my week was as normal as normal could be.... until last night. hubby and i had gone to work out-- youngest son was at the football game-- youngest daughter still with her mom. then... out of the blue, a text message came in.
it's always a treat when oldest son gets ahold of me like this. i saw his name flash on the screen and smiled. his text-- "i miss gpa"
rather than having a blast with his buddies or whatever-- he was feeling a sense of personal loss on a friday night. ohhhh man! THUD. we text each other a couple more times, then said good-night. amazing how just a couple of text messages can send you to a place of mass emotion.
later last night, oldest daughter calls... issues on the roommate front. i'd say the conversation was short n' sweet, but let's leave it at short. we've talked about this stuff for awhile now and the situation escalated to uncomfortable-- she wanted to let me know. i opened my mouth, said a couple of things she wasn't wanting to hear at the moment and we hung up saying we'd talk again today.
i'll be the first to admit i don't always say the right things at the right times. i'm not sure if i made things worse for both kids or not last night. probably. this morning i have regret. with the whole night spent thinking about both communications, i'm pretty sure i was too sensitive to one and not sensitive enough with the other.
note to both kiddos if you're reading this-- i'd give anything to take your pain away. i can't change the way i think..... but i can apologize if i created more pain for either of you.
with hubby sound asleep, i stuck close to the dog the remainder of the night...... i can think or say anything i want and it stays so simple-- pet my head.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Sunday, August 31, 2008
Labor day weekend 2008
easy come, easy go....
days roll in as fast as they leave anymore. i don't know how much that actually scares me, but it's a testament of how time passes me by on many days. i feel a real sense of loss when i look at the clock. it's not as if there aren't good things happening inside those hours.... they just aren't the stuff of which dreams are made. this is what i call cruising time..... doing what cha gotta do but not enjoying a passionate feeling of joy.
although i'm not working anymore-- a disappointing story not worth the details or time, i'm looking again for that extra "oomph." i'm still running.... something my children would realistically call jogging, so that's nice. but it's laborous as the bones age... i've yet to find what runners call that place where you "need" to run because it feels so right. for me, running takes every bit of motivation i've got to get to it.
anyway, mom's left eye was taken care of for cataracts.... we're in the never-ending eye drop stage for both eyes over the next several weeks. while she can put drops in herself, it gets confusing for her even with everything written out. heck-- I have trouble without the list!! so i'm here every couple of hours to ensure it gets done. the beautiful part of this whole thing is the fact she can see colors again! it's a beautiful world out there-- especially her back yard which she looks out at most of the day.... she's missed it for too long! her doctor tell us she's ahead of schedule with her seeing ability.... he's not kidding-- the woman can out-see a cat at night now! major kudos to dr. orlando and those new crystal lenses.
many "anniversaries" are coming up now.... this last quarter of last year was extremely tough for my caregiver buddies as someone seemed to lose their loved one everytime i read a blog. i had to make a tough choice to remove myself from reading blogs.... too painful. last august was the last full month we had dad in an overall ok state-- alz considered. the downhill spiral started and went fast from there... i just didn't know it at the time.
so, here's to you, my blogger buds. may god embrace your hearts and hold them close. i'm thinking about you and praying for your acceptance and healing each day.
8/17/07-chris' mom
9/17/07-lori's Helen
9/20/07-nancy's Russ
9/21/07-flinty's dad
10/15/07-chris' dad
11/02/07-betsey's mom
11/14/07-stef's nonna
12/27/07-cinn's mom
yeah... perhaps this explains why time is passing me by right now. i miss my dad. just as these friends miss their special people. mom closed dad's bedroom door so her pups wouldn't go hiding in there.... reasonable enough... but each time i go back there i urgently feel as if i need to be checking on him. then i see the closed door and feel weird.... a tightening.... not pain.... a twinge. ugh. i've turned into a 3 year old saying.... i no want to!!
days roll in as fast as they leave anymore. i don't know how much that actually scares me, but it's a testament of how time passes me by on many days. i feel a real sense of loss when i look at the clock. it's not as if there aren't good things happening inside those hours.... they just aren't the stuff of which dreams are made. this is what i call cruising time..... doing what cha gotta do but not enjoying a passionate feeling of joy.
although i'm not working anymore-- a disappointing story not worth the details or time, i'm looking again for that extra "oomph." i'm still running.... something my children would realistically call jogging, so that's nice. but it's laborous as the bones age... i've yet to find what runners call that place where you "need" to run because it feels so right. for me, running takes every bit of motivation i've got to get to it.
