youngest son has successfully moved onto the world of college. wahoo! he moved into his dorm a week ago-- thanks to his siblings, the move was not only efficient but also inspirational. one sib took the job of moving the big stuff, the other took the job of introducing him to peeps. (i should mention they all go/went to the same university) when all was done and i headed toward home, i drove by the 3 of them walking together on the sidewalk toward a new student center. i will never lose that mental picture... it makes no difference to me that an actual picture couldn't be taken... it'll stay with me forever.
i had no sad tears as my baby-- the last to leave-- was hugged goodbye. for the record i didn't have sad tears when i said goodbye to the twins 4 years ago either. while others may consider this a mothers failing, i can only respond by knowing how i raised 'em. one goodbye-- even one a big as this, simply isn't one of over-powering sadness for me. this was what i shed blood, sweat and tears for 18 years over! i was the hardass, the mentor, the listener, the reachable, the challenger, the guide, the diversion, the 'whoa now,' the 'wellll, huh,' the communicator and provider-- as well as the failure. (yeah, who woulda thunk it?!!) not one of 'em has forgotten who they are or where/what they come from. not one of 'em has dettached themselves from the true core as they venture into their own lives. the gifts i helped give them are to be enjoyed and i'll be damned if i'm gonna put a string attached to them now! it's their time to flyyyyy.
mom has ONE more rad treatment to go-- she did it! YAY!! we've made some new friends during this process.... you can hardly sit in the same waiting room every single day and not reach out to someone going thru the same thing. not forgetting the valets, to the information desk clerks, to the techs, nurses and docs.... they all made this crappy thing endurable. all said, mom is one very blessed lady. some of our new friends really have it rough. we'll keep praying for them.
up next is treating her thyroid. we have no idea what the plan is at this point tho. we could be meeting new friends for all i know. i'm simply grateful she has a break now... her burns are painful and she needs recoup time (even tho the rad will continue it's burn for possibly months, at least it's not direct anymore).
there's a possible job on my horizon. it's a work in progress thing that's been happening for a short while now and it's mind-boggling to me how true "god's plan and time" is. i've got plenty to be concerned about yet gotta trust-- have faith-- that this isn't another test i must overcome. somehow there's got to be an acceptable middle ground for what i do and what needs to be done.
i see doable compromises available... but are they acceptable in god's eyes, in an employers eyes, in my mom's eyes, in... mine? we shall see.
hugs to all out there who continue to follow this blog.
Monday, August 24, 2009
Wednesday, August 5, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
7/29/2009
i suppose it was a radical inquiry.... i did one of those on-line longevity calculators. despite my lame lifestyle.... and i did answer every question with complete honesty, why lie to a computer? here are my results:
age: 45
biological age: 43.1
life expectancy: 86.2
it's time to encourage my children to plan for my old age... evidently i'm gonna be around awhile.
happy birthday, oldest children.... the big ole 22! you've got 40 more years of fun to enjoy before you'll be hiring someone to change my diapers.
age: 45
biological age: 43.1
life expectancy: 86.2
it's time to encourage my children to plan for my old age... evidently i'm gonna be around awhile.
happy birthday, oldest children.... the big ole 22! you've got 40 more years of fun to enjoy before you'll be hiring someone to change my diapers.
Friday, July 24, 2009
friday 7/24/09
finally the wait is over. no chemo for mom.
it's difficult to explain all the emotions. for us, it all comes down to 'ok, the scare is over. now let's move on.' do we have major relief? hell yeah. major.
my brother had a hard time wrapping his head around the whole week. it's hard, i believe, to be removed from the day to day-- getting info from me rather than living it as we do. no sooner did he start processing thoughts of mom going thru chemo, the conclusion that she's not having it took place. he's got so much business and life to fill in the gaps, it's no wonder it's hard to get from A to B. it is what it is.... neither of us is going to change our individual daily duties. i'm not sure if i need to say i'm sorry to him.... i don't feel like i've done anything to be sorry for.... i tell him everything i know as timely as things happen. this is a disease we're talking about, it's not a math equation one might be able to google an answer to. but i know it's difficult for him, so yeah, i feel bad when answers aren't immediate or exact.
i find myself frustrated at the whole thing tho. i don't get pounded on for answers but my answers aren't exactly what he needs to hear and i 'feel' that from our conversations. there's a part of me that wants to say 'hey, here's the docs phone number. give 'em a call!' i don't do that but that's how the conversations make me feel.
