12/25/2008

merry christmas!!

12/22/2008

happy birthday, dad!

i miss you everyday.

we won't be making anymore memories together, but having our past memories is enough for now.... we'll make more when we meet in your new home. promise you'll be there waiting for me when it's my time to go.

can you sit with mom some today, dad? i know she wants to feel your presence. i think she's done being mad. we've been laughing a lot more lately over little stuff. it's good to see her laugh.

you're helping my brother get thru his kidney stones, aren't you? keep doing what you're doing, dad. you and the docs are keeping him comfortable.

you know i feel you coming up the steps and thru the door..... i appreciate you sitting at the kitchen table while i fix dinner. banjo knows you're there..... his barks let me know you've arrived so i can clear my mind. "gooder than a nickle" that one!

dad, i'm trying to hold on to my happiness. i know you see it's been rough around home. you always had advice or that knowing tear to offer. there's so much i just cannot do anymore. i'm tired. but i know things don't get fixed by themselves. during your times like this, i know you'd simply help someone else. my efforts are little as my hands are so tied. why can't i see i make a difference? other than mom, i can't seem to expand.

i'm glad you are where you are. the earth is a harsh place to live right now. people are being forgotten. people are hurting each other and feeling no remorse. it's almost christmas, dad.... our world needs a christmas miracle. good people are losing their homes, their families. i'm sure our selfishness has caused this castastrophy. our lessons must be learned. our god has a sense of humor, doesn't he? i'm so angry! i just want to shake it out of people! get over yourself!!

i want to teach people, dad. i want to help people understand how to live in peace! how can i do this when i'm stuck? it makes me feel so insignificant.....

well. isn't that some birthday message?!! jeez.

anyway, i'll be thinking about you all day. i hope you're happy and i hope you're with friends to celebrate the day of your earthly birth.

sending you hugs and love.

sunday, 12/21/2008

tomorrow is dad's birthday. he's been on my mind a lot recently.... a lot. nothing bad as it's always good to have memories-- it's just that i know that they are only memories now and knowing that makes me sad.

he's been getting christmas cards from various organizations that has him on their mailing list. one person he worked with years ago sent a card-- mom had to write to let him know he's passed away. i'm sure the news probably hit him hard as he was really involved with dad for a number of years. somehow word hadn't gotten to him.

brother, mom and i wrapped up dad's estate stuff with the attorney this week. we made the year-end filing deadline thanks to brothers intense work simplifying everything.... it pretty much means everything is done and in the courts hands to put their stamp of approval on without having to jump thru hoops. this effort is thanks to my parents having all their ducks in a row with legal paperwork stating exactly who, what, where and how.

get your legal docs in order, folks!! your family and pocketbook will appreciate it.

hubby is probably going insane with my night time movie watching. we share the remote pretty well and when it gets thrown at me, chances are it'll find some lifetime or hallmark christmas movie. he hasn't said anything-- which is surprising, but i'm grateful as he seems to lay 20 questions as to why i breathe anymore.

this week is going to be an interesting one. daughter finds out if she gets an internship she wants so much, oldest son decides how he's going to handle school and gets his car back from the repair shop (he was hit a couple weeks ago), youngest son probably gets his ACT scores back and youngest daughter is raging a war between her mom and dad over how she wants things. christmas day will be just another thursday in our house this year and although there's a vague awareness among all the troops, i'm praying for divine intervention on the mental capacity level. health, love, and gathering together under one roof needs to be enough. pray with me this is enough.

to those who have work, pennies in your pocket, food on your table, gas in your car, may god continue to bless you. to those who have their health and loved ones surrounding them, may god continue to bless you. to those who are without but have love, hope and faith, may god continue to bless you. to those who are without the holy spirit in your hearts, may you find god's blessings.

merry christmas to all!!

friday, 12/12/2008

my daughter sent me this blog link...... it's awesome! the words to explain what we have/had to do with alzheimers patients is so clear-- clearer than i could ever explain. what struck me the most is the fact that i could do those things so simply with dad. i just couldn't explain what i was doing to those in the "normal" world.

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/04/talking-alzheimers/

hubby's work holiday party was last night. we went to the local comedy club. the company was forced to let 2 staffers go the day before... and it was something we worried about.... how to deal with that among the faces of those who survived the cutbacks. as it turned out, one of those staffers joined the party and taught us a good lesson..... there's life after tragic events. i really like earl...... he's a rockstar. the laughter and smiles he gave us last night was a honest to god gift from heaven for me.... i pray he'll be alright-- but i know in my heart he will be.

thru all lifes trials, yes virginia, there is a santa claus. i'm gonna clean my chimney today.... there's nothing if not hope.

sunday, 12/7/08

it snowed. ok-- so the stuff is pretty... especially with the sun making everything brighter.

wish my outlook was as bright. oh sure-- i have faith in my heart. i smile. i chuckle. i find good in things. christmas movies touch my heart. the family is healthy. the core... deep down basic needs are there. so why so.... well.... glum inside?

i know the answers.... and frankly, they aren't anything more than what others are suffering from, too. but, i'm having my own pity party.... because i can.

from the looks in peoples eyes, no one is supposed to know what's really happening inside. appearance is everything ya know.

i can't live that way. i can't pretend everything is just hunky dory. if you looked into my eyes and saw what's really there, you'd see shame, embarrassment, guilt. think again if you believe i'm gonna deny it and pretend life's a vacation of joy. life has kicked me (us) hard..... not hard enough to break me (us) tho... this counts.

what kills me most is the attitude. the damnation. the assumptions. have people really forgotten that not everything you assume is what it is? people are harsh in their judgements. we're a spoiled group of humans yet we'll go to the mat to make it seem otherwise. i have no room for those types of people, yet they surround me. i can remove them from my immediate area but they still cause me grief as they come and go from my safe walls.

bring on the christmas movies and the library books...... i'm chosing to barricade myself from this crap for as long as it takes.

monday 11/24/2008

now i know this isn't typical of me..... but it made me laugh-- and today...... i'm all about a laugh. so thought i'd share.... and hope y'all laugh too.