anyway, mom's left eye was taken care of for cataracts.... we're in the never-ending eye drop stage for both eyes over the next several weeks. while she can put drops in herself, it gets confusing for her even with everything written out. heck-- I have trouble without the list!! so i'm here every couple of hours to ensure it gets done. the beautiful part of this whole thing is the fact she can see colors again! it's a beautiful world out there-- especially her back yard which she looks out at most of the day.... she's missed it for too long! her doctor tell us she's ahead of schedule with her seeing ability.... he's not kidding-- the woman can out-see a cat at night now! major kudos to dr. orlando and those new crystal lenses.
many "anniversaries" are coming up now.... this last quarter of last year was extremely tough for my caregiver buddies as someone seemed to lose their loved one everytime i read a blog. i had to make a tough choice to remove myself from reading blogs.... too painful. last august was the last full month we had dad in an overall ok state-- alz considered. the downhill spiral started and went fast from there... i just didn't know it at the time.
so, here's to you, my blogger buds. may god embrace your hearts and hold them close. i'm thinking about you and praying for your acceptance and healing each day.
8/17/07-chris' mom
9/17/07-lori's Helen
9/20/07-nancy's Russ
9/21/07-flinty's dad
10/15/07-chris' dad
11/02/07-betsey's mom
11/14/07-stef's nonna
12/27/07-cinn's mom
yeah... perhaps this explains why time is passing me by right now. i miss my dad. just as these friends miss their special people. mom closed dad's bedroom door so her pups wouldn't go hiding in there.... reasonable enough... but each time i go back there i urgently feel as if i need to be checking on him. then i see the closed door and feel weird.... a tightening.... not pain.... a twinge. ugh. i've turned into a 3 year old saying.... i no want to!!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
sunday, 8/17/08
happy birthday to my bro! too bad he hasn't a clue how old he is..... we had our monthly sibling dinner friday night-- joining us that night was mom and dad's college roommate and his wife. the conversation turned to my brother's birthday and the question was asked how old..... bro came up with an answer that only proved how many hours he'd been working that week!
FINALLY got my laptop back!! wahooo!! it's been over a month. for all those concerned-- i'm fine. just a bit out of touch without my lifeline.
mom had one eye done for cataracts.... all's well so far. she has the other eye done next week. other than her life now directed around eyedrops, mom's in very good spirits! i watched the surgery... didn't think i could, but wow-- how kewl!! wasn't gross at all.
the biggest news on my end is i'm now employed.... i've been looking for the perfect situation that allowed me to be here with mom. it seems to have found me and i start tomorrow. i'll be working in a wellness center... it's only 4 days a week and a schedule that allows me to do everything with the kids and mom that i need to... amazing. thank you, god!
FINALLY got my laptop back!! wahooo!! it's been over a month. for all those concerned-- i'm fine. just a bit out of touch without my lifeline.
mom had one eye done for cataracts.... all's well so far. she has the other eye done next week. other than her life now directed around eyedrops, mom's in very good spirits! i watched the surgery... didn't think i could, but wow-- how kewl!! wasn't gross at all.
the biggest news on my end is i'm now employed.... i've been looking for the perfect situation that allowed me to be here with mom. it seems to have found me and i start tomorrow. i'll be working in a wellness center... it's only 4 days a week and a schedule that allows me to do everything with the kids and mom that i need to... amazing. thank you, god!
Friday, June 27, 2008
it's a friday and it's june....
:) my days are running together!
so i brought the jo down to mom's to give him a bath.... she's got the fancy hose thing so it's easier washing him here than at home. the pups doesn't mind getting a bath, but getting him in there is always a special task. i managed to get him locked in the back of the house where the bath and bedrooms are..... after running the water and laying out the towels, i went in search of my 4-legged buddy.
sure i wish i had my camera...... it was a scene the brain will never forget.
the jo was in dad's bed-- laying on dad's side of the bed with his head actually on the pillow.
i had to leave him there for a bit..... an overwhelming feeling said dad was there with him-- it was a moment.
later that night-- before i could tell hubby about the jo/dad moment, hubby called.... i was back down here at mom's getting her ready for bed. he was being told things-- random things-- from what he felt was an older man. hubby wrote all the stuff down for me... nothing makes sense at the moment... a name of someone i don't know (yet), a city, some dollar amounts or numbers, not sure.
i'll let you know if something comes of all that..... right now, the hair on the back of my neck is up. there's something to this..... dr. watson and i will be following the trail.
hi, what's up, dad?! i love you. i miss you.
so i brought the jo down to mom's to give him a bath.... she's got the fancy hose thing so it's easier washing him here than at home. the pups doesn't mind getting a bath, but getting him in there is always a special task. i managed to get him locked in the back of the house where the bath and bedrooms are..... after running the water and laying out the towels, i went in search of my 4-legged buddy.
