end of april

well.... another month gone! i suspect may will come and go as quickly as my graduates are quickening their pace and their sibling is planning a move into a new apartment. it's a fun time for this mom as i watch and listen to their plans. lil man is negotiating financial arrangements with his college of choice-- oldest daughter is keeping several balls in the air with potential employers-- oldest son is planning his future although i suspect he's rather unaware of it. this is good stuff for ole mom to see.

the testing my mom went thru yesterday went without a hitch. it was one long-ass day but she made it thru just fine. for me, (and yes, certainly my mom) now comes the hard part.... waiting for results and the docs determination of what's next. we know there will be surgery the first week of june. we know it'll be an extensive surgery-- 7-8 hours minimum. yesterday's testing will tell us if a couple hours will be added to that.

we already know she'll be in the hospital a minimum of a week and she'll have a feeding tube. a tracheostomy may be needed... if. beyond that is unknown today.

after talking with my brother last night, it became clearer to me that we're in for a ride. i had all the information in my head but hadn't put it all together until i started explaining everything i knew.

there's a lot about our mother that neither of us can predict. we've done a lot of guessing as to how she'll deal with things but the surprises come often-- caregiving for mom is very much like playing a tennis match. i've done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours..... the cliche that you really never know someone keeps coming out on top.

with that said, i can tell you that i'm totally impressed with mom right now. totally! there were years my brother and i were told that she just "wanted off the planet." she was so angry and unhappy.... she wanted her life on earth to be done. with this new challenge, she's dealing and wants to do what she's being told must be done. gotta hand it to her.... if i was asked a month ago whether or not she'd go thru with the surgery, etc., i would have told you no, she would not. both her mother and her sister "hid" their cancers from the family. it was too late by the time anyone figured it out-- they secretly lived with it until their lives ended.

i could write forever on the pros and cons of my gramma and aunts decisions.... i won't do that. but i will tell you that i get both sides. i miss them. their family misses them. but we were left with a lot of unanswered questions. let's hope no one's gonna be missing my mom for quite a long time.... and when that time comes, we'll all know she did the best she could do. every decision counts whether we agree or disagree personally. when it comes down to dying, it should be on our own terms.... god willing.