friday, 11/21/2008

To realize the value of a sister Ask someone who doesn't have one.
To realize the value of ten years Ask a newly Divorced couple.
To realize the value of four years Ask a graduate.
To realize the value of one year Ask a student who has failed a final exam.
To realize the value of nine months Ask a mother who gave birth to a stillborn.
To realize the value of one month Ask a mother who has given birth to a premature baby.
To realize the value of one week Ask an editor of a weekly newspaper.
To realize the value of one minute Ask a person who missed a train, bus, or plane.
To realize the value of one second Ask a person who has survived an accident.
Time waits for no one Treasure every moment you have.
You will treasure it even more when You can share it with someone special.
To realize the value of a friend Or a family member - lose one .
The origin of this letter is unknown but it is supposed to bring good luck
To everyone who passes it on.
Do not keep this letter.
Peace, love, and prosperity to all!
Hold on tight to the ones you love!

i'm holding!! i'm asking!! i'm treasuring!!

go buckeyes.... beat michigan!!

and, happy thanksgiving, everyone.

tuesday, 11/11/08

a bump in the road.

i'm back at full-time caregiving. mom took a fall. surgery for a hip replacement was last friday and all went well. she's home now as she wanted nothing to do with a rehab facility. this is ok because i can be here-- and we'll get home healthcare again. but gone are the days where i could leave for a couple hours at a time without worry.

today beings the flurry of people coming in and out of the house.... we begin with the nurse... then the social worker, the OT and of course, the PT. nothing new with the process so guess that's good.

it's safe to say i was hoping to stay outta this game for awhile longer. the freedom of coming and going only 4 times a day was pretty sweet.

oh well.

vid worth watching

received this in an email.... sometimes i don't open this stuff cuz it's not worth the time. i'm glad i opened this one. fair warning, it'll tug at cha.

dad was a navy vet. he served as a pilot on one of the carriers in WW2. he always gave a knowing nod to other people he noticed either served or was serving in our military. i picked up that habit without realizing it until now..... if i pass a soldier in uniform and the situation presents itself, i'll try to catch their eye and say thank you.

back when desert storm was happening, my brother was serving-- as an air force pilot. for the longest time we weren't allowed to know where he was or what he was doing. i'll never forget the day mom got the call that he was coming home. even via the telephone, i could tell it was the first day in way too many that mom became herself again.

when mom called, it took no more than an hour for her to arrange getting us flights to go meet him. of course actually meeting him would take a couple of days as they had to get home from the other end of the world, but for heavens sake, those plans were made in an hour! i don't remember why dad didn't make the trip with us..... but i remember the flight we took was some red eye and i was very pregnant with my youngest son.... mom and i travelled with my two oldest children who were 3 at the time! i laugh when i recall getting them on their first flight and buckled in. they had no idea what was going on and they were sooo tired! god was with us that night as there was no screaming or tantrums..... the flight went with ease as did the cab ride to the hotel. my we musta been a sight to behold-- a pregnant lady with two 3 year olds and their gramma trasping around an airport at 2am! if people saw this today they'd probably think we were hiding from the law!

when we got to the base to welcome our troops home the next day, families were everywhere and it was quite the experience... pictures in the video you'll see made me remember this in vivid detail. people every-freaking-where! i'll never forget when the first planes were spotted..... they did a sorta fly-by thing and tipped their wing saying hello to those waiting on the ground. i've got goosebumps remembering this now...

when my brother got off the plane-- course he was the last one off being the pilot.... jeez, the waiting! ... the twins were jumping up and down "uncle dot, uncle dot!" and my pregnant body attempting to chase after them so their tiny bodies wouldn't get lost among the masses. tears.... oh my gawd, the tears from my mother's face.

bear with me-- i'm wiping tears right now.

ok... so i'm reliving that. i'm also reliving dad's funeral... there are a couple of pictures in the video that adequately show how i felt the day we buried him. how quickly that pain comes back with pictures. presenting the flag, the military personnel assigned to work the service, the feeling of honor and horrid sadness when taps played on that horn.

not kidding when i said the video will tug at you.... it did me, for my own reasons, you see. the person who created this video is a young lady all of 15 years old. for a brief 5 minutes, i had faith in our nations future while reliving some stunning memories of my own past.

http://www.youtube.com/v/ervaMPt4Ha0&autoplay=1

twintuition!

when i opened up my email this morning, this was waiting for me.... the twins somehow found each other while trolling around the city after the OSU game!

it's been interesting.... this bumping into each other stuff.... their smiles tell a good story.

3 in one year...

dad had two best friends from the very beginning of their schooling.... they were gale and jerry. not only were they friends, they were also in business together. their friendship lasted 72 years.... their business relationship lasted over 50 years by my best guess. gale passed last july-- he was 80. course dad passed in march-- he was 80. jerry passed this past saturday-- he was 80.

i keep thinking this is the last of a seriously big thing. that sort of relationship doesn't exist in my generation (that i'm aquainted with anyway). i am blessed to have known each of them, watched how they (and as equally amazing... their respective spouses and children) related and succumbed to the pleasure of knowing these 3 had all the right stuff.

certainly the 3 of them are holding court in heaven already.... i've felt the earth's axis tilting a bit all week. i'd like to think it's those 3 tried and true friends raising some cane. have at it, you 3.

a short while ago i had the pleasure of reading "the shack." timing of that read couldn't be more perfect. while the book helped me in ways too numerous to write, i can whole-heartedly say it left me knowing better of some things i once couldn't grasp. this book is a gift for anyone who reads it. no matter where you are in life or what circumstances have hit you, "the shack" has something for you to embrace.

http://theshackbook.com/index.html

ok, i'm done for now. enjoy your days!!

oh boy-- one of those days!

my week was as normal as normal could be.... until last night. hubby and i had gone to work out-- youngest son was at the football game-- youngest daughter still with her mom. then... out of the blue, a text message came in.

it's always a treat when oldest son gets ahold of me like this. i saw his name flash on the screen and smiled. his text-- "i miss gpa"

rather than having a blast with his buddies or whatever-- he was feeling a sense of personal loss on a friday night. ohhhh man! THUD. we text each other a couple more times, then said good-night. amazing how just a couple of text messages can send you to a place of mass emotion.

later last night, oldest daughter calls... issues on the roommate front. i'd say the conversation was short n' sweet, but let's leave it at short. we've talked about this stuff for awhile now and the situation escalated to uncomfortable-- she wanted to let me know. i opened my mouth, said a couple of things she wasn't wanting to hear at the moment and we hung up saying we'd talk again today.

i'll be the first to admit i don't always say the right things at the right times. i'm not sure if i made things worse for both kids or not last night. probably. this morning i have regret. with the whole night spent thinking about both communications, i'm pretty sure i was too sensitive to one and not sensitive enough with the other.

note to both kiddos if you're reading this-- i'd give anything to take your pain away. i can't change the way i think..... but i can apologize if i created more pain for either of you.

with hubby sound asleep, i stuck close to the dog the remainder of the night...... i can think or say anything i want and it stays so simple-- pet my head.

