long weekends were once something i enjoyed.... 7 day a week caregiving means no more long weekends. i find myself not caring about that-- which i guess is good!
our little lane is a hidden santuary-- a place where quiet rules during the summer. with the trees and flowers in full bloom it's a piece of heaven on earth-- something a long weekend couldn't even come close to topping as i enjoy it all day and all night long.
youngest sons graduation ceremony was friday night. grad parties have begun and will continue thru the weekend. good thing he's got a ton of friends cuz we aren't able to host one ourselves. i haven't told him his college of choice has upped his scholarship and grant funds-- i hope this will be accepted as his grad gift! i've still got to come up with thousands more to actually get him there.... buy hey-- every little bit counts and the school has answered our prayers with additional assistance from their own purse strings.
as memorial day approaches, i'm planning my annual trip to the family grave sites. i've read several articles this past week about how memorial day has simply become a long weekend for people in the united states. it's made me sad as this day deserves so much more respect. it's not about opening pools and wearing white shoes..... it's honoring those who serve and protect our country! well, i'll do my part and i hope y'all will do yours. i've put a new flag out on mom's pole... dad would be happy to see that.
happy memorial day, folks!
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Friday, May 15, 2009
friday-- 5/14/09
wow-- two posts in a week! i've decided to post again because i just finished reading a book that i've gotta recommend.
eat, pray, love
by elizabeth gilbert
anyone who's on a journey in their life would find this book one of value. it's not a magic book of answers-- it's simply following a woman on her personal journey. i loved the book because it provided a great balance of thought provoking stuff to ponder and awesome humor.
i've concluded that after this caregiving role is done, i must to go on a journey like the author. my journey will not include the traveling as liz's does.... but it will include doing things and going places that will get my mind where it's supposed to be-- in a good, happy and contented place. that's my brand new long-term goal-- with an estimated start time of 2015. (!!)
my reality (unfortunately) is it's impossible for this journey to begin under the circumstances i live with today. sure, i can read tons of books and articles.... i can pray anytime, anywhere. those are some things for my now..... they'll get me by the day-to-day. this issue of day-to-day is what has caused my soul to dehydrate-- it didn't start with caregiving-- although caregiving did intensify this depletion... it really started back in my 20's. i could go into all that but the cliff notes version is enough. i simply did what i had to do because of a particular obligation i was under. i gave no further thought that i wasn't doing something i really, really wanted to do. i didn't feel any great sense of loss because i was too busy to think otherwise.
here lies the great cliche...... life passes you by. here's my beef..... i let it! i didn't have anyone along the way who pulled me aside and said "hey girl-- what are you doing to fulfill your soul?!" or, "hey girl-- you're so busy doing what you gotta do that you're forgetting about doing stuff you wanna do!" i have such a sense of duty! further-- i was always complimented on that sense of duty-- which i suspect gave me satisfaction and encouragement to simply continue being dutiful. did i mention i'm co-dependent? i learned that in my late 20's and it's been proved many times since. yet-- i've really done nothing about it other than to acknowledge this notion. my head will remind me but my actions do nothing about it. days come in-- days go out.
soooo, now i have a new goal that will start in approximately 5-10 years from now. i will start planning for it-- now. sure hope my soul can hang on for the duration..... it will-- i've proven it can be done. there will be a price to pay-- i know this too and will prepare. i'm in gods hands-- that's my start!
read the book, friends. lemme know what you think.
eat, pray, love
by elizabeth gilbert
anyone who's on a journey in their life would find this book one of value. it's not a magic book of answers-- it's simply following a woman on her personal journey. i loved the book because it provided a great balance of thought provoking stuff to ponder and awesome humor.
i've concluded that after this caregiving role is done, i must to go on a journey like the author. my journey will not include the traveling as liz's does.... but it will include doing things and going places that will get my mind where it's supposed to be-- in a good, happy and contented place. that's my brand new long-term goal-- with an estimated start time of 2015. (!!)
my reality (unfortunately) is it's impossible for this journey to begin under the circumstances i live with today. sure, i can read tons of books and articles.... i can pray anytime, anywhere. those are some things for my now..... they'll get me by the day-to-day. this issue of day-to-day is what has caused my soul to dehydrate-- it didn't start with caregiving-- although caregiving did intensify this depletion... it really started back in my 20's. i could go into all that but the cliff notes version is enough. i simply did what i had to do because of a particular obligation i was under. i gave no further thought that i wasn't doing something i really, really wanted to do. i didn't feel any great sense of loss because i was too busy to think otherwise.
