wow-- two posts in a week! i've decided to post again because i just finished reading a book that i've gotta recommend.
eat, pray, love
by elizabeth gilbert
anyone who's on a journey in their life would find this book one of value. it's not a magic book of answers-- it's simply following a woman on her personal journey. i loved the book because it provided a great balance of thought provoking stuff to ponder and awesome humor.
i've concluded that after this caregiving role is done, i must to go on a journey like the author. my journey will not include the traveling as liz's does.... but it will include doing things and going places that will get my mind where it's supposed to be-- in a good, happy and contented place. that's my brand new long-term goal-- with an estimated start time of 2015. (!!)
my reality (unfortunately) is it's impossible for this journey to begin under the circumstances i live with today. sure, i can read tons of books and articles.... i can pray anytime, anywhere. those are some things for my now..... they'll get me by the day-to-day. this issue of day-to-day is what has caused my soul to dehydrate-- it didn't start with caregiving-- although caregiving did intensify this depletion... it really started back in my 20's. i could go into all that but the cliff notes version is enough. i simply did what i had to do because of a particular obligation i was under. i gave no further thought that i wasn't doing something i really, really wanted to do. i didn't feel any great sense of loss because i was too busy to think otherwise.
here lies the great cliche...... life passes you by. here's my beef..... i let it! i didn't have anyone along the way who pulled me aside and said "hey girl-- what are you doing to fulfill your soul?!" or, "hey girl-- you're so busy doing what you gotta do that you're forgetting about doing stuff you wanna do!" i have such a sense of duty! further-- i was always complimented on that sense of duty-- which i suspect gave me satisfaction and encouragement to simply continue being dutiful. did i mention i'm co-dependent? i learned that in my late 20's and it's been proved many times since. yet-- i've really done nothing about it other than to acknowledge this notion. my head will remind me but my actions do nothing about it. days come in-- days go out.
soooo, now i have a new goal that will start in approximately 5-10 years from now. i will start planning for it-- now. sure hope my soul can hang on for the duration..... it will-- i've proven it can be done. there will be a price to pay-- i know this too and will prepare. i'm in gods hands-- that's my start!
read the book, friends. lemme know what you think.
Friday, May 15, 2009
Thursday, May 14, 2009
5/14/09
i haven't decided which is more difficult.... caregiving for a person with alzheimer's or caregiving for a physically challenged person with full mental ability and has an upcoming surgery for cancer-- with an unknown cancer whatever after surgery.
a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.
the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.
the poor woman is scared shitless!
for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.
sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).
the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!
so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.
this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.
a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.
the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.
the poor woman is scared shitless!
for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.
sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).
the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!
so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.
this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
mother's day
happy day to all you moms of kids n' animals (yes, they count)!
having 3 of the greatest kids on earth has made me happy since 1987. it doesn't take a day such as today for me to be grateful for them. the blessings they bestowed on me are so vast they are indescribeable. did i spell that right? oh well i don't care, you get it.
my mom has has a good mother's day.... a visit from bro and sister-in-law... and my daughter stopped by too, so her day has filled up well-- and now she's off with her once a month eating buddy. she's having a good day.
mom's appetite has been minimal and it's a worry but not a big concern-- yet. i know the problem is mental and that counts big time on the life-balances scale. she's always been a very light eater, now it's simply lighter than light. she's getting full nutrition thanks to her carnation (ensure type) drink. i hope this outing of hers brings enjoyment and a ton a calories!
we've gotten her office boxes completely unpacked and everything is now in a place-- good. the only thing left on our list of to-do's is get a wireless printer for her. bro is working on that already and with any luck, i'll pick it up and we'll have it in place this week. it's a major craigslist find. thankfully it comes from a business, so i have less worry about meeting up with someone i don't know.
youngest son's prom was last night-- got him back home this morning with no surpises or issues. yay! my heart was at peace all night as the kids got his head on straight..... but i'm also a realist and expect the unexpected..... seeing his smiling face back home this morning certainly brought relief that nothing unexpected happened!
til next time. blessings to you all.
having 3 of the greatest kids on earth has made me happy since 1987. it doesn't take a day such as today for me to be grateful for them. the blessings they bestowed on me are so vast they are indescribeable. did i spell that right? oh well i don't care, you get it.
my mom has has a good mother's day.... a visit from bro and sister-in-law... and my daughter stopped by too, so her day has filled up well-- and now she's off with her once a month eating buddy. she's having a good day.
mom's appetite has been minimal and it's a worry but not a big concern-- yet. i know the problem is mental and that counts big time on the life-balances scale. she's always been a very light eater, now it's simply lighter than light. she's getting full nutrition thanks to her carnation (ensure type) drink. i hope this outing of hers brings enjoyment and a ton a calories!
we've gotten her office boxes completely unpacked and everything is now in a place-- good. the only thing left on our list of to-do's is get a wireless printer for her. bro is working on that already and with any luck, i'll pick it up and we'll have it in place this week. it's a major craigslist find. thankfully it comes from a business, so i have less worry about meeting up with someone i don't know.
youngest son's prom was last night-- got him back home this morning with no surpises or issues. yay! my heart was at peace all night as the kids got his head on straight..... but i'm also a realist and expect the unexpected..... seeing his smiling face back home this morning certainly brought relief that nothing unexpected happened!
til next time. blessings to you all.
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