Labor day weekend 2008

easy come, easy go....

days roll in as fast as they leave anymore. i don't know how much that actually scares me, but it's a testament of how time passes me by on many days. i feel a real sense of loss when i look at the clock. it's not as if there aren't good things happening inside those hours.... they just aren't the stuff of which dreams are made. this is what i call cruising time..... doing what cha gotta do but not enjoying a passionate feeling of joy.

although i'm not working anymore-- a disappointing story not worth the details or time, i'm looking again for that extra "oomph." i'm still running.... something my children would realistically call jogging, so that's nice. but it's laborous as the bones age... i've yet to find what runners call that place where you "need" to run because it feels so right. for me, running takes every bit of motivation i've got to get to it.

anyway, mom's left eye was taken care of for cataracts.... we're in the never-ending eye drop stage for both eyes over the next several weeks. while she can put drops in herself, it gets confusing for her even with everything written out. heck-- I have trouble without the list!! so i'm here every couple of hours to ensure it gets done. the beautiful part of this whole thing is the fact she can see colors again! it's a beautiful world out there-- especially her back yard which she looks out at most of the day.... she's missed it for too long! her doctor tell us she's ahead of schedule with her seeing ability.... he's not kidding-- the woman can out-see a cat at night now! major kudos to dr. orlando and those new crystal lenses.

many "anniversaries" are coming up now.... this last quarter of last year was extremely tough for my caregiver buddies as someone seemed to lose their loved one everytime i read a blog. i had to make a tough choice to remove myself from reading blogs.... too painful. last august was the last full month we had dad in an overall ok state-- alz considered. the downhill spiral started and went fast from there... i just didn't know it at the time.

so, here's to you, my blogger buds. may god embrace your hearts and hold them close. i'm thinking about you and praying for your acceptance and healing each day.

8/17/07-chris' mom
9/17/07-lori's Helen
9/20/07-nancy's Russ
9/21/07-flinty's dad
10/15/07-chris' dad
11/02/07-betsey's mom
11/14/07-stef's nonna
12/27/07-cinn's mom

yeah... perhaps this explains why time is passing me by right now. i miss my dad. just as these friends miss their special people. mom closed dad's bedroom door so her pups wouldn't go hiding in there.... reasonable enough... but each time i go back there i urgently feel as if i need to be checking on him. then i see the closed door and feel weird.... a tightening.... not pain.... a twinge. ugh. i've turned into a 3 year old saying.... i no want to!!

sunday, 8/17/08

happy birthday to my bro! too bad he hasn't a clue how old he is..... we had our monthly sibling dinner friday night-- joining us that night was mom and dad's college roommate and his wife. the conversation turned to my brother's birthday and the question was asked how old..... bro came up with an answer that only proved how many hours he'd been working that week!

FINALLY got my laptop back!! wahooo!! it's been over a month. for all those concerned-- i'm fine. just a bit out of touch without my lifeline.

mom had one eye done for cataracts.... all's well so far. she has the other eye done next week. other than her life now directed around eyedrops, mom's in very good spirits! i watched the surgery... didn't think i could, but wow-- how kewl!! wasn't gross at all.

the biggest news on my end is i'm now employed.... i've been looking for the perfect situation that allowed me to be here with mom. it seems to have found me and i start tomorrow. i'll be working in a wellness center... it's only 4 days a week and a schedule that allows me to do everything with the kids and mom that i need to... amazing. thank you, god!

it's a friday and it's june....

:) my days are running together!

so i brought the jo down to mom's to give him a bath.... she's got the fancy hose thing so it's easier washing him here than at home. the pups doesn't mind getting a bath, but getting him in there is always a special task. i managed to get him locked in the back of the house where the bath and bedrooms are..... after running the water and laying out the towels, i went in search of my 4-legged buddy.

sure i wish i had my camera...... it was a scene the brain will never forget.

the jo was in dad's bed-- laying on dad's side of the bed with his head actually on the pillow.

i had to leave him there for a bit..... an overwhelming feeling said dad was there with him-- it was a moment.

later that night-- before i could tell hubby about the jo/dad moment, hubby called.... i was back down here at mom's getting her ready for bed. he was being told things-- random things-- from what he felt was an older man. hubby wrote all the stuff down for me... nothing makes sense at the moment... a name of someone i don't know (yet), a city, some dollar amounts or numbers, not sure.

i'll let you know if something comes of all that..... right now, the hair on the back of my neck is up. there's something to this..... dr. watson and i will be following the trail.

hi, what's up, dad?! i love you. i miss you.

happy father's day, dad

i miss you.

to all the other dad's..... enjoy your day!!

sunday, 6/1/08

got an email last night.... one of the neighbor boys had a graduation party in full swing-- the dog was attached to my hip in fear-- i had to give both of us a break so went downstairs to youngest sons computer to get us both away from the party noise coming thru the windows. there they were staring at me-- those two words "hey guys..."

i knew. my heart fell as i opened the email. my friends dad is in hospice-- day #1.

before i could read anything else i trucked upstairs-- the dog followed in panic-- (ohh if dogs could talk!!) and poured myself a glass of wine. hubby and youngest son had gone to a late movie and it was up to me to deal with the night. we trucked back downstairs-- pups crawled deep into sons bed as i sat down to read, glass in hand.

i must have sat there for 10 minutes with tears in my eyes. it was hospice with dad all over again. i understood what was happening instantly-- i've yet to have a good cry for dad-- it's all bottled up. still is-- those tears were for my friend. i raised my glass and sorta chuckled at my weakness-- last drop of wine went down in a gulp... damn co-dependency..... thought that crap was gone. god's sense of humor. deal, katmir. one way or another, i gotta deal.

daaaaaddddddd!!

random

in another few weeks, it'll mark the 3rd month of dad's passing. and, memorial day is next week so hubby and i will be doing our cemetery rounds..... this will be the first time dad will be included. we don't have his marker yet-- this makes me sad. dad's best childhood friend, gale, will be included this year, too.