here lies the great cliche...... life passes you by. here's my beef..... i let it! i didn't have anyone along the way who pulled me aside and said "hey girl-- what are you doing to fulfill your soul?!" or, "hey girl-- you're so busy doing what you gotta do that you're forgetting about doing stuff you wanna do!" i have such a sense of duty! further-- i was always complimented on that sense of duty-- which i suspect gave me satisfaction and encouragement to simply continue being dutiful. did i mention i'm co-dependent? i learned that in my late 20's and it's been proved many times since. yet-- i've really done nothing about it other than to acknowledge this notion. my head will remind me but my actions do nothing about it. days come in-- days go out.
soooo, now i have a new goal that will start in approximately 5-10 years from now. i will start planning for it-- now. sure hope my soul can hang on for the duration..... it will-- i've proven it can be done. there will be a price to pay-- i know this too and will prepare. i'm in gods hands-- that's my start!
read the book, friends. lemme know what you think.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
5/14/09
i haven't decided which is more difficult.... caregiving for a person with alzheimer's or caregiving for a physically challenged person with full mental ability and has an upcoming surgery for cancer-- with an unknown cancer whatever after surgery.
a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.
the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.
the poor woman is scared shitless!
for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.
sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).
the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!
so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.
this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.
a couple nights ago i woke up with an answer to some thoughts that had been swirling around in my head for a couple of weeks..... for whatever reason, it was 2:34am when those unknowns became understood. DOH!! i laid there feeling like an idiot for not figuring it out sooner.
the realization was that my mother has been preparing herself for death. she wasn't just retiring. she wasn't just getting her files put in the right folders. she wasn't just surrounding herself with things she liked being around.
the poor woman is scared shitless!
for this past month, i've been helping her with all those things that needed to be done and i didn't process what was really happening. she's always been a very organized person. she's always been very much in charge of her stuff. her patience can be stretched as anyone's can..... but she's never been quite so.... well..... emotionally urgent about stuff.
sure, i knew her cancer diagnosis has been on her mind.... how could it not be? it's like an elephant in the room. we acknowledge it when we have to but otherwise, we leave it alone. mom's never been one to have a sit down conversation about personal things unless she deems it necessary to do. she's always chosen what she wants to share and when. because i know this, i don't take offense (let's just say the apple doesn't fall far from the tree on that one!).
the kicker for me as her caregiver is this..... all sorts things have been happening that i should have seen immediately as stressers. there's no "normal" for her right now. yet she's been pretty normal to me..... outside of those little more than normal "urgent" stressers... and silly ole me took a month to understand it!
so today, i'll do some more thinking. today, i'll do some more planning. it's strategy this life thing.... this caregiving for mom thing. with dad i needed some strategy at the beginning.... but true strategy wasn't needed from the middle to the end. he was mentally lost. it had become more caring for rather than caregiving.
this is seriously difficult stuff... only different from my other story of seriously difficult stuff. i've giving myself an honorary PhD when this is over.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
mother's day
happy day to all you moms of kids n' animals (yes, they count)!
having 3 of the greatest kids on earth has made me happy since 1987. it doesn't take a day such as today for me to be grateful for them. the blessings they bestowed on me are so vast they are indescribeable. did i spell that right? oh well i don't care, you get it.
my mom has has a good mother's day.... a visit from bro and sister-in-law... and my daughter stopped by too, so her day has filled up well-- and now she's off with her once a month eating buddy. she's having a good day.
mom's appetite has been minimal and it's a worry but not a big concern-- yet. i know the problem is mental and that counts big time on the life-balances scale. she's always been a very light eater, now it's simply lighter than light. she's getting full nutrition thanks to her carnation (ensure type) drink. i hope this outing of hers brings enjoyment and a ton a calories!
we've gotten her office boxes completely unpacked and everything is now in a place-- good. the only thing left on our list of to-do's is get a wireless printer for her. bro is working on that already and with any luck, i'll pick it up and we'll have it in place this week. it's a major craigslist find. thankfully it comes from a business, so i have less worry about meeting up with someone i don't know.
youngest son's prom was last night-- got him back home this morning with no surpises or issues. yay! my heart was at peace all night as the kids got his head on straight..... but i'm also a realist and expect the unexpected..... seeing his smiling face back home this morning certainly brought relief that nothing unexpected happened!
til next time. blessings to you all.
having 3 of the greatest kids on earth has made me happy since 1987. it doesn't take a day such as today for me to be grateful for them. the blessings they bestowed on me are so vast they are indescribeable. did i spell that right? oh well i don't care, you get it.
my mom has has a good mother's day.... a visit from bro and sister-in-law... and my daughter stopped by too, so her day has filled up well-- and now she's off with her once a month eating buddy. she's having a good day.
