places on the net.
tomorrow will be a better day.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
wednesday
i'm not myself right now. several times recently i've cried. not random cries... they were each valid! what's strange is that i've not been able to cry for a long time. lots of stuff has happened that i should have been able to cry over but-- tears never came. is this the beginning of my cleansing? i can honestly say i hope so. i feel as if i really need it. anyway, here's the latest crying episode... an email i've read before, but really touches me:
Two Choices
What would you do?.....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice? At a fund-raising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' T he audience was stilled by the query. The father continued... 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' Then he told the following story: Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball... Shay asked, 'Do you think the y'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in t he game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up t he soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he , too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheared as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team 'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
Two Choices
What would you do?.....you make the choice. Don't look for a punch line, there isn't one.. Read it anyway. My question is: Would you have made the same choice? At a fund-raising dinner for a school that serves children with learning disabilities, the father of one of the students delivered a speech that would never be forgotten by all who attended.. After extolling the school and its dedicated staff, he offered a question: 'When not interfered with by outside influences, everything nature does, is done with perfection. Yet my son, Shay, cannot learn things as other children do. He cannot understand things as other children do. Where is the natural order of things in my son?' T he audience was stilled by the query. The father continued... 'I believe that when a child like Shay, who was mentally and physically disabled comes into the world, an opportunity to realize true human nature presents itself, and it comes in the way other people treat that child.' Then he told the following story: Shay and I had walked past a park where some boys Shay knew were playing baseball... Shay asked, 'Do you think the y'll let me play?' I knew that most of the boys would not want someone like Shay on their team, but as a father I also understood that if my son were allowed to play, it would give him a much-needed sense of belonging and some confidence to be accepted by others in spite of his handicaps. I approached one of the boys on the field and asked (not expecting much) if Shay could play. The boy looked around for guidance and said, 'We're losing by six runs and the game is in the eighth inning. I guess he can be on our team and we'll try to put him in to bat in the ninth inning.' Shay struggled over to the team's bench and, with a broad smile, put on a team shirt. I watched with a small tear in my eye and warmth in my heart. The boys saw my joy at my son being accepted. In the bottom of the eighth inning, Shay's team scored a few runs but was still behind by three. In the top of the ninth inning, Shay put on a glove and played in the right field. Even though no hits came his way, he was obviously ecstatic just to be in t he game and on the field, grinning from ear to ear as I waved to him from the stands. In the bottom of the ninth inning, Shay's team scored again. Now, with two outs and the bases loaded, the potential winning run was on base and Shay was scheduled to be next at bat. At this juncture, do they let Shay bat and give away their chance to win the game? Surprisingly, Shay was given the bat. Everyone knew that a hit was all but impossible because Shay didn't even know how to hold the bat properly, much less connect with the ball. However, as Shay stepped up to the plate, the pitcher, recognizing that the other team was putting winning aside for this moment in Shay's life, moved in a few steps to lob the ball in softly so Shay could at least make contact. The first pitch came and Shay swung clumsily and missed. The pitcher again took a few steps forward to toss the ball softly towards Shay. As the pitch came in, Shay swung at the ball and hit a slow ground ball right back to the pitcher. The game would now be over. The pitcher picked up t he soft grounder and could have easily thrown the ball to the first baseman. Shay would have been out and that would have been the end of the game. Instead, the pitcher threw the ball right over the first baseman's head, out of reach of all team mates. Everyone from the stands and both teams started yelling, 'Shay, run to first! Run to first!' Never in his life had Shay ever run that far, but he made it to first base. He scampered down the baseline, wide-eyed and startled. Everyone yelled, 'Run to second, run to second!' Catching his breath, Shay awkwardly ran towards second, gleaming and struggling to make it to the base. By the time Shay rounded towards second base, the right fielder had the ball . the smallest guy on their team who now had his first chance to be the hero for his team. He could have thrown the ball to the second-baseman for the tag, but he understood the pitcher's intentions so he , too, intentionally threw the ball high and far over the third-baseman's head. Shay ran toward third base deliriously as the runners ahead of him circled the bases toward home. All were screaming, 'Shay, Shay, Shay, all the Way Shay' Shay reached third base because the opposing shortstop ran to help him by turning him in the direction of third base, and shouted, 'Run to third! Shay, run to third!' As Shay rounded third, the boys from both teams, and the spectators, were on their feet screaming, 'Shay, run home! Run home!' Shay ran to home, stepped on the plate, and was cheared as the hero who hit the grand slam and won the game for his team 'That day', said the father softly with tears now rolling down his face, 'the boys from both teams helped bring a piece of true love and humanity into this world'. Shay didn't make it to another summer. He died that winter, having never forgotten being the hero and making me so happy, and coming home and seeing his Mother tearfully embrace her little hero of the day!