so much has happened since dad passed away.... lil man went to prom, the HS baseball team is in playoffs, the college team is on their way to the world series in idaho, oldest son completed the local 5K race for the cure, 21st birthday celebrations are well underway-- all those kids who grew up and played sports with our kids. the twins and the lil man all officially became seniors-- of course two seniors of college and one in high school-- but it's the first year their 4 year difference really marks something unique. next year at this time we'll have 3 graduates... weird. youngest daughter will enter 7th grade. dad was always big on following the kids and their sports. he would have marveled at what's happening. he's gonna miss a lot of upcoming celebrations-- hopefully he'll be watching.... but i'll miss seeing him in those photos.

dad bought a cub cadet tractor a little over two years ago. he bought it for us really as he knew it was too complicated for him to use. i still remember "the lesson" we had out in the field-- it was hilarious! learning to drive that thing was something else-- a machine that makes you feel like an idiot. his thinking at the time was that he could ride his "lil blue" tractor along side of us on the cub cadet..... i think we managed to do that once. but-- he still loved grass cutting day..... he would watch hubby ride that cub cadet and chuckle the whole time.... it could turn on a dime and go so fast. of course hubby made a show of it cuz he knew dad was watching.... it looked so easy and fun when someone else used it! that first summer i was caregiving for dad full time, dad went out to the barn and gave it a try. he managed to sit and find the key, but couldn't figure out how to do anything from there. it was one of the first times i experienced the full affect of alz.

guess that popped in my head cuz i now use the cadet. i imagine dad watching me from up there and chuckling. we haven't had it serviced yet this year..... this is probably giving dad a lot of pain.... it's scheduled, dad!!

hubby wears some of dad's shirts and jackets now. dad would be pleased. i love seeing him in that stuff but it sorta throws me when i first notice it. "dad! ohhhh chrimini-- hi honey...." conflicting emotions within one second. jeez oh pete.

i'm gonna have to get a bit more creative with mom. she's doing fine overall, but i see some changes that need to be made to keep her on track. it's time to find reasons to get her back to her office. she's stayed away by sending me for her mail.... the time has come for her to start going back for a couple hours each day. she's becoming a bit of a hermit and i'm seeing signs of depression setting in.

we have some big events happening this summer.... lil man's 17th birthday, hubby's birthday, the twins 21st birthday (a trip to vegas to celebrate this occassion has been booked-- i offered this to them a long time ago... thought this was a pretty good way to spend your 21st.... hubby and i want to be there and watch them make some heavy decisions for themselves-- what more in your face place than sin-city?!!), youngest daughter's 13th birthday, and summer ball.

of course as i sit here and think about all of this stuff, the secret i keep deep down is that life keeps going and the more stuff i have to do keeps me from dealing with intense sadness. so the longer i keep thinking about other stuff, the longer it'll be that i'm not dealing with stuff i really should be dealing with. someday this will kick my ass-- ohh, don't i know it.... i've read about it and encouraged others otherwise. talk about calling the kettle black. guess this is where my faith comes in.... i just know god will be watching me..... he'll choose the right time to teach me the error of my ways!! greaatttt-- i have that to look forward to! perhaps i need to re-evaluate now! :)

when death is close... our experience

it struck me the other day that i became most fearful when i didn't know what to look for in the death experience. i went to the place i knew i would find clues the fastest-- my friends blogs. i knew when their loved ones passed so could go right to the weeks prior to read their experiences.

wow-- y'all sure put my mind at ease. certain things were written that i even brought mom out to read thru-- these pieces gave us courage, knowledge and peace of mind. THANK YOU.

thought that i would share some of that stuff with you today-- in hopes of helping just one other person who might need to understand those same things. granted you should know that everyone's death is individual, there are some things that are pretty standard. although i'm sure i'll dabble between both.... here's our story:

in november of 2007, dad started sleeping more and more. he was still talking, eating and still had recognition, but that sleeping 22 to 24 hours a day for days on end was un-nerving.

december was pretty much the same, but the solid food meals became less. he was still drinking fluids like crazy so his nutrition came primarily from carnation instant milk... but he still loved his fruit and his eggs on those days swallowing wasn't difficult.

january 2008 brought on some personality changes. dad was always a quiet man... very participatory in conversations-- just not chatty... january brought more head nodding and listening. he lost his desire to come out from the bedroom and sit among us. he lost his desire to see visitors or watch the neighbors thru the windows. he also became more picky about what he would eat and would do weird things with his food. this was different as he'd always eaten what was served.

february brought less and less of dad. swallowing became more difficult, talking was there but only responsive if anything. there was a lot of mumbling. his breathing was always labored. he used his walker only to get to the bathroom and back into bed... and he began falling. by the end of february he was not taking any nutition at all. he would go for days without anything. it was at this time i called his primary doc and ordered home healthcare.

i felt-- at the time, that i wasn't doing dad's caregiving well enough... thinking that they would assist dad with better "medical" type help. he hadn't been taking his pills, no fluids or nutrition... he stopped peeing-- no bowel movements in days. by their 2nd visit, they recommended dad go to the hospital. they called the ambulance-- i went back to dad and told him we were going to the hospital. this startled him but he didn't put up a fight. i could see it in his eyes tho.... "please only do what's right." i could have died right on the spot. i knew his wishes but i also knew that we had to take care of him-- it didn't feel all that wrong. i just had to get it in my head that the delicate balance of what dad wanted and what he needed had to be done.

we spent 10 hours in the ER. they put a catheter in him. this was the 2nd time i could have died right on the spot. i hope this memory goes away-- i think those hours in the ER is the worst thing i've ever sat thru in my life so far. he tugged and tugged at that catheter. he was restless, he was in pain, he had people poking him all the time. that misery on his face had me in such a state of "what was i thinking" i couldn't function.

by 11pm that night he was admitted and in his hospital room. while dad did his best to sleep, i went thru all the medical history with the floor nurse and then.... we talked DNR CC.

