monday july 20

here we go. radiation begins. guess you can say we're ready but.... there's that letter that came on saturday that threw us until we heard more about it today. the letter was one of those form letters.... it said mom has an appt this friday with so and so doctor at whatever time.

HUH? who's this doc and why do we need an appt with him?!

well.... i can't complain that they didn't try to help answer our question. a couple people called me back and a couple of people at the hospital tried to find out. essentially all we found out was this was a chemo doc. so, we spent most of the day sick to our stomach. awesome.

the phone rang just as i was swinging out the door for youngest son's college appt. i saw it was the hospital so i picked it up while son's face drained all it's color. i know, i know.... we have to go. but i HAVE to get this!

it was one of our prior nurses on the phone who had heard we were asking questions about an appt... man-- i love this woman! she saw us at the hospital today but missed us before we left. so she called letting us know about the chemo doc. i guess the normal protocol with cancer patients is to see both a radiation doc and a chemo doc. but because no one has ever mentioned chemo to us throughout this whole thing we felt like something slipped thru the cracks.

more than that tho, we felt deceived. it was horrible! mom's ready for rad. all prepared and good to go. then...... we might also have chemo?? well, what the heck?! why weren't we told?

anyway, the butt of it is that protocol. all patients see both rad and chemo docs, but you don't necessarily have both treatments. it's a case by case basis. the chemo department is simply 2 weeks behind in their appointments. ohhhhhh! ok then.

so will mom also have chemo? god i hope not. but we'll go to the appt and find out.

i dunno if i'd say it was a good day. but son got his pic taken for his ID, his classes scheduled and his dorm contract signed. and, we got our form letter question answered. our stomachs have recovered from the shock of potential chemo, but.... we're better than we were at 3pm.

thursday... a bit of fun

the day has been extremely stressful.... so when i got an update on oldest daughter, some fun entered the day-- yay!

my daughter really did it right when she got her first full time job. she earned every letter on that job offer, lemme tell you.

anyway.... she's in chicago doing a client promotion. check out what she helped put together:

http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Just-Another-Day-of-Showering-With-Strangers.html

sunday! 7/5/09

finally got mom's room painted today. WAHOO! youngest son and oldest daughter helped.... timed that one right, eh?!! haha. ohhh- the dog helped too.... he resembles a dalmation now. bath sometime soon, but not tonight.

all bedding and curtains were washed during the process.... got the curtains hung back up already, waiting on bedding to dry. in the meanwhile, i put only her necessary items back in. i had her do a walk thru with me and she decided to paint a couple more things so i don't wanna going moving things for the 3rd time. as long as the walls were beautious i am happy to do more pieces parts for her!! she was so happy.

tomorrow is making of the mask day. mom gets her nails done later in the afternoon-- gonna be a tired lil one! she's using all her energy thinking about what pictures she wants where, so at least she's not festering over cancer stuff. my bro took all his pics down and stuff out last month in prep for this day of painting.... finally-- she'll get her room to look exactly as she wants it-- no remaining kid stuff to work around. she moved into that room to give dad space and to give her some peace. she doesn't wanna go back into 'dad's' room-- their marriage bedroom. makes me sorta sad but at least she's happy.

hope everyone had a safe holiday! back to the grindstone, eh?

26 Guards

God's 26 Guards Here's a message that will bring you chills. Have you ever felt the urge to pray for someone and Then just put it on a list and said, 'I'll pray for them later'? Or has anyone ever called you and said, 'I need you to pray for me, I have this need?' Read the following story that was sent to me and may it change the way that you may think about prayer and also the way you pray. You will be blessed by this.... A missionary on furlough told this true story while visiting his home church in Michigan . 'While serving at a small field hospital in Africa , every two weeks I traveled by bicycle through the jungle to a nearby city for supplies. This was a journey of two days and required camping overnight at the halfway point. On one of these journeys, I arrived in the city where I planned to collect money from a bank, purchase medicine, and supplies, and then begin my two-day journey back to the field hospital. Upon arrival in the city, I observed two men fighting, one of whom had been seriously injured. I treated him for his injuries and at the same time talked to him about the Lord. I then traveled two days, camping overnight, and arrived home without incident.... Two weeks later I repeated my journey. Upon arriving in the city, I was approached by the young man I had treated. He told me that he had known I carried Money and medicines. He said, 'Some friends and I followed you in to the jungle, Knowing you would camp overnight. We planned to kill you and take your money and drugs. But just as we were about to move into your camp, We saw that you were surrounded by 26 armed guards. At this, I laughed and said that I was certainly all alone in that jungle campsite.. The young man pressed the point, however, and said, 'No, sir, I was not the only person to see the guards, my friends also saw them, and we all counted them. It was because of those guards that We were afraid and left you alone' At this point in the sermon, one of the men in the congregation jumped to his feet and interrupted the missionary and asked if he could tell him the exact day this happened. The missionary told the congregation the date, and the man who interrupted told him this story: 'On the night of your incident in Africa , it was morning here and I was preparing to go play golf. I was about to putt when I felt the urge to pray for you. In fact, the urging of the Lord was so strong, I called men in this church to meet with me here in the sanctuary to pray for you. Would all of those men who met with me on that day stand up?' The men who had met together to pray that day stood up. The missionary wasn't concerned with whom they were, He was too busy counting how many men he saw. There were 26. This story is an incredible example of how the Spirit of the Lord moves in behalf of those who love Him. If you ever feel such prodding to pray, go along with it, you don't know what it can mean to that person. Nothing is ever hurt by prayer except the gates of hell. I encourage you to forward this to as many people as you know. If we all take it to heart, we can turn this world toward God once again. As the above true story clearly illustrates, 'With God all things are possible'. More importantly, how God hears and Answers the prayers of the faithful. After you read this, please pass it on and Give God thanks for the beautiful gift of your faith, for the powerful gift of prayer, and for the many miracles He works in your own daily life... And then pass it on. Who says God does not move on the earth today? I asked the Lord to bless you as I prayed for you today. To guide you and protect you as you go along your way. His love is always with you, His promises are true, and when we give Him our cares you know He will see us through. So when the road you're traveling on seems difficult at best, Just remember I'm here praying, And God will do the rest.

