1/5/08

recently this blog has been written in my mind instead of online. although no one can read it, it gets written then rewritten and rewritten... before i know it, days have past and there's nothing on the actual page for others to read-- today it's finally time to deal with this blah, blah, blah rant inside my head.... and get it out!!

my mind isn't focused-- it's out there-- wayyy out there. on things to do, on the unknown, on people i know and the stuff they're dealing with right now, on my family, on my parents, on all the stuff that surrounds me directly or indirectly and on all the stuff i just don't wish to do at the moment! it's a mish-mash this lil head of mine.... and it's bothering me something fierce as i'm a virgo and this just isn't something we virgos are comfortable with!

probably all this is because it's the new year and i'm remembering what my life used to be and wondering what my life will be like when my parents no longer need me. i read a blog earlier that said some stuff that i so much wanted to say-- but since i can't seem to find focus, it's impossible for me to complete-- so darn it, someone beat me to it. they had the right words, the right thoughts, the right-- JEEZ-- everything!! clear, concise, to the point. i used to be that way and now i'm just-- well, not. where did i go?! is it ok that part of me went into hibernation? is it ok that the choices i make today have practically no defining moments? is that the point to all this mish-mash-- to be ok with what is now cuz i'm somehow not ok with it and didn't know it?

the answer is no-- i'm not in denial of what is now at all. i know things are ok just as much as i know some other things aren't ok. it's simply a depressing time for me-- i hate winter, for one! and yeah, nothing is as i once knew it but i've never shyed away from change in all my life. i embrace change and adapt to it without much recourse otherwise. so what is the problem here? the problem is-- things are going away. precious things... and they're going away at what seems like the speed of light. my mind can't adjust that quickly no matter how quickly i pride myself in doing just that. so instead of having the luxury of grieving or thinking it thru, fixing or dealing... i'm getting slammed with hit after hit of those precious things just going away! there's no time to process stuff-- causing thoughts to swim around and around in my head, just waiting for some kind of net to catch it and work it thru.

quick-- safety line, please!! haha

the children are each dealing with stuff they've never had to deal with before. nothing horrible, but as their mom, i worry about them and these changes in their lives. of course, i do what i can, but it seems i'm so damn stuck and the choices or decisions are too limited to be of any great service. then there's the flipside to all that stuff they're dealing with-- that position where i have to let them figure out how to get thru their issues because they're growing up and need to handle such things themselves.

dad is in a very weird place and i don't know what to call it. he's lost interest in a lot of things making it hard to converse or entertain. i can't tell what kind of mood he's in as it's always the same-- not happy, not sad, not mad, not anything in particular but something similar to monotone. there's no surprise in his voice, no anger, no glee, no exclamation point. he responds to music with his foot or head-- that is what i interpret as happy. he stares out the window-- that is what i interpret as interest. yesterday i had him sign some papers my brother had dropped off-- he did so first by putting a checkmark on the line. i sank into a hole however calmly asked if he might write his full name on the line next to the check. he did just that as i was wondering to myself if he would or could. so that was a nice thing.

mom is bored out of her mind. she reads and plays games on her computer and attempts to empty the dishwasher. all good stuff but she's bored. and she's scared. she randomly stated she wants a stationary bike to get more exercise-- oook, yep, i can take care of that. it was so nice to hear she's interested in one! i thought about it all night last night and came up with a good, long-term project for her... putting family pictures in albums. i told her about it this morning and she said "yes!" think i passed out for a moment-- something i suggested actually sparked an interest?!! kewl.

the album idea sorta hit me because mom and my brother have been working on dad's obit recently. talk about doing something depressing. i certainly understand the need to get it done now rather when the main event arrives, but sheesh--- that came outta the blue when i was told what they were up to. guess i should be grateful they asked for my opinion but my head had chosen to be hurt when i wasn't asked to participate at the beginning. i got over it pretty fast when logic kicked in-- let 'em write the thing; it's something they can do together.

anyway, i thought maybe putting an album of dad and his family would be the place to start since they were already in the frame of mind while working on the obit. might be nice to have pictures for those who might be interested. we'll see what happens.

the place i call home is getting renovated for its sale. while again this is nice-- and yes, was part of our original plan when we married, i find myself lost in the one place i could always find comfort. some real hurtful things have happened within this renovation process. it would be overstepping our personal boundaries to blah blah blah specific hurts so gotta leave it at that. but i will share one obvious thing no one is immune to-- people you think you know very well can and will surprise you!

guess i'd best stop putting my head-ranting into words and do something else for awhile. there's only one thing left to say at the moment.... GO BUCKEYES!!

2008

someone gave 2007 the one fingered salute.... i thought that was hilarious! had i read that post earlier i would have stayed up longer last night. can't say '07 was that horrible as a whole, but there have been some real trying times and some really trying people i'd willingly salute. naturally i'm gonna have to immediately sit down and pray for forgiveness as i'm already feeling guilty for saying that out loud.... but hey, it's done and i can always repent repeatedly.

the folks are holding their own. mom's sorta pouty today but she's not being too pouty that it's uncomfortable. dad has been up and down pretty good today-- and yes!!! he's once again using his walker. thank you god! he's been scaring the dickens outta me recently. perhaps he got tired of me following him everywhere, or perhaps he got tired of me putting the walker right next to where he ended up plopping down for awhile... it certainly wasn't the pep talk about using it. bottom line, i'm just glad he's now using it and can walk safely around the house.

whatever 2007 was, it's now time to concentrate on 2008. whatever that means... i hope it's full of the good stuff for all you folks reading this. as for me-- and many other caregivers out there... 2008 will be an hour by hour, day by day journey. that's ok.... that's what we do!! so let's all get on with what we do, shall we?! day #1. check.