sure i wish i had my camera...... it was a scene the brain will never forget.
the jo was in dad's bed-- laying on dad's side of the bed with his head actually on the pillow.
i had to leave him there for a bit..... an overwhelming feeling said dad was there with him-- it was a moment.
later that night-- before i could tell hubby about the jo/dad moment, hubby called.... i was back down here at mom's getting her ready for bed. he was being told things-- random things-- from what he felt was an older man. hubby wrote all the stuff down for me... nothing makes sense at the moment... a name of someone i don't know (yet), a city, some dollar amounts or numbers, not sure.
i'll let you know if something comes of all that..... right now, the hair on the back of my neck is up. there's something to this..... dr. watson and i will be following the trail.
hi, what's up, dad?! i love you. i miss you.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
sunday, 6/1/08
got an email last night.... one of the neighbor boys had a graduation party in full swing-- the dog was attached to my hip in fear-- i had to give both of us a break so went downstairs to youngest sons computer to get us both away from the party noise coming thru the windows. there they were staring at me-- those two words "hey guys..."
i knew. my heart fell as i opened the email. my friends dad is in hospice-- day #1.
before i could read anything else i trucked upstairs-- the dog followed in panic-- (ohh if dogs could talk!!) and poured myself a glass of wine. hubby and youngest son had gone to a late movie and it was up to me to deal with the night. we trucked back downstairs-- pups crawled deep into sons bed as i sat down to read, glass in hand.
i must have sat there for 10 minutes with tears in my eyes. it was hospice with dad all over again. i understood what was happening instantly-- i've yet to have a good cry for dad-- it's all bottled up. still is-- those tears were for my friend. i raised my glass and sorta chuckled at my weakness-- last drop of wine went down in a gulp... damn co-dependency..... thought that crap was gone. god's sense of humor. deal, katmir. one way or another, i gotta deal.
daaaaaddddddd!!
i knew. my heart fell as i opened the email. my friends dad is in hospice-- day #1.
before i could read anything else i trucked upstairs-- the dog followed in panic-- (ohh if dogs could talk!!) and poured myself a glass of wine. hubby and youngest son had gone to a late movie and it was up to me to deal with the night. we trucked back downstairs-- pups crawled deep into sons bed as i sat down to read, glass in hand.
i must have sat there for 10 minutes with tears in my eyes. it was hospice with dad all over again. i understood what was happening instantly-- i've yet to have a good cry for dad-- it's all bottled up. still is-- those tears were for my friend. i raised my glass and sorta chuckled at my weakness-- last drop of wine went down in a gulp... damn co-dependency..... thought that crap was gone. god's sense of humor. deal, katmir. one way or another, i gotta deal.
daaaaaddddddd!!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
random
in another few weeks, it'll mark the 3rd month of dad's passing. and, memorial day is next week so hubby and i will be doing our cemetery rounds..... this will be the first time dad will be included. we don't have his marker yet-- this makes me sad. dad's best childhood friend, gale, will be included this year, too.
so much has happened since dad passed away.... lil man went to prom, the HS baseball team is in playoffs, the college team is on their way to the world series in idaho, oldest son completed the local 5K race for the cure, 21st birthday celebrations are well underway-- all those kids who grew up and played sports with our kids. the twins and the lil man all officially became seniors-- of course two seniors of college and one in high school-- but it's the first year their 4 year difference really marks something unique. next year at this time we'll have 3 graduates... weird. youngest daughter will enter 7th grade. dad was always big on following the kids and their sports. he would have marveled at what's happening. he's gonna miss a lot of upcoming celebrations-- hopefully he'll be watching.... but i'll miss seeing him in those photos.
dad bought a cub cadet tractor a little over two years ago. he bought it for us really as he knew it was too complicated for him to use. i still remember "the lesson" we had out in the field-- it was hilarious! learning to drive that thing was something else-- a machine that makes you feel like an idiot. his thinking at the time was that he could ride his "lil blue" tractor along side of us on the cub cadet..... i think we managed to do that once. but-- he still loved grass cutting day..... he would watch hubby ride that cub cadet and chuckle the whole time.... it could turn on a dime and go so fast. of course hubby made a show of it cuz he knew dad was watching.... it looked so easy and fun when someone else used it! that first summer i was caregiving for dad full time, dad went out to the barn and gave it a try. he managed to sit and find the key, but couldn't figure out how to do anything from there. it was one of the first times i experienced the full affect of alz.
guess that popped in my head cuz i now use the cadet. i imagine dad watching me from up there and chuckling. we haven't had it serviced yet this year..... this is probably giving dad a lot of pain.... it's scheduled, dad!!
