5/14/09

i haven't decided which is more difficult.... caregiving for a person with alzheimer's or caregiving for a physically challenged person with full mental ability and has an upcoming surgery for cancer-- with an unknown cancer whatever after surgery.

a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.

the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.

the poor woman is scared shitless!

for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.

sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).

the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!

so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.

this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.