my week was as normal as normal could be.... until last night. hubby and i had gone to work out-- youngest son was at the football game-- youngest daughter still with her mom. then... out of the blue, a text message came in.
it's always a treat when oldest son gets ahold of me like this. i saw his name flash on the screen and smiled. his text-- "i miss gpa"
rather than having a blast with his buddies or whatever-- he was feeling a sense of personal loss on a friday night. ohhhh man! THUD. we text each other a couple more times, then said good-night. amazing how just a couple of text messages can send you to a place of mass emotion.
later last night, oldest daughter calls... issues on the roommate front. i'd say the conversation was short n' sweet, but let's leave it at short. we've talked about this stuff for awhile now and the situation escalated to uncomfortable-- she wanted to let me know. i opened my mouth, said a couple of things she wasn't wanting to hear at the moment and we hung up saying we'd talk again today.
i'll be the first to admit i don't always say the right things at the right times. i'm not sure if i made things worse for both kids or not last night. probably. this morning i have regret. with the whole night spent thinking about both communications, i'm pretty sure i was too sensitive to one and not sensitive enough with the other.
note to both kiddos if you're reading this-- i'd give anything to take your pain away. i can't change the way i think..... but i can apologize if i created more pain for either of you.
with hubby sound asleep, i stuck close to the dog the remainder of the night...... i can think or say anything i want and it stays so simple-- pet my head.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Labor day weekend 2008
easy come, easy go....
days roll in as fast as they leave anymore. i don't know how much that actually scares me, but it's a testament of how time passes me by on many days. i feel a real sense of loss when i look at the clock. it's not as if there aren't good things happening inside those hours.... they just aren't the stuff of which dreams are made. this is what i call cruising time..... doing what cha gotta do but not enjoying a passionate feeling of joy.
although i'm not working anymore-- a disappointing story not worth the details or time, i'm looking again for that extra "oomph." i'm still running.... something my children would realistically call jogging, so that's nice. but it's laborous as the bones age... i've yet to find what runners call that place where you "need" to run because it feels so right. for me, running takes every bit of motivation i've got to get to it.
anyway, mom's left eye was taken care of for cataracts.... we're in the never-ending eye drop stage for both eyes over the next several weeks. while she can put drops in herself, it gets confusing for her even with everything written out. heck-- I have trouble without the list!! so i'm here every couple of hours to ensure it gets done. the beautiful part of this whole thing is the fact she can see colors again! it's a beautiful world out there-- especially her back yard which she looks out at most of the day.... she's missed it for too long! her doctor tell us she's ahead of schedule with her seeing ability.... he's not kidding-- the woman can out-see a cat at night now! major kudos to dr. orlando and those new crystal lenses.
many "anniversaries" are coming up now.... this last quarter of last year was extremely tough for my caregiver buddies as someone seemed to lose their loved one everytime i read a blog. i had to make a tough choice to remove myself from reading blogs.... too painful. last august was the last full month we had dad in an overall ok state-- alz considered. the downhill spiral started and went fast from there... i just didn't know it at the time.
so, here's to you, my blogger buds. may god embrace your hearts and hold them close. i'm thinking about you and praying for your acceptance and healing each day.
8/17/07-chris' mom
9/17/07-lori's Helen
9/20/07-nancy's Russ
9/21/07-flinty's dad
10/15/07-chris' dad
11/02/07-betsey's mom
11/14/07-stef's nonna
12/27/07-cinn's mom
yeah... perhaps this explains why time is passing me by right now. i miss my dad. just as these friends miss their special people. mom closed dad's bedroom door so her pups wouldn't go hiding in there.... reasonable enough... but each time i go back there i urgently feel as if i need to be checking on him. then i see the closed door and feel weird.... a tightening.... not pain.... a twinge. ugh. i've turned into a 3 year old saying.... i no want to!!
days roll in as fast as they leave anymore. i don't know how much that actually scares me, but it's a testament of how time passes me by on many days. i feel a real sense of loss when i look at the clock. it's not as if there aren't good things happening inside those hours.... they just aren't the stuff of which dreams are made. this is what i call cruising time..... doing what cha gotta do but not enjoying a passionate feeling of joy.
although i'm not working anymore-- a disappointing story not worth the details or time, i'm looking again for that extra "oomph." i'm still running.... something my children would realistically call jogging, so that's nice. but it's laborous as the bones age... i've yet to find what runners call that place where you "need" to run because it feels so right. for me, running takes every bit of motivation i've got to get to it.
anyway, mom's left eye was taken care of for cataracts.... we're in the never-ending eye drop stage for both eyes over the next several weeks. while she can put drops in herself, it gets confusing for her even with everything written out. heck-- I have trouble without the list!! so i'm here every couple of hours to ensure it gets done. the beautiful part of this whole thing is the fact she can see colors again! it's a beautiful world out there-- especially her back yard which she looks out at most of the day.... she's missed it for too long! her doctor tell us she's ahead of schedule with her seeing ability.... he's not kidding-- the woman can out-see a cat at night now! major kudos to dr. orlando and those new crystal lenses.
many "anniversaries" are coming up now.... this last quarter of last year was extremely tough for my caregiver buddies as someone seemed to lose their loved one everytime i read a blog. i had to make a tough choice to remove myself from reading blogs.... too painful. last august was the last full month we had dad in an overall ok state-- alz considered. the downhill spiral started and went fast from there... i just didn't know it at the time.
so, here's to you, my blogger buds. may god embrace your hearts and hold them close. i'm thinking about you and praying for your acceptance and healing each day.
8/17/07-chris' mom
9/17/07-lori's Helen
9/20/07-nancy's Russ
9/21/07-flinty's dad
10/15/07-chris' dad
11/02/07-betsey's mom
11/14/07-stef's nonna
12/27/07-cinn's mom
yeah... perhaps this explains why time is passing me by right now. i miss my dad. just as these friends miss their special people. mom closed dad's bedroom door so her pups wouldn't go hiding in there.... reasonable enough... but each time i go back there i urgently feel as if i need to be checking on him. then i see the closed door and feel weird.... a tightening.... not pain.... a twinge. ugh. i've turned into a 3 year old saying.... i no want to!!
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