hubby wears some of dad's shirts and jackets now. dad would be pleased. i love seeing him in that stuff but it sorta throws me when i first notice it. "dad! ohhhh chrimini-- hi honey...." conflicting emotions within one second. jeez oh pete.
i'm gonna have to get a bit more creative with mom. she's doing fine overall, but i see some changes that need to be made to keep her on track. it's time to find reasons to get her back to her office. she's stayed away by sending me for her mail.... the time has come for her to start going back for a couple hours each day. she's becoming a bit of a hermit and i'm seeing signs of depression setting in.
we have some big events happening this summer.... lil man's 17th birthday, hubby's birthday, the twins 21st birthday (a trip to vegas to celebrate this occassion has been booked-- i offered this to them a long time ago... thought this was a pretty good way to spend your 21st.... hubby and i want to be there and watch them make some heavy decisions for themselves-- what more in your face place than sin-city?!!), youngest daughter's 13th birthday, and summer ball.
of course as i sit here and think about all of this stuff, the secret i keep deep down is that life keeps going and the more stuff i have to do keeps me from dealing with intense sadness. so the longer i keep thinking about other stuff, the longer it'll be that i'm not dealing with stuff i really should be dealing with. someday this will kick my ass-- ohh, don't i know it.... i've read about it and encouraged others otherwise. talk about calling the kettle black. guess this is where my faith comes in.... i just know god will be watching me..... he'll choose the right time to teach me the error of my ways!! greaatttt-- i have that to look forward to! perhaps i need to re-evaluate now! :)
so much has happened since dad passed away.... lil man went to prom, the HS baseball team is in playoffs, the college team is on their way to the world series in idaho, oldest son completed the local 5K race for the cure, 21st birthday celebrations are well underway-- all those kids who grew up and played sports with our kids. the twins and the lil man all officially became seniors-- of course two seniors of college and one in high school-- but it's the first year their 4 year difference really marks something unique. next year at this time we'll have 3 graduates... weird. youngest daughter will enter 7th grade. dad was always big on following the kids and their sports. he would have marveled at what's happening. he's gonna miss a lot of upcoming celebrations-- hopefully he'll be watching.... but i'll miss seeing him in those photos.
dad bought a cub cadet tractor a little over two years ago. he bought it for us really as he knew it was too complicated for him to use. i still remember "the lesson" we had out in the field-- it was hilarious! learning to drive that thing was something else-- a machine that makes you feel like an idiot. his thinking at the time was that he could ride his "lil blue" tractor along side of us on the cub cadet..... i think we managed to do that once. but-- he still loved grass cutting day..... he would watch hubby ride that cub cadet and chuckle the whole time.... it could turn on a dime and go so fast. of course hubby made a show of it cuz he knew dad was watching.... it looked so easy and fun when someone else used it! that first summer i was caregiving for dad full time, dad went out to the barn and gave it a try. he managed to sit and find the key, but couldn't figure out how to do anything from there. it was one of the first times i experienced the full affect of alz.
guess that popped in my head cuz i now use the cadet. i imagine dad watching me from up there and chuckling. we haven't had it serviced yet this year..... this is probably giving dad a lot of pain.... it's scheduled, dad!!
hubby wears some of dad's shirts and jackets now. dad would be pleased. i love seeing him in that stuff but it sorta throws me when i first notice it. "dad! ohhhh chrimini-- hi honey...." conflicting emotions within one second. jeez oh pete.
i'm gonna have to get a bit more creative with mom. she's doing fine overall, but i see some changes that need to be made to keep her on track. it's time to find reasons to get her back to her office. she's stayed away by sending me for her mail.... the time has come for her to start going back for a couple hours each day. she's becoming a bit of a hermit and i'm seeing signs of depression setting in.
we have some big events happening this summer.... lil man's 17th birthday, hubby's birthday, the twins 21st birthday (a trip to vegas to celebrate this occassion has been booked-- i offered this to them a long time ago... thought this was a pretty good way to spend your 21st.... hubby and i want to be there and watch them make some heavy decisions for themselves-- what more in your face place than sin-city?!!), youngest daughter's 13th birthday, and summer ball.
of course as i sit here and think about all of this stuff, the secret i keep deep down is that life keeps going and the more stuff i have to do keeps me from dealing with intense sadness. so the longer i keep thinking about other stuff, the longer it'll be that i'm not dealing with stuff i really should be dealing with. someday this will kick my ass-- ohh, don't i know it.... i've read about it and encouraged others otherwise. talk about calling the kettle black. guess this is where my faith comes in.... i just know god will be watching me..... he'll choose the right time to teach me the error of my ways!! greaatttt-- i have that to look forward to! perhaps i need to re-evaluate now! :)
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