thursday 1/17/08

is it thursday already?!! zoom zoom.

it's been a quiet week-- in terms of outside activities anyway. we had to make a decision about dad's weekly rotary meetings as dad isn't getting up and attem anymore. since we can't seem to get to church either-- decided that it was time to bow out of the meetings we have to pay for.

it seems to me the folks at rotary will be relieved-- hubby and i both took dad to these meetings and we saw difficulty in the eyes of the men who stepped in to "watch" dad during the meeting while hubby and i excused ourselves to give dad "his time" for the hour. ohh-- they did what they stepped up to do just fine, don't get me wrong. but... as many of us can surely understand, it's an undertaking that the business types embrace with a heavy heart and mind. you can almost hear their minds saying "oh god, he's here again" while they look at me with a forced smile.

this was-- is, hard. dad would never have let someone see a forced smile-- when he stepped up to assist someone, it was always something he did with pleasure in his eyes-- no matter the personal difficulty. truth be known, dad stepped up for each of those guys over the years.... this makes my mind whirl with thoughts of them giving back to dad out of guilt... out of the stigma of doing what's "right" in front of the other people who may be looking on. i hate myself for thinking that stuff yet eyes are the inside of our souls and they tell the true story... unfortunately, i see the true story so cannot pretend to go with any other pretensed version.

so, one more thing just went away "for sure." church we'll just keep trying.

my dad. the man who fought in a war and lived-- wholly. the man who created a flourishing business. the man who took care of each family members full needs. the man who took care of outsiders with no further thought. the man who worked 6 days a week. the man who gave to every charity out there and is on every mailing list across the world (think i'm exaggerating?? ask my brother and sister in law who dealt with his mail!). the man who would drive 6 hours to see his extended family on a whim. the man who stopped in at my house to check on the kids and me when we had no man around. the man who clipped articles and delivered them all over town so folks would see them in case they were somehow missed. the man who taught sunday school and went to prison once a month to teach inmates god's word or just listen.

that man-- my dad-- now enters a room perhaps once a day (if it's a good day) wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt and socks-- that's it, nothing else. that man-- my dad-- now says stuff like "where's the bucket star on the bunny?"

he's awesome, my dad. robbed of his brain or not, he'll always be that other guy.