OMG.

we had sent all the legal papers in the ambulance with dad so the hospital knew his wishes. i knew his wishes. but even with all that stuff, it sorta hits you hard when the actual conversation comes about.

anyway. dad's first couple of days in the hospital were the easiest. i had good contact with the doc. dad had awesome nurses and techs. the most disturbing part of those first days was an infection dad got from the cath. he never stopped fussing with it-- the whole 8 days he was there.... this broke me. but, the medical world insisted on it. we had a social worker talking us into some rehab in a facility in hopes of dad getting his leg strength back. i remained leary but open to their thoughts of what they felt was best.

into the weekend, i saw less and less of that need for rehab. the doc became this person who had been in earlier and he never returned my pleas for his calls. i left sticky notes everywhere! the earlier talk of a feeding tube had ceased. the nurses, while helpful, became less. i don't say this as a fault of them... but i think they saw me as dad's advocate of "why do this anymore" and that's not the way they are trained. they are trained to heal and all efforts must simply adhear to that.

this was frustrating to mom, my brother an especially me. my days consisted on coming down here to mom's first thing in the morning, taking care of her and the dog and animals, going off to the hospital to see dad, coming home to take care of mom at lunchtime, going back to the hospital, coming back to mom's, then collapsing at home to do it all over again-- ohh- and yeah, there's the hubby and kids inbetween to acknowledge! so i was tired-- and having to report to my brother who was traveling at the time-- and to my mom, that the hospital staff is doing this to dad, he's going thru that test, we're waiting on rehab facilities, this could happen, that could happen.... all the while dad is being poked at, tugging at his cath, faces in his face telling him they're going to do this or that-- all different faces... he would look at me, wink or groan and i would melt. i just had to get him home.

he knew. i knew. it was time. enough was enough.

monday night brought in a new social worker. time to force the issue. it was a fight at first but i stayed on her. finally she took a breath and acknowledged what we wanted-- dad to go home under hospice. within minutes the cath and IV came out. i came home to mom's and told her of this small success. that was the first night in days either of us slept.

while i certainly can't get too upset over that last fight, i see a real need for hospital staff to become better at acknowledging the lines of death with family. if i hadn't fought for this, if i hadn't become almost too focal for this, i honestly believe they would have kept treating dad. i was the one who had to ask repeatedly "what are you treating?!!" "what are you hoping to heal?!!" "tell me something new... tell me something medical that contradicts my opinion."

tuesday i went into the hospital thinking dad would be released. funny how those decision makers made themselves scarce. i called, i asked, i left sticky notes. nada. i'm livid by this time. my brother returned home from his travels hoping that i had succeeded in getting dad home. mom was ready-- waiting-- praying.

repeat all that on wednesday.... however, managed to rope the social worker in. she called hospice and i met with them on the spot wednesday afternoon. again went thru all the decisions and made appropriate plans. dad's hospital bed, gel mat, table were delivered to the house by 5pm. one hour earlier and i coulda gotten dad home.... but.... got it ok'd that he'd be transported home thursday morning. this went without a hitch. hospice came thru with determination and grace. they handled it all from the moment i hugged our hospice nurse to seal the deal.

by thursday afternoon we had hospice in the house twice. the 4 hospice meds were ordered and i picked them up. we had a blizzard coming in on friday-- these HAD to be in-house. hospice pays for everything you need while under their care... i walked outta the pharmacy without dropping a dime. maryann waited at home with mom, when i arrived and handed her the meds, she took another 45 minutes to fill the syringes with dad's doseage, filled me in on the how and whens and gave us a crash course on the difference of prevention vs. comfort care.

dad's face was full of relief. he could once again look out his window and feel the warmth of his room. he was immediately emotionally comfortable.

friday the storm came in and we gave dad his meds via syringe in the side of his mouth-- no shots, it was all liquid that absorbs thru the skin. he remained comfortable-- and there was no fear.

saturday was the day dad began his active death experience. his breathing changed-- his breathing stopped and started. anyone who was near him could hear the difference. here's the link to describe pre-active dying and active dying (dad was in pre-active dying for just over three weeks, active dying for 3 days.):

http://www.hospicepatients.org/hospic60.html

our experience with active dying was the noticeable change in breathing, the coolness of his hands, his loss of consciousness, his rigid body, the changed skin color.

sunday was the same as saturday... as was monday. by monday afternoon, a quiet fluttering was heard while he took breaths. it grew louder as the evening went on. this of course is "the death rattle" but to me it seemed more like a flutter or gurgle.

while brother and i sat with him monday night, we talked to him and held his hand. a few times he seemed to relax but the non-stop breathing thru the mouth persisted. this surprised me... i thought we'd see him stop breathing even during this stage. around 9pm, dad opened his eyes for us... big and beautiful! there was peace on his face. he shut them again, then opened them two more times before he took his last, soft breath at 10:51pm. it was very gentle and beautiful.

after awhile, i called hospice. they were in-house within the hour. dena called the details in, then scheduled the funeral home to pick up dad's body. she stayed with us the whole time. we got the narcotics out of the house immediately, cleaned things up a bit then locked the house door by 2am, the final time dad would exit.

here's another link that proved so very helpful to mom and me. it goes thru things that might be on your mind. we found it invalueable.

http://www.healthandage.com/html/min/gentle_endings/web/managing/intro.htm

hope this helps someone out there.

Final Post

dad passed away last night.

3.10.08
10:51pm

3/5/08

ok wow, that was a ride....

without going into everything little thing, dad's now home and in home hospice. the greatest adjustment is with thinking comfort rather than prevention. i'm not there yet.... but i'm ready to learn and make this necessary change.

deepest gratitude to those who attempted to reach me and find out what was going on. i can confidently now say we're ok-- tired but ok.

xo

2/23/08

soon.

soon?

... i'll be back after these heavenly messages.

sunday 2/10/08

weather has been all over the place this week... tolerable and sunny and now the wind is gusting horribly and snow is back on the way.

oldest daughter returns from buffalo this evening-- looks like they'll be driving in some of the weather... thank goodness for text messaging for some quick updates.

dad's good friend from college swung by yesterday and dad was able to get up and sit in his chair to visit for a few. just one of those perfect timing things-- had we planned it, it wouldn't have worked out so well! he did more listening but interacted a bit so i know he enjoyed himself... course he hasn't been out of bed since, but hey--

dad had a huge bloody nose the other night-- when i first arrived it looked as if there was serious trauma... i thought perhaps a fall and head injury... thankfully i could cross those things off the list and quickly determined it was just a nose bleed. his bed, pillow, hands and shirt took the biggest hits-- nothing on the carpets or elsewhere. poor guy-- got him cleaned up and he was good to go again. mom mentioned perhaps his blood pressure spiked, but that's in a good range-- so for now, it came, it was and now it's done.

our guy who helps us with the nastier landscaping stuff came over yeterday and cleared out a lot of brush from the creek area. sure opened things up a lot-- looks great. a couple of neighbors stopped him and gave him grief as if he needed some sort of permission from them to clear out our brush.... hubby and i are scratching our heads over that one. guess they prefer everything to be hidden... i'm more inclined to believe they don't wanna clean their portion of the creek. so'k by me-- i like the greenery too, but i prefer it to be cut back when we have to get by or under it on the tractor while cutting the grass!! we take care of our house-- you take care of yours.... but yeah, i can see your kids and their buddies throw their beer bottles and trash in the creek better now.