anyway-- that aside. this is what we learned today.
mom could have chemo once a week for the next 5 weeks. she would also have vomiting, nausea, acne type lesions, rashes, lose her hair and all the fun stuff one gets from the poison. what would having chemo do? it would increase her chances of living cancer free another 6%.
with the surgery done and the 2 tumors removed and with the radiation therapy she's under-going now, her chances of living cancer free are 92%. even with both chemo and rad, she'd not get to 100%! (no one will with cancer)
sooo, being a rather frail 73 year old, the decision to not have chemo was practically a no-brainer. the stats tell the story. would it help? yeah, it might. would it help her achieve a better quality of life? nope. sooo, i went back to my oldest and most basic question...... 'doc, if this was YOUR mom, would you encourage chemo?'
'no.'
after the doc said no, he looked mom straight in the eye and said, 'you've made a very acceptable decision.'
end of story. not really, but it's the end of this particular story!
it's difficult to explain all the emotions. for us, it all comes down to 'ok, the scare is over. now let's move on.' do we have major relief? hell yeah. major.
my brother had a hard time wrapping his head around the whole week. it's hard, i believe, to be removed from the day to day-- getting info from me rather than living it as we do. no sooner did he start processing thoughts of mom going thru chemo, the conclusion that she's not having it took place. he's got so much business and life to fill in the gaps, it's no wonder it's hard to get from A to B. it is what it is.... neither of us is going to change our individual daily duties. i'm not sure if i need to say i'm sorry to him.... i don't feel like i've done anything to be sorry for.... i tell him everything i know as timely as things happen. this is a disease we're talking about, it's not a math equation one might be able to google an answer to. but i know it's difficult for him, so yeah, i feel bad when answers aren't immediate or exact.
i find myself frustrated at the whole thing tho. i don't get pounded on for answers but my answers aren't exactly what he needs to hear and i 'feel' that from our conversations. there's a part of me that wants to say 'hey, here's the docs phone number. give 'em a call!' i don't do that but that's how the conversations make me feel.
anyway-- that aside. this is what we learned today.
mom could have chemo once a week for the next 5 weeks. she would also have vomiting, nausea, acne type lesions, rashes, lose her hair and all the fun stuff one gets from the poison. what would having chemo do? it would increase her chances of living cancer free another 6%.
with the surgery done and the 2 tumors removed and with the radiation therapy she's under-going now, her chances of living cancer free are 92%. even with both chemo and rad, she'd not get to 100%! (no one will with cancer)
sooo, being a rather frail 73 year old, the decision to not have chemo was practically a no-brainer. the stats tell the story. would it help? yeah, it might. would it help her achieve a better quality of life? nope. sooo, i went back to my oldest and most basic question...... 'doc, if this was YOUR mom, would you encourage chemo?'
'no.'
after the doc said no, he looked mom straight in the eye and said, 'you've made a very acceptable decision.'
end of story. not really, but it's the end of this particular story!
Monday, July 20, 2009
monday july 20
here we go. radiation begins. guess you can say we're ready but.... there's that letter that came on saturday that threw us until we heard more about it today. the letter was one of those form letters.... it said mom has an appt this friday with so and so doctor at whatever time.
HUH? who's this doc and why do we need an appt with him?!
well.... i can't complain that they didn't try to help answer our question. a couple people called me back and a couple of people at the hospital tried to find out. essentially all we found out was this was a chemo doc. so, we spent most of the day sick to our stomach. awesome.
the phone rang just as i was swinging out the door for youngest son's college appt. i saw it was the hospital so i picked it up while son's face drained all it's color. i know, i know.... we have to go. but i HAVE to get this!
it was one of our prior nurses on the phone who had heard we were asking questions about an appt... man-- i love this woman! she saw us at the hospital today but missed us before we left. so she called letting us know about the chemo doc. i guess the normal protocol with cancer patients is to see both a radiation doc and a chemo doc. but because no one has ever mentioned chemo to us throughout this whole thing we felt like something slipped thru the cracks.
more than that tho, we felt deceived. it was horrible! mom's ready for rad. all prepared and good to go. then...... we might also have chemo?? well, what the heck?! why weren't we told?
anyway, the butt of it is that protocol. all patients see both rad and chemo docs, but you don't necessarily have both treatments. it's a case by case basis. the chemo department is simply 2 weeks behind in their appointments. ohhhhhh! ok then.
so will mom also have chemo? god i hope not. but we'll go to the appt and find out.
i dunno if i'd say it was a good day. but son got his pic taken for his ID, his classes scheduled and his dorm contract signed. and, we got our form letter question answered. our stomachs have recovered from the shock of potential chemo, but.... we're better than we were at 3pm.
