8/9/07 -- (a)

heavy thoughts today....

starting with the 6th sense. dad opened the door this morning... all his clothes were put on right, a huge smile on his face and the bonus-- a hug and a kiss! ohhhh man, THANK YOU, DAD!!

but....
do you somehow "know" that the nurse is coming tomorrow for your assessment?!!
do you somehow "know" that i'm feeling sad over planning your future?!!

my fears. there's no cure for alzheimer's. there are ways to slow it down-- while that's something.... i wonder if that's a something good or a something bad. because of the time i've spent with dad, today, i'm feeling like it's more of a something bad. tomorrow that may change, but hear me out.

slowing down a disease that takes 20 years to kill ya, that takes our precious minds away one day at a time, that puts us into a place where nothing remains, that impacts not only you, but every single person around you-- is it worth slowing down?! now, i'm not saying speed it up-- but, the reality is.... we're essentially prolonging the world of nothing-ness and bringing the family along for the long-ass ride.

those drugs aren't bad things-- they provide good help with many symptoms an alz patient endures. my thoughts are only on the fact that they slow the diseases progression a bit. to me (today), those drugs are almost cruel! almost like-- tell ya what, take these, you'll be ok for awhile but they really won't help you at all in the end cuz you're still gonna die with no mind and no memories and oh by the way, you're gonna stop walking, stop swallowing. good luck!

with that, thoughts go back to myself.... if i'm ever diagnosed with this damn disease, i'm going to be the one to check myself into the proper facility. i already know my family will visit me... i have no problem meeting new people and the best part of the whole thing will be knowing my family can go on with their lives knowing i'm being well taken care of. (well, perhaps the best part will be my decision to have never gotten a tattoo anywhere on my body-- but i'm off the subject at hand now)

perhaps i'm just full of big thoughts because of tomorrow's assessment. our family knows we're moving toward moving dad into a facility. we're guessing it will be by years end--

nice place we've found. yet-- taking dad out of his home of 45 years.... his wife, the animals, the yard, the neighbors. damn hard.... DAMN HARD. yeah, yeah, special things can go with him... there will be new activities and new people-- those things he needs and loves... i know, i know.

enough! i must now digress .... and go back to not having a tattoo.

ok-- i feel better purging all that so signing off. (mental note-- remind hubby to get that long-term healthcare stuff in order)