mom's appetite has been minimal and it's a worry but not a big concern-- yet. i know the problem is mental and that counts big time on the life-balances scale. she's always been a very light eater, now it's simply lighter than light. she's getting full nutrition thanks to her carnation (ensure type) drink. i hope this outing of hers brings enjoyment and a ton a calories!
we've gotten her office boxes completely unpacked and everything is now in a place-- good. the only thing left on our list of to-do's is get a wireless printer for her. bro is working on that already and with any luck, i'll pick it up and we'll have it in place this week. it's a major craigslist find. thankfully it comes from a business, so i have less worry about meeting up with someone i don't know.
youngest son's prom was last night-- got him back home this morning with no surpises or issues. yay! my heart was at peace all night as the kids got his head on straight..... but i'm also a realist and expect the unexpected..... seeing his smiling face back home this morning certainly brought relief that nothing unexpected happened!
til next time. blessings to you all.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
end of april
well.... another month gone! i suspect may will come and go as quickly as my graduates are quickening their pace and their sibling is planning a move into a new apartment. it's a fun time for this mom as i watch and listen to their plans. lil man is negotiating financial arrangements with his college of choice-- oldest daughter is keeping several balls in the air with potential employers-- oldest son is planning his future although i suspect he's rather unaware of it. this is good stuff for ole mom to see.
the testing my mom went thru yesterday went without a hitch. it was one long-ass day but she made it thru just fine. for me, (and yes, certainly my mom) now comes the hard part.... waiting for results and the docs determination of what's next. we know there will be surgery the first week of june. we know it'll be an extensive surgery-- 7-8 hours minimum. yesterday's testing will tell us if a couple hours will be added to that.
we already know she'll be in the hospital a minimum of a week and she'll have a feeding tube. a tracheostomy may be needed... if. beyond that is unknown today.
after talking with my brother last night, it became clearer to me that we're in for a ride. i had all the information in my head but hadn't put it all together until i started explaining everything i knew.
there's a lot about our mother that neither of us can predict. we've done a lot of guessing as to how she'll deal with things but the surprises come often-- caregiving for mom is very much like playing a tennis match. i've done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours..... the cliche that you really never know someone keeps coming out on top.
with that said, i can tell you that i'm totally impressed with mom right now. totally! there were years my brother and i were told that she just "wanted off the planet." she was so angry and unhappy.... she wanted her life on earth to be done. with this new challenge, she's dealing and wants to do what she's being told must be done. gotta hand it to her.... if i was asked a month ago whether or not she'd go thru with the surgery, etc., i would have told you no, she would not. both her mother and her sister "hid" their cancers from the family. it was too late by the time anyone figured it out-- they secretly lived with it until their lives ended.
i could write forever on the pros and cons of my gramma and aunts decisions.... i won't do that. but i will tell you that i get both sides. i miss them. their family misses them. but we were left with a lot of unanswered questions. let's hope no one's gonna be missing my mom for quite a long time.... and when that time comes, we'll all know she did the best she could do. every decision counts whether we agree or disagree personally. when it comes down to dying, it should be on our own terms.... god willing.
the testing my mom went thru yesterday went without a hitch. it was one long-ass day but she made it thru just fine. for me, (and yes, certainly my mom) now comes the hard part.... waiting for results and the docs determination of what's next. we know there will be surgery the first week of june. we know it'll be an extensive surgery-- 7-8 hours minimum. yesterday's testing will tell us if a couple hours will be added to that.
we already know she'll be in the hospital a minimum of a week and she'll have a feeding tube. a tracheostomy may be needed... if. beyond that is unknown today.
after talking with my brother last night, it became clearer to me that we're in for a ride. i had all the information in my head but hadn't put it all together until i started explaining everything i knew.
there's a lot about our mother that neither of us can predict. we've done a lot of guessing as to how she'll deal with things but the surprises come often-- caregiving for mom is very much like playing a tennis match. i've done a lot of thinking about this over the last 24 hours..... the cliche that you really never know someone keeps coming out on top.
with that said, i can tell you that i'm totally impressed with mom right now. totally! there were years my brother and i were told that she just "wanted off the planet." she was so angry and unhappy.... she wanted her life on earth to be done. with this new challenge, she's dealing and wants to do what she's being told must be done. gotta hand it to her.... if i was asked a month ago whether or not she'd go thru with the surgery, etc., i would have told you no, she would not. both her mother and her sister "hid" their cancers from the family. it was too late by the time anyone figured it out-- they secretly lived with it until their lives ended.
