Monday, 6/22/09

maybe you'll notice my blog's name has changed. guess it became time to acknowledge my time with dad is no longer valid on this earth. my time is precious, now, with mom.

i'm in a bit of a fog today. it was a difficult weekend and mom's oncologist appointment this morning hasn't lessened the trials. in back of all this fog is reality-- thankfully it comes into focus when necessary.

my greatest joy today is that mom is eating and doing her normal thing. she certainly heard everything i did this morning.... her fog seems to mirror mine-- we focus when we have to and let everything else simmer away inside our respective heads when not facing each other directly.

the first thing i need to do-- soon, is get information. there's tons of it at the hospital so i'll grab it, bunker down and let the info sink in. things will evolve from there.

i'm remembering my first weeks of caregiving for dad and his alzheimer's disease. tons of places to get info, but nothing immediately answering important questions. you have to dig and probe.... there's tons of generic information but god help you with specifics. i seriously get frustrated with this part. i remember with complete admiration two people: lori and joanne. one a caregiver knee-deep in alz, the other a RN with some serious get-down-to-business answers. lifesavers!!! in no time, along came several others throwing their 2-cents worth and ta-da..... score!!

yes, it will come. but yes, i'm in infant info stages here and am feeling lost.

most everyone knows my great belief in god. as i sit here, i'll thank him for the strength he's giving me and the faith he has in me. back at `cha, father! i'll also kneel on my knees to pray for everything he knows i need. and, i'm in great need so there's gonna be a lot more kneeling.

i could take the time to write out what's next for mom..... for me..... but tonight, i know it will come out as cold and hard. frankly, what's next is exactly those things but i wish to go about writing it all better than that.

the pissy attitude portion of tonights segment follows.....

i know we're not the first to deal with cancer. i know we'll get thru it. i know god will be there for us every step of the way. i know we'll have good days and not so good days. i know i--we, need to find courage and hope and i know i need to take care of myself. i know nothing is easy and life gives us challenges. i know it'll get easier, then it will get worse, then better, then perhaps it'll be done. and i know we'll have to hang in there.

right now all that stuff is just blah, blah, blah. words.

well. ok then! pissy attitude portion is now complete and you're free to roam happier places on the net.

tomorrow will be a better day.