Sunday, June 14, 2009
sunday 6/13
so far so good!
wound care: neck incision (lymph nodes), trach hole, leg graft, feeding tube plug
meds: 4 in pill form must be pulverized and made into liquid, one liquid needs more liquid
nutrition: 5x day via feeding tube
not a bad days work all in all! we've experienced difficulty with feeding only once-- one of the pills mom takes has a tough coating that doesn't dissolve well at all... a little piece of shell got stuck in the tube. after i dug that out, all was well with the world again. tomorrow i'm inquiring to a liquid form of that little sucker. we will not be defeated!
mom's talking much better now. some syllables still aren't articulated well enough to understand... but that's what paper and pens are for, right?! her tongue is still swollen but gotta share that it's pink again and looks normal-- other than it's size. nice work, docs!
she's feeling "wonderful!" loves being back home and regaining her independence. the nurse came out to see her friday and told us about a chef who had the same cancer as mom. here's the story if anyone is interested:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_max
to prove what a great sense of humor mom has, we've got a joke about her new tongue that was rebuilt thanks to her thigh.... sooo, just how many razors does it take to shave a tongue?!
:)
wound care: neck incision (lymph nodes), trach hole, leg graft, feeding tube plug
meds: 4 in pill form must be pulverized and made into liquid, one liquid needs more liquid
nutrition: 5x day via feeding tube
not a bad days work all in all! we've experienced difficulty with feeding only once-- one of the pills mom takes has a tough coating that doesn't dissolve well at all... a little piece of shell got stuck in the tube. after i dug that out, all was well with the world again. tomorrow i'm inquiring to a liquid form of that little sucker. we will not be defeated!
mom's talking much better now. some syllables still aren't articulated well enough to understand... but that's what paper and pens are for, right?! her tongue is still swollen but gotta share that it's pink again and looks normal-- other than it's size. nice work, docs!
she's feeling "wonderful!" loves being back home and regaining her independence. the nurse came out to see her friday and told us about a chef who had the same cancer as mom. here's the story if anyone is interested:
http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2008/05/12/080512fa_fact_max
to prove what a great sense of humor mom has, we've got a joke about her new tongue that was rebuilt thanks to her thigh.... sooo, just how many razors does it take to shave a tongue?!
:)
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
tuesday... update on mom
THANK YOU to everyone for the emails asking how mom is!!
i've just returned from the hospital and have bunches of good news. my visits are twice daily-- a.m. and p.m. for about 3 hours each visit. my brother is now out of town, but he's been visiting each afternoon so mom has "enough" company during the day-- and so she can rest.
the surgery was 100% successful and (yay!) mom certainly survived. docs say every cancerous tumor was removed so we're hopeful nothing decides to return. as of now, there's no plan for chemo or radiation. they did take her neck lymph nodes out because they were "getting bumpy." it was either do it now or do it later-- they made the right choice as far as i'm concerned.
her traech prevents her from talking-- so does the enormous amount of tongue swelling... but the good news here is that she's already been traech down-sized! they put a smaller tube in this morning-- this will stay in 24-36 hours, then she'll get the final traech which she wears only 24 hours... then they close her up using tape until the hole closes completely by itself. she showed off a bit this morning by putting her finger over the traech and said "1-2-3" out loud! the biggest smile was on her face-- i had no idea this was possible-- thought talking would come only when the damn thing was removed entirely. tears came down. sheer joy!
i'm being trained on tube feeding. i must pass the test consistently before they'll let her go home and leave me in charge. it's not a difficult thing-- but it is rather scary. my greatest worry isn't my performance, but the limited number of times mom is able to take nutrition. her pre-surgery normal meal could be a half a crabcake and milk!! docs and nurses have certain nutrition stats that patients must attain-- mom's intake is below those. while they are coming around to understand she weighs only 85# and eats like a bird normally.... they're really watching to ensure she's not trying to pull a fast one on them! i can appreciate their efforts but facts are facts on mom's normal intake. she simply cannot take more than 100 ml of water and 100 ml of nutrition-- and she'll do that only once or twice a day! (by the way, their "meal" goal is 200 ml water and 200 ml nutrition, 3-4x day so you can see why they worry!) thankfully they've agreed to smaller intakes every 2-3 hours. mom has been comfortable with this and that alone is why they continue to allow us this leniency. the last thing we want is bloating, nausea and/or diahhrea.... if she has too much, that's the result.
home healthcare has been arranged but i'm pretty sure we won't need them as much as we did with prior surgeries. we'll certainly need the nurse to ensure infections don't creep in and wounds heal, but there's no post-op physical therapy or occ therapy this time around.
if all goes smoothly mom may get home by weeks end. her pups misses her but has been a good girl by behaving herself! she gets a little mad as one would expect... but so far, no accidents or mischief.
that's it in a nutshell! :)
i've just returned from the hospital and have bunches of good news. my visits are twice daily-- a.m. and p.m. for about 3 hours each visit. my brother is now out of town, but he's been visiting each afternoon so mom has "enough" company during the day-- and so she can rest.
the surgery was 100% successful and (yay!) mom certainly survived. docs say every cancerous tumor was removed so we're hopeful nothing decides to return. as of now, there's no plan for chemo or radiation. they did take her neck lymph nodes out because they were "getting bumpy." it was either do it now or do it later-- they made the right choice as far as i'm concerned.
