random

in another few weeks, it'll mark the 3rd month of dad's passing. and, memorial day is next week so hubby and i will be doing our cemetery rounds..... this will be the first time dad will be included. we don't have his marker yet-- this makes me sad. dad's best childhood friend, gale, will be included this year, too.

so much has happened since dad passed away.... lil man went to prom, the HS baseball team is in playoffs, the college team is on their way to the world series in idaho, oldest son completed the local 5K race for the cure, 21st birthday celebrations are well underway-- all those kids who grew up and played sports with our kids. the twins and the lil man all officially became seniors-- of course two seniors of college and one in high school-- but it's the first year their 4 year difference really marks something unique. next year at this time we'll have 3 graduates... weird. youngest daughter will enter 7th grade. dad was always big on following the kids and their sports. he would have marveled at what's happening. he's gonna miss a lot of upcoming celebrations-- hopefully he'll be watching.... but i'll miss seeing him in those photos.

dad bought a cub cadet tractor a little over two years ago. he bought it for us really as he knew it was too complicated for him to use. i still remember "the lesson" we had out in the field-- it was hilarious! learning to drive that thing was something else-- a machine that makes you feel like an idiot. his thinking at the time was that he could ride his "lil blue" tractor along side of us on the cub cadet..... i think we managed to do that once. but-- he still loved grass cutting day..... he would watch hubby ride that cub cadet and chuckle the whole time.... it could turn on a dime and go so fast. of course hubby made a show of it cuz he knew dad was watching.... it looked so easy and fun when someone else used it! that first summer i was caregiving for dad full time, dad went out to the barn and gave it a try. he managed to sit and find the key, but couldn't figure out how to do anything from there. it was one of the first times i experienced the full affect of alz.

guess that popped in my head cuz i now use the cadet. i imagine dad watching me from up there and chuckling. we haven't had it serviced yet this year..... this is probably giving dad a lot of pain.... it's scheduled, dad!!

hubby wears some of dad's shirts and jackets now. dad would be pleased. i love seeing him in that stuff but it sorta throws me when i first notice it. "dad! ohhhh chrimini-- hi honey...." conflicting emotions within one second. jeez oh pete.

i'm gonna have to get a bit more creative with mom. she's doing fine overall, but i see some changes that need to be made to keep her on track. it's time to find reasons to get her back to her office. she's stayed away by sending me for her mail.... the time has come for her to start going back for a couple hours each day. she's becoming a bit of a hermit and i'm seeing signs of depression setting in.

we have some big events happening this summer.... lil man's 17th birthday, hubby's birthday, the twins 21st birthday (a trip to vegas to celebrate this occassion has been booked-- i offered this to them a long time ago... thought this was a pretty good way to spend your 21st.... hubby and i want to be there and watch them make some heavy decisions for themselves-- what more in your face place than sin-city?!!), youngest daughter's 13th birthday, and summer ball.

of course as i sit here and think about all of this stuff, the secret i keep deep down is that life keeps going and the more stuff i have to do keeps me from dealing with intense sadness. so the longer i keep thinking about other stuff, the longer it'll be that i'm not dealing with stuff i really should be dealing with. someday this will kick my ass-- ohh, don't i know it.... i've read about it and encouraged others otherwise. talk about calling the kettle black. guess this is where my faith comes in.... i just know god will be watching me..... he'll choose the right time to teach me the error of my ways!! greaatttt-- i have that to look forward to! perhaps i need to re-evaluate now! :)