tuesday 7/1/09

happy almost birthday to our nation!

it's been a rough week personally, but mom's week has been ok.

we went to the radiation consult yesterday-- 3 hours! yikes!! we learned about everything and mom is ready to get started. sure thought there'd be some depression but she's good as gold!

she gets fitted for what they call a mask next monday. they will use this mask to hold her head in place while she gets burned..... it's horrible to refer to it that way, but that's what it is! we'll get her rad schedule planned then she'll start.

we learned yesterday that because the hospital will practically be a home base for us the next couple of months that they "treat" us to free valet parking or free garage parking. incredible how such a small thing made us so happy! that money adds up!

s'all for now. happy 4th, everyone!

random stuff floating in my head

... i can only wish for some sort of landing!

i mentioned in my last post that the gathering of information is my most frustrating part of caregiving. because you have to dive into peoples stories, it also becomes tremendously sad.
so i go thru my days gaining good knowledge, feeling a bit overwhelmed as its vastness, and feeling a deep fear for what's on the horizon.

it's not the stuff mom has to do that creates the fear-- it's wondering how she's going to handle it. and, how i'm going to handle it!

i wonder if she's going to stop treatments before they start, and frankly, i see real reasons for it. i haven't old her all i know as i'm going to leave that to her doctor (we see him on tuesday). no reason to give her several days of horrible shit to think about.

i want nothing more than for my mom to live yet it comes down to that quality of life thing i feel so strongly about. she's going to be injected, burned and cut open. then she'll have to be injected and burned all over again after she gets cut. she doesn't know all of that yet-- she only knows parts of it.

she deserves better. after dad passed, she got a big chunk of her life back-- now it's being taken away in small increments of torture. what is god planning for her? and at 73, will she accept his terms? will i?

my parents are wonderful people. they gave to others without strings attached. we had the "leave it to beaver" family. no drama-- our lives centered on the 4 of us, our extended family, church, careers and making a difference for those who were less fortunate.

i cannot understand why our god chose to give my parents the one big trial of their lives during their golden years.

my dad was brilliant and shared his brilliance with the world. he had no arrogance when it came to sharing his knowledge or wisdom with others. he lost his brain power to alzheimers-- his gifts were taken away.

my mom. she is as brilliant as dad was. her talent has been shared more selectively-- specifically with my brother, close friends and me. she's always been a go-getter. at a full foot shorter than i, it was always hard to keep up with her while walking-- when she had someplace to go, she go there fast! she could get thru more tasks in a day than i could conjure up attempting. she was here, there, everywhere. now, she's losing her legs and going to endure practically everyone of her greatest fears-- doctors, hospitals, injections... pain.

it may seem like i'm sitting here questioning god. it's sorta there, but i have more faith in his ultimate plan. it seems like his plan for me is to test that path of faith. whatever journey i'm on-- and was on with dad, is his plan being put in motion for me. so far, this is my greatest test in life. i wonder if i have the ability to stay on the path cuz i'm waivering a bit.

join me in prayer?

Monday, 6/22/09

maybe you'll notice my blog's name has changed. guess it became time to acknowledge my time with dad is no longer valid on this earth. my time is precious, now, with mom.

i'm in a bit of a fog today. it was a difficult weekend and mom's oncologist appointment this morning hasn't lessened the trials. in back of all this fog is reality-- thankfully it comes into focus when necessary.

my greatest joy today is that mom is eating and doing her normal thing. she certainly heard everything i did this morning.... her fog seems to mirror mine-- we focus when we have to and let everything else simmer away inside our respective heads when not facing each other directly.

the first thing i need to do-- soon, is get information. there's tons of it at the hospital so i'll grab it, bunker down and let the info sink in. things will evolve from there.

i'm remembering my first weeks of caregiving for dad and his alzheimer's disease. tons of places to get info, but nothing immediately answering important questions. you have to dig and probe.... there's tons of generic information but god help you with specifics. i seriously get frustrated with this part. i remember with complete admiration two people: lori and joanne. one a caregiver knee-deep in alz, the other a RN with some serious get-down-to-business answers. lifesavers!!! in no time, along came several others throwing their 2-cents worth and ta-da..... score!!

yes, it will come. but yes, i'm in infant info stages here and am feeling lost.

most everyone knows my great belief in god. as i sit here, i'll thank him for the strength he's giving me and the faith he has in me. back at `cha, father! i'll also kneel on my knees to pray for everything he knows i need. and, i'm in great need so there's gonna be a lot more kneeling.

i could take the time to write out what's next for mom..... for me..... but tonight, i know it will come out as cold and hard. frankly, what's next is exactly those things but i wish to go about writing it all better than that.

the pissy attitude portion of tonights segment follows.....

i know we're not the first to deal with cancer. i know we'll get thru it. i know god will be there for us every step of the way. i know we'll have good days and not so good days. i know i--we, need to find courage and hope and i know i need to take care of myself. i know nothing is easy and life gives us challenges. i know it'll get easier, then it will get worse, then better, then perhaps it'll be done. and i know we'll have to hang in there.

right now all that stuff is just blah, blah, blah. words.

well. ok then! pissy attitude portion is now complete and you're free to roam happier places on the net.

tomorrow will be a better day.