her traech prevents her from talking-- so does the enormous amount of tongue swelling... but the good news here is that she's already been traech down-sized! they put a smaller tube in this morning-- this will stay in 24-36 hours, then she'll get the final traech which she wears only 24 hours... then they close her up using tape until the hole closes completely by itself. she showed off a bit this morning by putting her finger over the traech and said "1-2-3" out loud! the biggest smile was on her face-- i had no idea this was possible-- thought talking would come only when the damn thing was removed entirely. tears came down. sheer joy!
i'm being trained on tube feeding. i must pass the test consistently before they'll let her go home and leave me in charge. it's not a difficult thing-- but it is rather scary. my greatest worry isn't my performance, but the limited number of times mom is able to take nutrition. her pre-surgery normal meal could be a half a crabcake and milk!! docs and nurses have certain nutrition stats that patients must attain-- mom's intake is below those. while they are coming around to understand she weighs only 85# and eats like a bird normally.... they're really watching to ensure she's not trying to pull a fast one on them! i can appreciate their efforts but facts are facts on mom's normal intake. she simply cannot take more than 100 ml of water and 100 ml of nutrition-- and she'll do that only once or twice a day! (by the way, their "meal" goal is 200 ml water and 200 ml nutrition, 3-4x day so you can see why they worry!) thankfully they've agreed to smaller intakes every 2-3 hours. mom has been comfortable with this and that alone is why they continue to allow us this leniency. the last thing we want is bloating, nausea and/or diahhrea.... if she has too much, that's the result.
home healthcare has been arranged but i'm pretty sure we won't need them as much as we did with prior surgeries. we'll certainly need the nurse to ensure infections don't creep in and wounds heal, but there's no post-op physical therapy or occ therapy this time around.
if all goes smoothly mom may get home by weeks end. her pups misses her but has been a good girl by behaving herself! she gets a little mad as one would expect... but so far, no accidents or mischief.
that's it in a nutshell! :)
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
6/2/09
i'm tired!! all of mom's gardens (vast in numbers) are weeded and the trees are trimmed and branches cleaned up. it's taken me 3 weeks to complete this project and i hope (!!) tomorrow brings that to an acceptable end. 'course the deadline wasn't anything discussed, but i knew it must be done before mom's surgery on thursday.
with school out now, my lil man (yeah right!! he's almost 18 and 6' tall!!) has been a big help on the bigger stuff. thanks kid!
around the weather patterns-- which in ohio means 90 one day 34 the next, i've also been able to get mom's bedroom walls patched and sanded down. i'll paint her room while she recovers in the hospital. (well, that's the grand plan anyway!)
all good stuff-- 'cept my back is crying in pain!
we check mom in at 6:45am thursday... surgery begins at 8:45am. my brother is planning on being there with me-- shocked the shit outta me! i'm glad for the support.... i'm hearing too many "this is my last....." comments these past couple of days. thankfully we're doing a ton of laughing, too. it's balanced things for both of us. anyway, brother hasn't joined the pre-op fun in prior surgeries, which makes my head spin around wondering why this one and not the last two?! yes, i've managed to create all kinds of reasons..... i love my head. it doesn't matter really.... i'm simply happy he'll be there. i've had too much alone time with weeds and tree branches, that's all. =)
i'll do my best to update y'all. thanks for the prayers!!
with school out now, my lil man (yeah right!! he's almost 18 and 6' tall!!) has been a big help on the bigger stuff. thanks kid!
around the weather patterns-- which in ohio means 90 one day 34 the next, i've also been able to get mom's bedroom walls patched and sanded down. i'll paint her room while she recovers in the hospital. (well, that's the grand plan anyway!)
all good stuff-- 'cept my back is crying in pain!
we check mom in at 6:45am thursday... surgery begins at 8:45am. my brother is planning on being there with me-- shocked the shit outta me! i'm glad for the support.... i'm hearing too many "this is my last....." comments these past couple of days. thankfully we're doing a ton of laughing, too. it's balanced things for both of us. anyway, brother hasn't joined the pre-op fun in prior surgeries, which makes my head spin around wondering why this one and not the last two?! yes, i've managed to create all kinds of reasons..... i love my head. it doesn't matter really.... i'm simply happy he'll be there. i've had too much alone time with weeds and tree branches, that's all. =)
i'll do my best to update y'all. thanks for the prayers!!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
sunday 5/23
long weekends were once something i enjoyed.... 7 day a week caregiving means no more long weekends. i find myself not caring about that-- which i guess is good!
our little lane is a hidden santuary-- a place where quiet rules during the summer. with the trees and flowers in full bloom it's a piece of heaven on earth-- something a long weekend couldn't even come close to topping as i enjoy it all day and all night long.
youngest sons graduation ceremony was friday night. grad parties have begun and will continue thru the weekend. good thing he's got a ton of friends cuz we aren't able to host one ourselves. i haven't told him his college of choice has upped his scholarship and grant funds-- i hope this will be accepted as his grad gift! i've still got to come up with thousands more to actually get him there.... buy hey-- every little bit counts and the school has answered our prayers with additional assistance from their own purse strings.
as memorial day approaches, i'm planning my annual trip to the family grave sites. i've read several articles this past week about how memorial day has simply become a long weekend for people in the united states. it's made me sad as this day deserves so much more respect. it's not about opening pools and wearing white shoes..... it's honoring those who serve and protect our country! well, i'll do my part and i hope y'all will do yours. i've put a new flag out on mom's pole... dad would be happy to see that.