brother visits our parents today while i take a bit of a break this afternoon. happy sunday, everyone!

tuesday, 2/5/08

youngest son called needing to come home from school. he's got a flu or something-- gotta nice fever going. he'll be alright... into bed he went.

mom had a call from one of our church friends. she and i were talking about this recently. we were wondering how long it would take for someone to realize we weren't attending anymore. 50 days-- but, who's counting?!! i wasn't really.... had to go count 'em on the calendar for this post.... but i knew it was well beyond past due that someone from church missed dad. makes me sad as mom/dad have attended that church the last 48 years... you'd think someone would have called to say "hey, where are ya?!"

as i sat next to mom during this phonecall, she did everything in her power to let this guy know dad isn't receiving visitors anymore-- nor is he getting out anymore. when she hung up the phone, i asked her for her best guess as to when my cell phone would ring. she said a 1/2 hour. it was 3 minutes. i picked up the phone, yup...

i looked at mom... sitting there looking as if she was ready to commit murder, and i smiled. we go thru this a lot. mom takes a call, explains stuff, then the caller calls me to see if she's telling 'em the truth. now i know mom is a bit salty. but she's never discouraged anyone from seeing dad-- ever. this is new and it's.... well, what is. and, because i heard the conversation, i know she was very polite and honest. there was no embellishing or anger. just facts.

sigh.

i had to do it. i didn't feel awful about it. i told the guy that i was sitting right here next to mom and had heard their conversation. why he was surprised about that, i'm unsure. he's visited dad here 3 or 4 times and knew that i'm on site all day, everyday. somehow he thought i was only here in the afternoons. hmm. have no idea where that one came from-- anyway, i again looked at mom... still has those murderous eyes... got up, hugged her, all the while telling him the same stuff mom said. he tried to "help me remember" that dad was well enough for a "nice conversation" a couple of months ago. uh humm. yeahhhh. uh huh. yes, sir, that's true. things have changed a bit.

i wanted so badly to say.....do you see what this disease is all about? did you look into it just a little bit when you heard this is what dad's suffering with so you could understand what's happening to your friend? i didn't say any of that. but as if he was reading my thoughts, he proudly told me about pills he's heard about that are doing wonders for the disease. uh humm. yeahhh. uh huh. yes, sir, that's true. there are some good pills available.

silence. i get the impression he thinks we're withholding adequate medical attention for dad. not doing "enough." these pills-- these wonderful pills.....

all this is running thru my mind as the silence continues. there's so much to say-- yet there's nothing else to say.

tears came to him as he choked thru the good-bye part of our conversation-- ok, then i felt bad. but... once off the phone, feeling like a poopy-head for telling him i was sitting next to mom, then having to deal with mom who was so hurt that people call me right after they call her as if she's not telling them the truth... well.... yeah, that was fun.

went back to check on dad before i took mom to her office.... whoa! whatta mess. dad was sound asleep so i let him sleep, took mom to work, came home and woke up the mess maker. chocolate shakes do wonders for him... gave him some fish and his shake then proceeded to get him in the shower and get everything in the wash.

"what is that mess?"
"ohh dad.... i've just gotta do some cleaning while you eat. talk to me while i do this!"
"where did that come from?"
"hey dad, did you see the rain outside? it's really pouring.. can you see it?"

hug. wrap him up. kiss his head.

"well. thank you very much! that was great."

yeah for me, too, dad. definitely. i'll do this all day long, just stay with me as long as you're able....
he's sleeping. he's clean. he's happy. the washer's going.

next!!

sunday, 2/3/08

the bucket list..... jack nickolson & morgan freeman

a movie i very much enjoyed! couldn't help but be sad that dad never got the chance to go thru his bucket list.... god willing, i will for him.

saturday, 2/2/08

yup- i know. promises, promises. ok, ok, i get it-- here's the blog update.

had to order a bedside potty for dad... was cleaning up a bit in the next room, turned to find dad relieving himself in his trashcan. "A" for finding a can. "A" for getting out of bed. "F" for my having a wicker trashcan in the room.

nope- this isn't one to share with mamasita-- she'd flip a goard. told her i was going to order a potty for dad, she agreed as he's back to being in bed hours/days and knows he's getting weaker.
got to the library today. mom and i had run out of books to read. murphy's law?? a friend had mailed some to me already-- i just hadn't been given the box yet. another story for another day. we're in good shape again!! THANK YOU, CIN!

mom's exercise bike had already been sold to another, so we'll try, try again. y'all heard of craigslist? i swear the kids and i live off that site. for those unaware, you can find pretty much anything you'd like on craigslist-- you can sell stuff too. it's a on-line classifieds thing-- it's free!! and it's everywhere in the US and beyond (from what i hear). we've sold stuff we wanted to get rid of and we've bought stuff we've wanted... the catch? it's probably used-- but not always... so for those who don't mind second hand things, it's awesome. i've even posted an office opening for someone on there so it's not limited to "things."

anyway, mom's doing ok-- she's been a good girl and drinking her water and taking her pills. we had a fun day today laughing about stuff. dad was up for breakfast this morning and has been down ever since. it's strange that he's resting more peacefully these past couple of days-- usually his breathing is more labored and noisey. hmm. i'll give him this tho-- he's not a messy man. there's no problem keeping him clean and/or changed. it's not perfect mind you, but we get the job done! whatta blessing.

thursday, 1/24/08

we've had more snow this week although it hasn't amounted to much-- have to say it's been beautiful to watch blow around.

dad has worn his pants a few times this week-- such a strange thing to acknowedge, yet it's all good stuff, so bears mentioning. he found his way "back" for awhile! i'm learning to understand the movie "the notebook" more and more.

i ran into a friend of dad's while grocery shopping. we talked a little about the disease and shared common stories about things like this. the last thing he said to me was to tell dad he said hello. i smiled-- said i would knowing that i couldn't. after going thru the checkout line, this friends wife snuck up behind me.... she said, "i suspect you can't tell your dad you ran into us today; please put x's comment out of your head. it was well intended of course, but i know what happens." i welled up and simply hugged her. she did, too... and we each went our separate ways. an understanding.

it's difficult knowing i can't tell dad these kinds of things-- i find it cruel to have to remove nice things like this from him. his world has shrunk too soon, too fast. yet when i weigh the alternative of what happens, i'm faced with dad's reality. it's more wearing on him not recognizing the name of a friend. then it's more wearing on mom and i worrying about dad while he sleeps that depression away. thank god he has yet i'm not strong enough to keep testing those waters.