HUH? who's this doc and why do we need an appt with him?!
well.... i can't complain that they didn't try to help answer our question. a couple people called me back and a couple of people at the hospital tried to find out. essentially all we found out was this was a chemo doc. so, we spent most of the day sick to our stomach. awesome.
the phone rang just as i was swinging out the door for youngest son's college appt. i saw it was the hospital so i picked it up while son's face drained all it's color. i know, i know.... we have to go. but i HAVE to get this!
it was one of our prior nurses on the phone who had heard we were asking questions about an appt... man-- i love this woman! she saw us at the hospital today but missed us before we left. so she called letting us know about the chemo doc. i guess the normal protocol with cancer patients is to see both a radiation doc and a chemo doc. but because no one has ever mentioned chemo to us throughout this whole thing we felt like something slipped thru the cracks.
more than that tho, we felt deceived. it was horrible! mom's ready for rad. all prepared and good to go. then...... we might also have chemo?? well, what the heck?! why weren't we told?
anyway, the butt of it is that protocol. all patients see both rad and chemo docs, but you don't necessarily have both treatments. it's a case by case basis. the chemo department is simply 2 weeks behind in their appointments. ohhhhhh! ok then.
so will mom also have chemo? god i hope not. but we'll go to the appt and find out.
i dunno if i'd say it was a good day. but son got his pic taken for his ID, his classes scheduled and his dorm contract signed. and, we got our form letter question answered. our stomachs have recovered from the shock of potential chemo, but.... we're better than we were at 3pm.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
thursday... a bit of fun
the day has been extremely stressful.... so when i got an update on oldest daughter, some fun entered the day-- yay!
my daughter really did it right when she got her first full time job. she earned every letter on that job offer, lemme tell you.
anyway.... she's in chicago doing a client promotion. check out what she helped put together:
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Just-Another-Day-of-Showering-With-Strangers.html
my daughter really did it right when she got her first full time job. she earned every letter on that job offer, lemme tell you.
anyway.... she's in chicago doing a client promotion. check out what she helped put together:
http://www.nbcchicago.com/news/local/Just-Another-Day-of-Showering-With-Strangers.html
Sunday, July 5, 2009
sunday! 7/5/09
finally got mom's room painted today. WAHOO! youngest son and oldest daughter helped.... timed that one right, eh?!! haha. ohhh- the dog helped too.... he resembles a dalmation now. bath sometime soon, but not tonight.
all bedding and curtains were washed during the process.... got the curtains hung back up already, waiting on bedding to dry. in the meanwhile, i put only her necessary items back in. i had her do a walk thru with me and she decided to paint a couple more things so i don't wanna going moving things for the 3rd time. as long as the walls were beautious i am happy to do more pieces parts for her!! she was so happy.
tomorrow is making of the mask day. mom gets her nails done later in the afternoon-- gonna be a tired lil one! she's using all her energy thinking about what pictures she wants where, so at least she's not festering over cancer stuff. my bro took all his pics down and stuff out last month in prep for this day of painting.... finally-- she'll get her room to look exactly as she wants it-- no remaining kid stuff to work around. she moved into that room to give dad space and to give her some peace. she doesn't wanna go back into 'dad's' room-- their marriage bedroom. makes me sorta sad but at least she's happy.
hope everyone had a safe holiday! back to the grindstone, eh?
all bedding and curtains were washed during the process.... got the curtains hung back up already, waiting on bedding to dry. in the meanwhile, i put only her necessary items back in. i had her do a walk thru with me and she decided to paint a couple more things so i don't wanna going moving things for the 3rd time. as long as the walls were beautious i am happy to do more pieces parts for her!! she was so happy.
tomorrow is making of the mask day. mom gets her nails done later in the afternoon-- gonna be a tired lil one! she's using all her energy thinking about what pictures she wants where, so at least she's not festering over cancer stuff. my bro took all his pics down and stuff out last month in prep for this day of painting.... finally-- she'll get her room to look exactly as she wants it-- no remaining kid stuff to work around. she moved into that room to give dad space and to give her some peace. she doesn't wanna go back into 'dad's' room-- their marriage bedroom. makes me sorta sad but at least she's happy.
hope everyone had a safe holiday! back to the grindstone, eh?
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