happy memorial day, folks!
our little lane is a hidden santuary-- a place where quiet rules during the summer. with the trees and flowers in full bloom it's a piece of heaven on earth-- something a long weekend couldn't even come close to topping as i enjoy it all day and all night long.
youngest sons graduation ceremony was friday night. grad parties have begun and will continue thru the weekend. good thing he's got a ton of friends cuz we aren't able to host one ourselves. i haven't told him his college of choice has upped his scholarship and grant funds-- i hope this will be accepted as his grad gift! i've still got to come up with thousands more to actually get him there.... buy hey-- every little bit counts and the school has answered our prayers with additional assistance from their own purse strings.
as memorial day approaches, i'm planning my annual trip to the family grave sites. i've read several articles this past week about how memorial day has simply become a long weekend for people in the united states. it's made me sad as this day deserves so much more respect. it's not about opening pools and wearing white shoes..... it's honoring those who serve and protect our country! well, i'll do my part and i hope y'all will do yours. i've put a new flag out on mom's pole... dad would be happy to see that.
happy memorial day, folks!
Friday, May 15, 2009
friday-- 5/14/09
wow-- two posts in a week! i've decided to post again because i just finished reading a book that i've gotta recommend.
eat, pray, love
by elizabeth gilbert
anyone who's on a journey in their life would find this book one of value. it's not a magic book of answers-- it's simply following a woman on her personal journey. i loved the book because it provided a great balance of thought provoking stuff to ponder and awesome humor.
i've concluded that after this caregiving role is done, i must to go on a journey like the author. my journey will not include the traveling as liz's does.... but it will include doing things and going places that will get my mind where it's supposed to be-- in a good, happy and contented place. that's my brand new long-term goal-- with an estimated start time of 2015. (!!)
my reality (unfortunately) is it's impossible for this journey to begin under the circumstances i live with today. sure, i can read tons of books and articles.... i can pray anytime, anywhere. those are some things for my now..... they'll get me by the day-to-day. this issue of day-to-day is what has caused my soul to dehydrate-- it didn't start with caregiving-- although caregiving did intensify this depletion... it really started back in my 20's. i could go into all that but the cliff notes version is enough. i simply did what i had to do because of a particular obligation i was under. i gave no further thought that i wasn't doing something i really, really wanted to do. i didn't feel any great sense of loss because i was too busy to think otherwise.
here lies the great cliche...... life passes you by. here's my beef..... i let it! i didn't have anyone along the way who pulled me aside and said "hey girl-- what are you doing to fulfill your soul?!" or, "hey girl-- you're so busy doing what you gotta do that you're forgetting about doing stuff you wanna do!" i have such a sense of duty! further-- i was always complimented on that sense of duty-- which i suspect gave me satisfaction and encouragement to simply continue being dutiful. did i mention i'm co-dependent? i learned that in my late 20's and it's been proved many times since. yet-- i've really done nothing about it other than to acknowledge this notion. my head will remind me but my actions do nothing about it. days come in-- days go out.
soooo, now i have a new goal that will start in approximately 5-10 years from now. i will start planning for it-- now. sure hope my soul can hang on for the duration..... it will-- i've proven it can be done. there will be a price to pay-- i know this too and will prepare. i'm in gods hands-- that's my start!
read the book, friends. lemme know what you think.
eat, pray, love
by elizabeth gilbert
anyone who's on a journey in their life would find this book one of value. it's not a magic book of answers-- it's simply following a woman on her personal journey. i loved the book because it provided a great balance of thought provoking stuff to ponder and awesome humor.
i've concluded that after this caregiving role is done, i must to go on a journey like the author. my journey will not include the traveling as liz's does.... but it will include doing things and going places that will get my mind where it's supposed to be-- in a good, happy and contented place. that's my brand new long-term goal-- with an estimated start time of 2015. (!!)
my reality (unfortunately) is it's impossible for this journey to begin under the circumstances i live with today. sure, i can read tons of books and articles.... i can pray anytime, anywhere. those are some things for my now..... they'll get me by the day-to-day. this issue of day-to-day is what has caused my soul to dehydrate-- it didn't start with caregiving-- although caregiving did intensify this depletion... it really started back in my 20's. i could go into all that but the cliff notes version is enough. i simply did what i had to do because of a particular obligation i was under. i gave no further thought that i wasn't doing something i really, really wanted to do. i didn't feel any great sense of loss because i was too busy to think otherwise.
here lies the great cliche...... life passes you by. here's my beef..... i let it! i didn't have anyone along the way who pulled me aside and said "hey girl-- what are you doing to fulfill your soul?!" or, "hey girl-- you're so busy doing what you gotta do that you're forgetting about doing stuff you wanna do!" i have such a sense of duty! further-- i was always complimented on that sense of duty-- which i suspect gave me satisfaction and encouragement to simply continue being dutiful. did i mention i'm co-dependent? i learned that in my late 20's and it's been proved many times since. yet-- i've really done nothing about it other than to acknowledge this notion. my head will remind me but my actions do nothing about it. days come in-- days go out.
