one year anniversary coming up...... thoughts have been circling my head for awhile now. some painful, some happy. mom received the hospice "one year" note of sympathy and hope. that was nice-- and painful. i remember reading how some other caregivers friends reacted to their notes.

while i'm not sure how i'll be on the 10th..... my head is planning. i want to begin again. begin in the truest of ways. will i accomplish that--i dunno; i can't let that part sink in right now. all i know is dad would want me to continue trying my best. that, i will do.

3.10.08
10:52pm

pray with us.

12/25/2008

merry christmas!!

12/22/2008

happy birthday, dad!

i miss you everyday.

we won't be making anymore memories together, but having our past memories is enough for now.... we'll make more when we meet in your new home. promise you'll be there waiting for me when it's my time to go.

can you sit with mom some today, dad? i know she wants to feel your presence. i think she's done being mad. we've been laughing a lot more lately over little stuff. it's good to see her laugh.

you're helping my brother get thru his kidney stones, aren't you? keep doing what you're doing, dad. you and the docs are keeping him comfortable.

you know i feel you coming up the steps and thru the door..... i appreciate you sitting at the kitchen table while i fix dinner. banjo knows you're there..... his barks let me know you've arrived so i can clear my mind. "gooder than a nickle" that one!

dad, i'm trying to hold on to my happiness. i know you see it's been rough around home. you always had advice or that knowing tear to offer. there's so much i just cannot do anymore. i'm tired. but i know things don't get fixed by themselves. during your times like this, i know you'd simply help someone else. my efforts are little as my hands are so tied. why can't i see i make a difference? other than mom, i can't seem to expand.

i'm glad you are where you are. the earth is a harsh place to live right now. people are being forgotten. people are hurting each other and feeling no remorse. it's almost christmas, dad.... our world needs a christmas miracle. good people are losing their homes, their families. i'm sure our selfishness has caused this castastrophy. our lessons must be learned. our god has a sense of humor, doesn't he? i'm so angry! i just want to shake it out of people! get over yourself!!

i want to teach people, dad. i want to help people understand how to live in peace! how can i do this when i'm stuck? it makes me feel so insignificant.....

well. isn't that some birthday message?!! jeez.

anyway, i'll be thinking about you all day. i hope you're happy and i hope you're with friends to celebrate the day of your earthly birth.

sending you hugs and love.

sunday, 12/21/2008

tomorrow is dad's birthday. he's been on my mind a lot recently.... a lot. nothing bad as it's always good to have memories-- it's just that i know that they are only memories now and knowing that makes me sad.

he's been getting christmas cards from various organizations that has him on their mailing list. one person he worked with years ago sent a card-- mom had to write to let him know he's passed away. i'm sure the news probably hit him hard as he was really involved with dad for a number of years. somehow word hadn't gotten to him.

brother, mom and i wrapped up dad's estate stuff with the attorney this week. we made the year-end filing deadline thanks to brothers intense work simplifying everything.... it pretty much means everything is done and in the courts hands to put their stamp of approval on without having to jump thru hoops. this effort is thanks to my parents having all their ducks in a row with legal paperwork stating exactly who, what, where and how.

get your legal docs in order, folks!! your family and pocketbook will appreciate it.

hubby is probably going insane with my night time movie watching. we share the remote pretty well and when it gets thrown at me, chances are it'll find some lifetime or hallmark christmas movie. he hasn't said anything-- which is surprising, but i'm grateful as he seems to lay 20 questions as to why i breathe anymore.

this week is going to be an interesting one. daughter finds out if she gets an internship she wants so much, oldest son decides how he's going to handle school and gets his car back from the repair shop (he was hit a couple weeks ago), youngest son probably gets his ACT scores back and youngest daughter is raging a war between her mom and dad over how she wants things. christmas day will be just another thursday in our house this year and although there's a vague awareness among all the troops, i'm praying for divine intervention on the mental capacity level. health, love, and gathering together under one roof needs to be enough. pray with me this is enough.

to those who have work, pennies in your pocket, food on your table, gas in your car, may god continue to bless you. to those who have their health and loved ones surrounding them, may god continue to bless you. to those who are without but have love, hope and faith, may god continue to bless you. to those who are without the holy spirit in your hearts, may you find god's blessings.

merry christmas to all!!

friday, 12/12/2008

my daughter sent me this blog link...... it's awesome! the words to explain what we have/had to do with alzheimers patients is so clear-- clearer than i could ever explain. what struck me the most is the fact that i could do those things so simply with dad. i just couldn't explain what i was doing to those in the "normal" world.

http://newoldage.blogs.nytimes.com/2008/12/04/talking-alzheimers/

hubby's work holiday party was last night. we went to the local comedy club. the company was forced to let 2 staffers go the day before... and it was something we worried about.... how to deal with that among the faces of those who survived the cutbacks. as it turned out, one of those staffers joined the party and taught us a good lesson..... there's life after tragic events. i really like earl...... he's a rockstar. the laughter and smiles he gave us last night was a honest to god gift from heaven for me.... i pray he'll be alright-- but i know in my heart he will be.

thru all lifes trials, yes virginia, there is a santa claus. i'm gonna clean my chimney today.... there's nothing if not hope.

sunday, 12/7/08

it snowed. ok-- so the stuff is pretty... especially with the sun making everything brighter.

wish my outlook was as bright. oh sure-- i have faith in my heart. i smile. i chuckle. i find good in things. christmas movies touch my heart. the family is healthy. the core... deep down basic needs are there. so why so.... well.... glum inside?

i know the answers.... and frankly, they aren't anything more than what others are suffering from, too. but, i'm having my own pity party.... because i can.

from the looks in peoples eyes, no one is supposed to know what's really happening inside. appearance is everything ya know.

i can't live that way. i can't pretend everything is just hunky dory. if you looked into my eyes and saw what's really there, you'd see shame, embarrassment, guilt. think again if you believe i'm gonna deny it and pretend life's a vacation of joy. life has kicked me (us) hard..... not hard enough to break me (us) tho... this counts.

what kills me most is the attitude. the damnation. the assumptions. have people really forgotten that not everything you assume is what it is? people are harsh in their judgements. we're a spoiled group of humans yet we'll go to the mat to make it seem otherwise. i have no room for those types of people, yet they surround me. i can remove them from my immediate area but they still cause me grief as they come and go from my safe walls.

bring on the christmas movies and the library books...... i'm chosing to barricade myself from this crap for as long as it takes.

monday 11/24/2008

now i know this isn't typical of me..... but it made me laugh-- and today...... i'm all about a laugh. so thought i'd share.... and hope y'all laugh too.