thursday 1/17/08

is it thursday already?!! zoom zoom.

it's been a quiet week-- in terms of outside activities anyway. we had to make a decision about dad's weekly rotary meetings as dad isn't getting up and attem anymore. since we can't seem to get to church either-- decided that it was time to bow out of the meetings we have to pay for.

it seems to me the folks at rotary will be relieved-- hubby and i both took dad to these meetings and we saw difficulty in the eyes of the men who stepped in to "watch" dad during the meeting while hubby and i excused ourselves to give dad "his time" for the hour. ohh-- they did what they stepped up to do just fine, don't get me wrong. but... as many of us can surely understand, it's an undertaking that the business types embrace with a heavy heart and mind. you can almost hear their minds saying "oh god, he's here again" while they look at me with a forced smile.

this was-- is, hard. dad would never have let someone see a forced smile-- when he stepped up to assist someone, it was always something he did with pleasure in his eyes-- no matter the personal difficulty. truth be known, dad stepped up for each of those guys over the years.... this makes my mind whirl with thoughts of them giving back to dad out of guilt... out of the stigma of doing what's "right" in front of the other people who may be looking on. i hate myself for thinking that stuff yet eyes are the inside of our souls and they tell the true story... unfortunately, i see the true story so cannot pretend to go with any other pretensed version.

so, one more thing just went away "for sure." church we'll just keep trying.

my dad. the man who fought in a war and lived-- wholly. the man who created a flourishing business. the man who took care of each family members full needs. the man who took care of outsiders with no further thought. the man who worked 6 days a week. the man who gave to every charity out there and is on every mailing list across the world (think i'm exaggerating?? ask my brother and sister in law who dealt with his mail!). the man who would drive 6 hours to see his extended family on a whim. the man who stopped in at my house to check on the kids and me when we had no man around. the man who clipped articles and delivered them all over town so folks would see them in case they were somehow missed. the man who taught sunday school and went to prison once a month to teach inmates god's word or just listen.

that man-- my dad-- now enters a room perhaps once a day (if it's a good day) wearing a long-sleeved t-shirt and socks-- that's it, nothing else. that man-- my dad-- now says stuff like "where's the bucket star on the bunny?"

he's awesome, my dad. robbed of his brain or not, he'll always be that other guy.

TGIF 1/11/08

pretty good day....

dad ate 2 meals and a clean-shaven face!

got mom to her office, did some laundry and planned a date night with hubby.

have a great weekend, everyone!

wed 1/8/08

we had a helluva wind pass thru in the past 24 hours. naturally tree limbs came down-- we even have one hanging right on the tip of our a power line-- yeah, no worries there!! having no luck with the power company-- they've got bigger fish to fry, i caught up with the contractor guys already working on the lane and they had used their "backdoor line" and called the power company about the limb already. thank goodness-- all we need is a fire to make the day more entertaining. thank you, good contractors-- thank you for going out of your way for us!!

dad was up and had breakfast... just walked him back to bed. i wanted to shave him before he got back there and the opportunity was lost-- he said he wasn't ready to do that yet. whaattt? dad is a determined one shave a day kinda guy-- today he's got 3 days growth on him. he thanked me for my kind help (walking him to bed, etc.).... now-- this is nice, and dad had always been nice. you know there's a "but" coming, don't you? yup. i do believe that i'm finally just a person in the house he knows helps out. that's it-- just a house helper.

before my oldest daughter goes straight into tears (yes, honey, i know you're reading this), please understand this is not entirely a bad thing. this means dad still is aware that i belong. this small, lovely thing must be embraced and cherished. i have no name, but i belong. this is very important.

it's time to call the VA to see what other arrangements can get made for dad getting his blood levels checked... a steady recent history indicates now that dad has been up-- he's now down until tomorrow. there's not much room to hope i can get him in the car, drive him a 1/2 hour, wait for his name to get called, get the finger stick and get back home again without ruining a nice, calm routine he's gotten into. surely i'll be in for a fight but i'm ready. pray with me that the person i speak with understands the picture-- and that with some flexibility on their end, i can do the sticking if necessary... but would prefer someone come here instead.

one more thing before i sign off for the day...... everyone human-- be them healthy or with disease, deserves to be treated with respect and honor. i've noticed that those with terminal disease don't. what is so frightening? what is so much more important to do? why are they thought of as less than you or me? it's not as if most of them went to god asking for such dread and despair in their life! recognize them, be respectful, listen and be there as much as you are able. it could be you, dear sir or ma'am. do you know for sure that in the next few years it won't be?!! how would you like to be treated if and/or when that time comes. it starts now, doesn't it? one smile, one "let me help you with that" or one anonymous or random act of something good for someone else who might be hurting or challenged in some way. that's all it takes sometimes-- and so simple! it's nothing and certainly won't break your finances. it may interupt your day a bit but is that so bad?! seriously.

hubby called me last night and told a story of a buyer he's currently working with. a 76 year old multi-millionaire (supposedly). this guy is a real sonufabitch-- does nothing but say yes or no to a possible buy via the telephone and argue if you try to respectfully call him "mr so and so." try to talk ratings, negotiate, or stratagize with the guy and he'll simply hang up on you. it's either a yes or it's a no and it's done by talking- he's got no fax or email and wants no mail.

so naturally i started thinking. of course i did! certainly not before i offered hubby an element of sympathy for having to work that way, but got thinking how really sad this guy might be. and further, that if he's really a multi-millionaire at 76, why the heck is he still working and not out enjoying himself. it would appear from the limited facts i know that he likes to work-- that this is his thing... whether he's likeable or not is not for hubby to judge-- hubby's job is to learn how to deal with him on his terms since of course we want his money!

so this is the way it is. the world goes 'round with all sorts of people in it. not saying we have to put up with nasty people-- and sure, they're out there!! but more like we do it courteously, quickly and move on if we sorta have to deal with them as hubby does. we don't know what's going on in his life for him to be so sour... he could be terminal-- or his wife of 50+ years could be-- or perhaps he lost his only child-- or maybe he's lonely but just can't seem to grasp how to relate to others because he was never taught as a child.

it's gotta start somewhere and with someone. i'm in-- and i hope y'all are too.