soooo, now i have a new goal that will start in approximately 5-10 years from now. i will start planning for it-- now. sure hope my soul can hang on for the duration..... it will-- i've proven it can be done. there will be a price to pay-- i know this too and will prepare. i'm in gods hands-- that's my start!
read the book, friends. lemme know what you think.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
5/14/09
i haven't decided which is more difficult.... caregiving for a person with alzheimer's or caregiving for a physically challenged person with full mental ability and has an upcoming surgery for cancer-- with an unknown cancer whatever after surgery.
a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.
the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.
the poor woman is scared shitless!
for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.
sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).
the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!
so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.
this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.
a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.
the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.
the poor woman is scared shitless!
for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.
sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).
the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!
so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.
this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
mother's day
happy day to all you moms of kids n' animals (yes, they count)!
having 3 of the greatest kids on earth has made me happy since 1987. it doesn't take a day such as today for me to be grateful for them. the blessings they bestowed on me are so vast they are indescribeable. did i spell that right? oh well i don't care, you get it.
my mom has has a good mother's day.... a visit from bro and sister-in-law... and my daughter stopped by too, so her day has filled up well-- and now she's off with her once a month eating buddy. she's having a good day.
mom's appetite has been minimal and it's a worry but not a big concern-- yet. i know the problem is mental and that counts big time on the life-balances scale. she's always been a very light eater, now it's simply lighter than light. she's getting full nutrition thanks to her carnation (ensure type) drink. i hope this outing of hers brings enjoyment and a ton a calories!
we've gotten her office boxes completely unpacked and everything is now in a place-- good. the only thing left on our list of to-do's is get a wireless printer for her. bro is working on that already and with any luck, i'll pick it up and we'll have it in place this week. it's a major craigslist find. thankfully it comes from a business, so i have less worry about meeting up with someone i don't know.
youngest son's prom was last night-- got him back home this morning with no surpises or issues. yay! my heart was at peace all night as the kids got his head on straight..... but i'm also a realist and expect the unexpected..... seeing his smiling face back home this morning certainly brought relief that nothing unexpected happened!
til next time. blessings to you all.
having 3 of the greatest kids on earth has made me happy since 1987. it doesn't take a day such as today for me to be grateful for them. the blessings they bestowed on me are so vast they are indescribeable. did i spell that right? oh well i don't care, you get it.
my mom has has a good mother's day.... a visit from bro and sister-in-law... and my daughter stopped by too, so her day has filled up well-- and now she's off with her once a month eating buddy. she's having a good day.
mom's appetite has been minimal and it's a worry but not a big concern-- yet. i know the problem is mental and that counts big time on the life-balances scale. she's always been a very light eater, now it's simply lighter than light. she's getting full nutrition thanks to her carnation (ensure type) drink. i hope this outing of hers brings enjoyment and a ton a calories!
we've gotten her office boxes completely unpacked and everything is now in a place-- good. the only thing left on our list of to-do's is get a wireless printer for her. bro is working on that already and with any luck, i'll pick it up and we'll have it in place this week. it's a major craigslist find. thankfully it comes from a business, so i have less worry about meeting up with someone i don't know.
youngest son's prom was last night-- got him back home this morning with no surpises or issues. yay! my heart was at peace all night as the kids got his head on straight..... but i'm also a realist and expect the unexpected..... seeing his smiling face back home this morning certainly brought relief that nothing unexpected happened!
til next time. blessings to you all.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
end of april
well.... another month gone! i suspect may will come and go as quickly as my graduates are quickening their pace and their sibling is planning a move into a new apartment. it's a fun time for this mom as i watch and listen to their plans. lil man is negotiating financial arrangements with his college of choice-- oldest daughter is keeping several balls in the air with potential employers-- oldest son is planning his future although i suspect he's rather unaware of it. this is good stuff for ole mom to see.
the testing my mom went thru yesterday went without a hitch. it was one long-ass day but she made it thru just fine. for me, (and yes, certainly my mom) now comes the hard part.... waiting for results and the docs determination of what's next. we know there will be surgery the first week of june. we know it'll be an extensive surgery-- 7-8 hours minimum. yesterday's testing will tell us if a couple hours will be added to that.
we already know she'll be in the hospital a minimum of a week and she'll have a feeding tube. a tracheostomy may be needed... if. beyond that is unknown today.
after talking with my brother last night, it became clearer to me that we're in for a ride. i had all the information in my head but hadn't put it all together until i started explaining everything i knew.
there's a lot about our mother that neither of us can predict. we've done a lot of guessing as to how she'll deal with things but the surprises come often-- caregiving for mom is very much like playing a tennis match. i've done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours..... the cliche that you really never know someone keeps coming out on top.
with that said, i can tell you that i'm totally impressed with mom right now. totally! there were years my brother and i were told that she just "wanted off the planet." she was so angry and unhappy.... she wanted her life on earth to be done. with this new challenge, she's dealing and wants to do what she's being told must be done. gotta hand it to her.... if i was asked a month ago whether or not she'd go thru with the surgery, etc., i would have told you no, she would not. both her mother and her sister "hid" their cancers from the family. it was too late by the time anyone figured it out-- they secretly lived with it until their lives ended.