i could write forever on the pros and cons of my gramma and aunts decisions.... i won't do that. but i will tell you that i get both sides. i miss them. their family misses them. but we were left with a lot of unanswered questions. let's hope no one's gonna be missing my mom for quite a long time.... and when that time comes, we'll all know she did the best she could do. every decision counts whether we agree or disagree personally. when it comes down to dying, it should be on our own terms.... god willing.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
saturday, 4/18/09
i've got a nasty cold. i was perplexed as to how i got it... somehow while caregiving over the past few years, i've managed to stay well. and thank god! giving sickness to my parents wasn't on the list of things to do. hubby finally put my mind to rest last night as all week i've kept saying i don't understand how i caught this..... obviously i don't have enough to worry about as this has been top of mind! haha. so the answer lies with a co-worker-- according to hubby, she brought her children to the office easter shin-dig last friday that we all attended despite them having a fever and strepp throat.
brilliance!! absolute brilliance!!
good parenting is something i think about a lot. i'm old school. i believe that children have a right to fail and be disappointed. do i wish that on them? no way. but i embrace it. too many children get every darn thing they want because gosh darn it-- they deserve it!
case in point-- this co-workers children. god forbid they be disappointed and must stay home...... they absolutely HAD to go to mom's office to enjoy the festivities. it wasn't good enough that the following sunday they would have the biggest easter basket known to man waiting for them. soo, bottom line, the kids enjoyed the shin-dig and several of hubby's co-workers got to enjoy being off work suffering thru sore throats and misery, and i got to bring my sickness into my mom's house the week before she goes to the oncologist. yes, this morning, she's sneezing and monday is her appointment.
ohhh-- well done.
brilliance!! absolute brilliance!!
good parenting is something i think about a lot. i'm old school. i believe that children have a right to fail and be disappointed. do i wish that on them? no way. but i embrace it. too many children get every darn thing they want because gosh darn it-- they deserve it!
case in point-- this co-workers children. god forbid they be disappointed and must stay home...... they absolutely HAD to go to mom's office to enjoy the festivities. it wasn't good enough that the following sunday they would have the biggest easter basket known to man waiting for them. soo, bottom line, the kids enjoyed the shin-dig and several of hubby's co-workers got to enjoy being off work suffering thru sore throats and misery, and i got to bring my sickness into my mom's house the week before she goes to the oncologist. yes, this morning, she's sneezing and monday is her appointment.
ohhh-- well done.
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Easter Sunday!
i've already received some pics from friends with wee ones..... the easter bunny may be right up there with santa!
mom's appt with the oncologist is the 20th.... she's received some mail about the appt. but has yet to show it to me. so'k.... all in due time. it's probably stress related but some spots have shown up on mom's face and they worry me. when they became obvious i asked about them and she replied that they've always been there. k, we'll go with that for now.
mom's been to her office now three times..... making good headway at closing it up. my brother will surely make a comment to me when he visits mom here at home the next time-- all her precious letters and pictures have come home and are surrounding her at the kitchen and computer tables. then, there are the boxes of stuff she needs "to do something with" creating an inner wall in the kitchen, and half the worlds pens and pencils now reside here as well. he's always chuckled at women's nesting efforts..... his mother is the reigning queen.
it's a bit shocking to walk thru all this stuff and she's only begun to clean out her office. i've always been impressed with the older generations in my family..... everything they have is important to keep somewhere safe and it's not until my generation helps them move it that we see how well hidden things have been! seriously-- from inside picture frames and book covers to deep vases, you literally have to dig and inspect every item before you can decide what to do with it. a treasure may be hidden inside it! dad had hidden things for decades..... his office could have been donated to the smithsonian as is.
mom's appt with the oncologist is the 20th.... she's received some mail about the appt. but has yet to show it to me. so'k.... all in due time. it's probably stress related but some spots have shown up on mom's face and they worry me. when they became obvious i asked about them and she replied that they've always been there. k, we'll go with that for now.
mom's been to her office now three times..... making good headway at closing it up. my brother will surely make a comment to me when he visits mom here at home the next time-- all her precious letters and pictures have come home and are surrounding her at the kitchen and computer tables. then, there are the boxes of stuff she needs "to do something with" creating an inner wall in the kitchen, and half the worlds pens and pencils now reside here as well. he's always chuckled at women's nesting efforts..... his mother is the reigning queen.
it's a bit shocking to walk thru all this stuff and she's only begun to clean out her office. i've always been impressed with the older generations in my family..... everything they have is important to keep somewhere safe and it's not until my generation helps them move it that we see how well hidden things have been! seriously-- from inside picture frames and book covers to deep vases, you literally have to dig and inspect every item before you can decide what to do with it. a treasure may be hidden inside it! dad had hidden things for decades..... his office could have been donated to the smithsonian as is.
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