1/7/08

i think we set a temp record... although i'm not sure.... it reached the mid 60's today. out i went without a coat, cleaned up the yard, took out the trash, ran mom to her appointment. the sun was out, i had talked with 3 of the children-- how amazing is that?

dad was up for breakfast and has been down ever since. youngest son dropped by while i was out with mom-- he kept an eye out for his grampa-- no one told or asked him to-- just did it cuz. how amazing is that?

seems my head is spinning less today. my prayer for focus must be getting answered. how amazing is that?

the buckeyes play for the national championship tonight..... oldest daughter was on campus doing some odd errand for her internship and said it was filled with shorts and t-shirts. scarlet and gray was everywhere, streets are closed off, security set up on every corner. (hey folks, the game's in new orleans!) hubby got off work early- i suspect it had to do with management wanting to get home for their buckeye party. how amazing is that?!!!

life is simply fascinating.

1/5/08

recently this blog has been written in my mind instead of online. although no one can read it, it gets written then rewritten and rewritten... before i know it, days have past and there's nothing on the actual page for others to read-- today it's finally time to deal with this blah, blah, blah rant inside my head.... and get it out!!

my mind isn't focused-- it's out there-- wayyy out there. on things to do, on the unknown, on people i know and the stuff they're dealing with right now, on my family, on my parents, on all the stuff that surrounds me directly or indirectly and on all the stuff i just don't wish to do at the moment! it's a mish-mash this lil head of mine.... and it's bothering me something fierce as i'm a virgo and this just isn't something we virgos are comfortable with!

probably all this is because it's the new year and i'm remembering what my life used to be and wondering what my life will be like when my parents no longer need me. i read a blog earlier that said some stuff that i so much wanted to say-- but since i can't seem to find focus, it's impossible for me to complete-- so darn it, someone beat me to it. they had the right words, the right thoughts, the right-- JEEZ-- everything!! clear, concise, to the point. i used to be that way and now i'm just-- well, not. where did i go?! is it ok that part of me went into hibernation? is it ok that the choices i make today have practically no defining moments? is that the point to all this mish-mash-- to be ok with what is now cuz i'm somehow not ok with it and didn't know it?

the answer is no-- i'm not in denial of what is now at all. i know things are ok just as much as i know some other things aren't ok. it's simply a depressing time for me-- i hate winter, for one! and yeah, nothing is as i once knew it but i've never shyed away from change in all my life. i embrace change and adapt to it without much recourse otherwise. so what is the problem here? the problem is-- things are going away. precious things... and they're going away at what seems like the speed of light. my mind can't adjust that quickly no matter how quickly i pride myself in doing just that. so instead of having the luxury of grieving or thinking it thru, fixing or dealing... i'm getting slammed with hit after hit of those precious things just going away! there's no time to process stuff-- causing thoughts to swim around and around in my head, just waiting for some kind of net to catch it and work it thru.

quick-- safety line, please!! haha

the children are each dealing with stuff they've never had to deal with before. nothing horrible, but as their mom, i worry about them and these changes in their lives. of course, i do what i can, but it seems i'm so damn stuck and the choices or decisions are too limited to be of any great service. then there's the flipside to all that stuff they're dealing with-- that position where i have to let them figure out how to get thru their issues because they're growing up and need to handle such things themselves.

dad is in a very weird place and i don't know what to call it. he's lost interest in a lot of things making it hard to converse or entertain. i can't tell what kind of mood he's in as it's always the same-- not happy, not sad, not mad, not anything in particular but something similar to monotone. there's no surprise in his voice, no anger, no glee, no exclamation point. he responds to music with his foot or head-- that is what i interpret as happy. he stares out the window-- that is what i interpret as interest. yesterday i had him sign some papers my brother had dropped off-- he did so first by putting a checkmark on the line. i sank into a hole however calmly asked if he might write his full name on the line next to the check. he did just that as i was wondering to myself if he would or could. so that was a nice thing.

mom is bored out of her mind. she reads and plays games on her computer and attempts to empty the dishwasher. all good stuff but she's bored. and she's scared. she randomly stated she wants a stationary bike to get more exercise-- oook, yep, i can take care of that. it was so nice to hear she's interested in one! i thought about it all night last night and came up with a good, long-term project for her... putting family pictures in albums. i told her about it this morning and she said "yes!" think i passed out for a moment-- something i suggested actually sparked an interest?!! kewl.

the album idea sorta hit me because mom and my brother have been working on dad's obit recently. talk about doing something depressing. i certainly understand the need to get it done now rather when the main event arrives, but sheesh--- that came outta the blue when i was told what they were up to. guess i should be grateful they asked for my opinion but my head had chosen to be hurt when i wasn't asked to participate at the beginning. i got over it pretty fast when logic kicked in-- let 'em write the thing; it's something they can do together.

anyway, i thought maybe putting an album of dad and his family would be the place to start since they were already in the frame of mind while working on the obit. might be nice to have pictures for those who might be interested. we'll see what happens.

the place i call home is getting renovated for its sale. while again this is nice-- and yes, was part of our original plan when we married, i find myself lost in the one place i could always find comfort. some real hurtful things have happened within this renovation process. it would be overstepping our personal boundaries to blah blah blah specific hurts so gotta leave it at that. but i will share one obvious thing no one is immune to-- people you think you know very well can and will surprise you!

guess i'd best stop putting my head-ranting into words and do something else for awhile. there's only one thing left to say at the moment.... GO BUCKEYES!!

2008

someone gave 2007 the one fingered salute.... i thought that was hilarious! had i read that post earlier i would have stayed up longer last night. can't say '07 was that horrible as a whole, but there have been some real trying times and some really trying people i'd willingly salute. naturally i'm gonna have to immediately sit down and pray for forgiveness as i'm already feeling guilty for saying that out loud.... but hey, it's done and i can always repent repeatedly.

the folks are holding their own. mom's sorta pouty today but she's not being too pouty that it's uncomfortable. dad has been up and down pretty good today-- and yes!!! he's once again using his walker. thank you god! he's been scaring the dickens outta me recently. perhaps he got tired of me following him everywhere, or perhaps he got tired of me putting the walker right next to where he ended up plopping down for awhile... it certainly wasn't the pep talk about using it. bottom line, i'm just glad he's now using it and can walk safely around the house.

whatever 2007 was, it's now time to concentrate on 2008. whatever that means... i hope it's full of the good stuff for all you folks reading this. as for me-- and many other caregivers out there... 2008 will be an hour by hour, day by day journey. that's ok.... that's what we do!! so let's all get on with what we do, shall we?! day #1. check.