i could write forever on the pros and cons of my gramma and aunts decisions.... i won't do that. but i will tell you that i get both sides. i miss them. their family misses them. but we were left with a lot of unanswered questions. let's hope no one's gonna be missing my mom for quite a long time.... and when that time comes, we'll all know she did the best she could do. every decision counts whether we agree or disagree personally. when it comes down to dying, it should be on our own terms.... god willing.
the testing my mom went thru yesterday went without a hitch. it was one long-ass day but she made it thru just fine. for me, (and yes, certainly my mom) now comes the hard part.... waiting for results and the docs determination of what's next. we know there will be surgery the first week of june. we know it'll be an extensive surgery-- 7-8 hours minimum. yesterday's testing will tell us if a couple hours will be added to that.
we already know she'll be in the hospital a minimum of a week and she'll have a feeding tube. a tracheostomy may be needed... if. beyond that is unknown today.
after talking with my brother last night, it became clearer to me that we're in for a ride. i had all the information in my head but hadn't put it all together until i started explaining everything i knew.
there's a lot about our mother that neither of us can predict. we've done a lot of guessing as to how she'll deal with things but the surprises come often-- caregiving for mom is very much like playing a tennis match. i've done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours..... the cliche that you really never know someone keeps coming out on top.
with that said, i can tell you that i'm totally impressed with mom right now. totally! there were years my brother and i were told that she just "wanted off the planet." she was so angry and unhappy.... she wanted her life on earth to be done. with this new challenge, she's dealing and wants to do what she's being told must be done. gotta hand it to her.... if i was asked a month ago whether or not she'd go thru with the surgery, etc., i would have told you no, she would not. both her mother and her sister "hid" their cancers from the family. it was too late by the time anyone figured it out-- they secretly lived with it until their lives ended.
i could write forever on the pros and cons of my gramma and aunts decisions.... i won't do that. but i will tell you that i get both sides. i miss them. their family misses them. but we were left with a lot of unanswered questions. let's hope no one's gonna be missing my mom for quite a long time.... and when that time comes, we'll all know she did the best she could do. every decision counts whether we agree or disagree personally. when it comes down to dying, it should be on our own terms.... god willing.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
saturday, 4/18/09
i've got a nasty cold. i was perplexed as to how i got it... somehow while caregiving over the past few years, i've managed to stay well. and thank god! giving sickness to my parents wasn't on the list of things to do. hubby finally put my mind to rest last night as all week i've kept saying i don't understand how i caught this..... obviously i don't have enough to worry about as this has been top of mind! haha. so the answer lies with a co-worker-- according to hubby, she brought her children to the office easter shin-dig last friday that we all attended despite them having a fever and strepp throat.
brilliance!! absolute brilliance!!
good parenting is something i think about a lot. i'm old school. i believe that children have a right to fail and be disappointed. do i wish that on them? no way. but i embrace it. too many children get every darn thing they want because gosh darn it-- they deserve it!
case in point-- this co-workers children. god forbid they be disappointed and must stay home...... they absolutely HAD to go to mom's office to enjoy the festivities. it wasn't good enough that the following sunday they would have the biggest easter basket known to man waiting for them. soo, bottom line, the kids enjoyed the shin-dig and several of hubby's co-workers got to enjoy being off work suffering thru sore throats and misery, and i got to bring my sickness into my mom's house the week before she goes to the oncologist. yes, this morning, she's sneezing and monday is her appointment.
ohhh-- well done.
brilliance!! absolute brilliance!!
good parenting is something i think about a lot. i'm old school. i believe that children have a right to fail and be disappointed. do i wish that on them? no way. but i embrace it. too many children get every darn thing they want because gosh darn it-- they deserve it!
case in point-- this co-workers children. god forbid they be disappointed and must stay home...... they absolutely HAD to go to mom's office to enjoy the festivities. it wasn't good enough that the following sunday they would have the biggest easter basket known to man waiting for them. soo, bottom line, the kids enjoyed the shin-dig and several of hubby's co-workers got to enjoy being off work suffering thru sore throats and misery, and i got to bring my sickness into my mom's house the week before she goes to the oncologist. yes, this morning, she's sneezing and monday is her appointment.
ohhh-- well done.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter Sunday!
i've already received some pics from friends with wee ones..... the easter bunny may be right up there with santa!
mom's appt with the oncologist is the 20th.... she's received some mail about the appt. but has yet to show it to me. so'k.... all in due time. it's probably stress related but some spots have shown up on mom's face and they worry me. when they became obvious i asked about them and she replied that they've always been there. k, we'll go with that for now.
mom's been to her office now three times..... making good headway at closing it up. my brother will surely make a comment to me when he visits mom here at home the next time-- all her precious letters and pictures have come home and are surrounding her at the kitchen and computer tables. then, there are the boxes of stuff she needs "to do something with" creating an inner wall in the kitchen, and half the worlds pens and pencils now reside here as well. he's always chuckled at women's nesting efforts..... his mother is the reigning queen.
