random stuff floating in my head

... i can only wish for some sort of landing!

i mentioned in my last post that the gathering of information is my most frustrating part of caregiving. because you have to dive into peoples stories, it also becomes tremendously sad.
so i go thru my days gaining good knowledge, feeling a bit overwhelmed as its vastness, and feeling a deep fear for what's on the horizon.

it's not the stuff mom has to do that creates the fear-- it's wondering how she's going to handle it. and, how i'm going to handle it!

i wonder if she's going to stop treatments before they start, and frankly, i see real reasons for it. i haven't old her all i know as i'm going to leave that to her doctor (we see him on tuesday). no reason to give her several days of horrible shit to think about.

i want nothing more than for my mom to live yet it comes down to that quality of life thing i feel so strongly about. she's going to be injected, burned and cut open. then she'll have to be injected and burned all over again after she gets cut. she doesn't know all of that yet-- she only knows parts of it.

she deserves better. after dad passed, she got a big chunk of her life back-- now it's being taken away in small increments of torture. what is god planning for her? and at 73, will she accept his terms? will i?

my parents are wonderful people. they gave to others without strings attached. we had the "leave it to beaver" family. no drama-- our lives centered on the 4 of us, our extended family, church, careers and making a difference for those who were less fortunate.

i cannot understand why our god chose to give my parents the one big trial of their lives during their golden years.

my dad was brilliant and shared his brilliance with the world. he had no arrogance when it came to sharing his knowledge or wisdom with others. he lost his brain power to alzheimers-- his gifts were taken away.

my mom. she is as brilliant as dad was. her talent has been shared more selectively-- specifically with my brother, close friends and me. she's always been a go-getter. at a full foot shorter than i, it was always hard to keep up with her while walking-- when she had someplace to go, she go there fast! she could get thru more tasks in a day than i could conjure up attempting. she was here, there, everywhere. now, she's losing her legs and going to endure practically everyone of her greatest fears-- doctors, hospitals, injections... pain.

it may seem like i'm sitting here questioning god. it's sorta there, but i have more faith in his ultimate plan. it seems like his plan for me is to test that path of faith. whatever journey i'm on-- and was on with dad, is his plan being put in motion for me. so far, this is my greatest test in life. i wonder if i have the ability to stay on the path cuz i'm waivering a bit.

join me in prayer?

Monday, 6/22/09

maybe you'll notice my blog's name has changed. guess it became time to acknowledge my time with dad is no longer valid on this earth. my time is precious, now, with mom.

i'm in a bit of a fog today. it was a difficult weekend and mom's oncologist appointment this morning hasn't lessened the trials. in back of all this fog is reality-- thankfully it comes into focus when necessary.

my greatest joy today is that mom is eating and doing her normal thing. she certainly heard everything i did this morning.... her fog seems to mirror mine-- we focus when we have to and let everything else simmer away inside our respective heads when not facing each other directly.

the first thing i need to do-- soon, is get information. there's tons of it at the hospital so i'll grab it, bunker down and let the info sink in. things will evolve from there.

i'm remembering my first weeks of caregiving for dad and his alzheimer's disease. tons of places to get info, but nothing immediately answering important questions. you have to dig and probe.... there's tons of generic information but god help you with specifics. i seriously get frustrated with this part. i remember with complete admiration two people: lori and joanne. one a caregiver knee-deep in alz, the other a RN with some serious get-down-to-business answers. lifesavers!!! in no time, along came several others throwing their 2-cents worth and ta-da..... score!!

yes, it will come. but yes, i'm in infant info stages here and am feeling lost.

most everyone knows my great belief in god. as i sit here, i'll thank him for the strength he's giving me and the faith he has in me. back at `cha, father! i'll also kneel on my knees to pray for everything he knows i need. and, i'm in great need so there's gonna be a lot more kneeling.

i could take the time to write out what's next for mom..... for me..... but tonight, i know it will come out as cold and hard. frankly, what's next is exactly those things but i wish to go about writing it all better than that.

the pissy attitude portion of tonights segment follows.....

i know we're not the first to deal with cancer. i know we'll get thru it. i know god will be there for us every step of the way. i know we'll have good days and not so good days. i know i--we, need to find courage and hope and i know i need to take care of myself. i know nothing is easy and life gives us challenges. i know it'll get easier, then it will get worse, then better, then perhaps it'll be done. and i know we'll have to hang in there.

right now all that stuff is just blah, blah, blah. words.

well. ok then! pissy attitude portion is now complete and you're free to roam happier places on the net.

tomorrow will be a better day.