random stuff floating in my head

... i can only wish for some sort of landing!

i mentioned in my last post that the gathering of information is my most frustrating part of caregiving. because you have to dive into peoples stories, it also becomes tremendously sad.
so i go thru my days gaining good knowledge, feeling a bit overwhelmed as its vastness, and feeling a deep fear for what's on the horizon.

it's not the stuff mom has to do that creates the fear-- it's wondering how she's going to handle it. and, how i'm going to handle it!

i wonder if she's going to stop treatments before they start, and frankly, i see real reasons for it. i haven't old her all i know as i'm going to leave that to her doctor (we see him on tuesday). no reason to give her several days of horrible shit to think about.

i want nothing more than for my mom to live yet it comes down to that quality of life thing i feel so strongly about. she's going to be injected, burned and cut open. then she'll have to be injected and burned all over again after she gets cut. she doesn't know all of that yet-- she only knows parts of it.

she deserves better. after dad passed, she got a big chunk of her life back-- now it's being taken away in small increments of torture. what is god planning for her? and at 73, will she accept his terms? will i?

my parents are wonderful people. they gave to others without strings attached. we had the "leave it to beaver" family. no drama-- our lives centered on the 4 of us, our extended family, church, careers and making a difference for those who were less fortunate.

i cannot understand why our god chose to give my parents the one big trial of their lives during their golden years.

my dad was brilliant and shared his brilliance with the world. he had no arrogance when it came to sharing his knowledge or wisdom with others. he lost his brain power to alzheimers-- his gifts were taken away.

my mom. she is as brilliant as dad was. her talent has been shared more selectively-- specifically with my brother, close friends and me. she's always been a go-getter. at a full foot shorter than i, it was always hard to keep up with her while walking-- when she had someplace to go, she go there fast! she could get thru more tasks in a day than i could conjure up attempting. she was here, there, everywhere. now, she's losing her legs and going to endure practically everyone of her greatest fears-- doctors, hospitals, injections... pain.

it may seem like i'm sitting here questioning god. it's sorta there, but i have more faith in his ultimate plan. it seems like his plan for me is to test that path of faith. whatever journey i'm on-- and was on with dad, is his plan being put in motion for me. so far, this is my greatest test in life. i wonder if i have the ability to stay on the path cuz i'm waivering a bit.

join me in prayer?