it's a bit shocking to walk thru all this stuff and she's only begun to clean out her office. i've always been impressed with the older generations in my family..... everything they have is important to keep somewhere safe and it's not until my generation helps them move it that we see how well hidden things have been! seriously-- from inside picture frames and book covers to deep vases, you literally have to dig and inspect every item before you can decide what to do with it. a treasure may be hidden inside it! dad had hidden things for decades..... his office could have been donated to the smithsonian as is.
mom's appt with the oncologist is the 20th.... she's received some mail about the appt. but has yet to show it to me. so'k.... all in due time. it's probably stress related but some spots have shown up on mom's face and they worry me. when they became obvious i asked about them and she replied that they've always been there. k, we'll go with that for now.
mom's been to her office now three times..... making good headway at closing it up. my brother will surely make a comment to me when he visits mom here at home the next time-- all her precious letters and pictures have come home and are surrounding her at the kitchen and computer tables. then, there are the boxes of stuff she needs "to do something with" creating an inner wall in the kitchen, and half the worlds pens and pencils now reside here as well. he's always chuckled at women's nesting efforts..... his mother is the reigning queen.
it's a bit shocking to walk thru all this stuff and she's only begun to clean out her office. i've always been impressed with the older generations in my family..... everything they have is important to keep somewhere safe and it's not until my generation helps them move it that we see how well hidden things have been! seriously-- from inside picture frames and book covers to deep vases, you literally have to dig and inspect every item before you can decide what to do with it. a treasure may be hidden inside it! dad had hidden things for decades..... his office could have been donated to the smithsonian as is.
Saturday, April 4, 2009
april 4th
must be making some good headway, i know todays date!
it's been an interesting week. oldest son received his tax refund-- wahoo! it's his first return of any substanance so i've gotta be happy for him. daughter had a nice interview with two more scheduled for april..... she's being sought out by companies. again-- gotta be happy because she's the only person i know who's being sought out! youngest son put a deposit down on his prom tux and he pitched a nice game earlier this week. and..... my personal favorite of the week, we got a phone call that there's a car in his budget that he should look at to buy.
mom decided to officially retire from the workforce on april 30th. i can honestly say this threw me as she's held onto this thing for two years with only a hand-full of visits.... all of a sudden on thursday, she tells me she'd like to go to her office friday with boxes and trashbags. she had already made phone calls to the management company, her tenant, her bank, and a woman who was her ideal candidate for taking over her mail responsibilities. when the woman makes up her mind, it's a done deal! wow.
of course i know why all of this came about as fast as it did..... it was the oral surgeons diagnosis of a spot of cancer on her tongue. she feels this is the last ta-da. while i emphatically disagree, her office is her decision and i'll abide by her wishes. she's in good spirits and i'll just do all i can to keep it that way.
i've managed to keep a grip on myself this week so feel blessed my brooding isn't winning it's never-ending efforts. the garden got weeded although there are too many other gardens to still get thru! snow is coming our way again in two days so i'll keep going as i'm able. this helps keep my mind off of the job situation. it'll be another two weeks before i hear if i made it to the next cut.
i was able to track down a high school friend of mine this week. this would be one of those "godsequences" i'm so fond of..... her mom has alz. she was floored to hear i dealt with the disease too. while her mom is in assisted living, she's struggling to find that balance we all know and need. i look forward to catching up with her and with any luck at all, helping her get thru some of her current alz issues.
have a good week, everyone!
it's been an interesting week. oldest son received his tax refund-- wahoo! it's his first return of any substanance so i've gotta be happy for him. daughter had a nice interview with two more scheduled for april..... she's being sought out by companies. again-- gotta be happy because she's the only person i know who's being sought out! youngest son put a deposit down on his prom tux and he pitched a nice game earlier this week. and..... my personal favorite of the week, we got a phone call that there's a car in his budget that he should look at to buy.
mom decided to officially retire from the workforce on april 30th. i can honestly say this threw me as she's held onto this thing for two years with only a hand-full of visits.... all of a sudden on thursday, she tells me she'd like to go to her office friday with boxes and trashbags. she had already made phone calls to the management company, her tenant, her bank, and a woman who was her ideal candidate for taking over her mail responsibilities. when the woman makes up her mind, it's a done deal! wow.
of course i know why all of this came about as fast as it did..... it was the oral surgeons diagnosis of a spot of cancer on her tongue. she feels this is the last ta-da. while i emphatically disagree, her office is her decision and i'll abide by her wishes. she's in good spirits and i'll just do all i can to keep it that way.
i've managed to keep a grip on myself this week so feel blessed my brooding isn't winning it's never-ending efforts. the garden got weeded although there are too many other gardens to still get thru! snow is coming our way again in two days so i'll keep going as i'm able. this helps keep my mind off of the job situation. it'll be another two weeks before i hear if i made it to the next cut.
i was able to track down a high school friend of mine this week. this would be one of those "godsequences" i'm so fond of..... her mom has alz. she was floored to hear i dealt with the disease too. while her mom is in assisted living, she's struggling to find that balance we all know and need. i look forward to catching up with her and with any luck at all, helping her get thru some of her current alz issues.
have a good week, everyone!
Sunday, March 29, 2009
sunday... i used to know dates. now i don't care!
thank gawd spring is here. while it's dropped from 50 to 30 today, i know it's short-lived and anymore, it's these little things that mean the most. hey-- we've got daffodils blooming. it counts, dammit!
that was a tough thing to say-- that note about the little things meaning the most. i've always been a positive person. seems anymore tho, i've been hit with the tough-stuff and can't seem to find my way back up. when times get tough i get quiet and brood. so for quite a nice little while now, i've brooded! yeahhh-- i'm that girl!!
sure, i've still got a sense of humor.... lookout if that goes!! each month i laugh about the fact i get two+ periods. yes, virginia, there is a menopause. there aren't enough tampons or toilet paper to go around. let's not speak of the fact there's a money issue at home.... we'll leave that one there thank you very much.
i've had some interviews-- a blessing to get those. the ratio of apps created vs. interviews obtained is an ugly one. no job offers yet, but hey, i'm trying like half the world. i'm working hard at networking-- this helps but so far hasn't scored me anymore than one of those interviews i referred to. the hard knocks come when people tell me that i'm everything they're looking for but they've hired an internal candidate. my brother said it all so consisely earlier..... employers can get anyone they want right now-- and at a better price. further, and more helpful to me personally, was him also mentioning that employers are beginning to let those mediocre employees go because they have better chosing opportunities now (we're an at-will state)..... so what those mediocre employees lacked or under-performed at, companies can hire better people now and get more bang for the hard-working, better skilled, long-term buck. you get what you pay for, right?
sigh. ok enough. i think i needed to get that out-- whew! maybe the brooding ends today! :)
mom's doing very well. my kiddos are great. it's me-- i'm the sticky booger! ohhhh my... what would dad be saying right now?
that was a tough thing to say-- that note about the little things meaning the most. i've always been a positive person. seems anymore tho, i've been hit with the tough-stuff and can't seem to find my way back up. when times get tough i get quiet and brood. so for quite a nice little while now, i've brooded! yeahhh-- i'm that girl!!
sure, i've still got a sense of humor.... lookout if that goes!! each month i laugh about the fact i get two+ periods. yes, virginia, there is a menopause. there aren't enough tampons or toilet paper to go around. let's not speak of the fact there's a money issue at home.... we'll leave that one there thank you very much.
i've had some interviews-- a blessing to get those. the ratio of apps created vs. interviews obtained is an ugly one. no job offers yet, but hey, i'm trying like half the world. i'm working hard at networking-- this helps but so far hasn't scored me anymore than one of those interviews i referred to. the hard knocks come when people tell me that i'm everything they're looking for but they've hired an internal candidate. my brother said it all so consisely earlier..... employers can get anyone they want right now-- and at a better price. further, and more helpful to me personally, was him also mentioning that employers are beginning to let those mediocre employees go because they have better chosing opportunities now (we're an at-will state)..... so what those mediocre employees lacked or under-performed at, companies can hire better people now and get more bang for the hard-working, better skilled, long-term buck. you get what you pay for, right?
sigh. ok enough. i think i needed to get that out-- whew! maybe the brooding ends today! :)
mom's doing very well. my kiddos are great. it's me-- i'm the sticky booger! ohhhh my... what would dad be saying right now?
Sunday, March 22, 2009
sometime in march
the anniversary came and went. it was like any other day yet, it wasn't at all. i came across this poem today.... i wish i had found it earlier.
DON'T
don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know... don't tell me that i will surely survive, how i will surely grow... don't tell me this is just a test, that i am truly blessed... that i am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest... don't come at me with answers, that can only come from me... don't tell me how my grief will pass, that i will soon be free... don't stand in pious judgment, of the bonds that i must untie... don't tell me how to suffer, and don't tell me how to cry.... my life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all i see... but i need you, i need your love, unconditionally.... accept me in my up's and down's, i need someone to share.... just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, my friend, i care.
author unknown
DON'T
don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know... don't tell me that i will surely survive, how i will surely grow... don't tell me this is just a test, that i am truly blessed... that i am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest... don't come at me with answers, that can only come from me... don't tell me how my grief will pass, that i will soon be free... don't stand in pious judgment, of the bonds that i must untie... don't tell me how to suffer, and don't tell me how to cry.... my life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all i see... but i need you, i need your love, unconditionally.... accept me in my up's and down's, i need someone to share.... just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, my friend, i care.
author unknown
Saturday, March 7, 2009
one year anniversary coming up...... thoughts have been circling my head for awhile now. some painful, some happy. mom received the hospice "one year" note of sympathy and hope. that was nice-- and painful. i remember reading how some other caregivers friends reacted to their notes.
while i'm not sure how i'll be on the 10th..... my head is planning. i want to begin again. begin in the truest of ways. will i accomplish that--i dunno; i can't let that part sink in right now. all i know is dad would want me to continue trying my best. that, i will do.
3.10.08
10:52pm
pray with us.
while i'm not sure how i'll be on the 10th..... my head is planning. i want to begin again. begin in the truest of ways. will i accomplish that--i dunno; i can't let that part sink in right now. all i know is dad would want me to continue trying my best. that, i will do.
3.10.08
10:52pm
pray with us.
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