happy birthday to my bro! too bad he hasn't a clue how old he is..... we had our monthly sibling dinner friday night-- joining us that night was mom and dad's college roommate and his wife. the conversation turned to my brother's birthday and the question was asked how old..... bro came up with an answer that only proved how many hours he'd been working that week!
FINALLY got my laptop back!! wahooo!! it's been over a month. for all those concerned-- i'm fine. just a bit out of touch without my lifeline.
mom had one eye done for cataracts.... all's well so far. she has the other eye done next week. other than her life now directed around eyedrops, mom's in very good spirits! i watched the surgery... didn't think i could, but wow-- how kewl!! wasn't gross at all.
the biggest news on my end is i'm now employed.... i've been looking for the perfect situation that allowed me to be here with mom. it seems to have found me and i start tomorrow. i'll be working in a wellness center... it's only 4 days a week and a schedule that allows me to do everything with the kids and mom that i need to... amazing. thank you, god!
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Friday, June 27, 2008
it's a friday and it's june....
:) my days are running together!
so i brought the jo down to mom's to give him a bath.... she's got the fancy hose thing so it's easier washing him here than at home. the pups doesn't mind getting a bath, but getting him in there is always a special task. i managed to get him locked in the back of the house where the bath and bedrooms are..... after running the water and laying out the towels, i went in search of my 4-legged buddy.
sure i wish i had my camera...... it was a scene the brain will never forget.
the jo was in dad's bed-- laying on dad's side of the bed with his head actually on the pillow.
i had to leave him there for a bit..... an overwhelming feeling said dad was there with him-- it was a moment.
later that night-- before i could tell hubby about the jo/dad moment, hubby called.... i was back down here at mom's getting her ready for bed. he was being told things-- random things-- from what he felt was an older man. hubby wrote all the stuff down for me... nothing makes sense at the moment... a name of someone i don't know (yet), a city, some dollar amounts or numbers, not sure.
i'll let you know if something comes of all that..... right now, the hair on the back of my neck is up. there's something to this..... dr. watson and i will be following the trail.
hi, what's up, dad?! i love you. i miss you.
so i brought the jo down to mom's to give him a bath.... she's got the fancy hose thing so it's easier washing him here than at home. the pups doesn't mind getting a bath, but getting him in there is always a special task. i managed to get him locked in the back of the house where the bath and bedrooms are..... after running the water and laying out the towels, i went in search of my 4-legged buddy.
sure i wish i had my camera...... it was a scene the brain will never forget.
the jo was in dad's bed-- laying on dad's side of the bed with his head actually on the pillow.
i had to leave him there for a bit..... an overwhelming feeling said dad was there with him-- it was a moment.
later that night-- before i could tell hubby about the jo/dad moment, hubby called.... i was back down here at mom's getting her ready for bed. he was being told things-- random things-- from what he felt was an older man. hubby wrote all the stuff down for me... nothing makes sense at the moment... a name of someone i don't know (yet), a city, some dollar amounts or numbers, not sure.
i'll let you know if something comes of all that..... right now, the hair on the back of my neck is up. there's something to this..... dr. watson and i will be following the trail.
hi, what's up, dad?! i love you. i miss you.
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Sunday, June 1, 2008
sunday, 6/1/08
got an email last night.... one of the neighbor boys had a graduation party in full swing-- the dog was attached to my hip in fear-- i had to give both of us a break so went downstairs to youngest sons computer to get us both away from the party noise coming thru the windows. there they were staring at me-- those two words "hey guys..."
i knew. my heart fell as i opened the email. my friends dad is in hospice-- day #1.
before i could read anything else i trucked upstairs-- the dog followed in panic-- (ohh if dogs could talk!!) and poured myself a glass of wine. hubby and youngest son had gone to a late movie and it was up to me to deal with the night. we trucked back downstairs-- pups crawled deep into sons bed as i sat down to read, glass in hand.
i must have sat there for 10 minutes with tears in my eyes. it was hospice with dad all over again. i understood what was happening instantly-- i've yet to have a good cry for dad-- it's all bottled up. still is-- those tears were for my friend. i raised my glass and sorta chuckled at my weakness-- last drop of wine went down in a gulp... damn co-dependency..... thought that crap was gone. god's sense of humor. deal, katmir. one way or another, i gotta deal.
daaaaaddddddd!!
i knew. my heart fell as i opened the email. my friends dad is in hospice-- day #1.
before i could read anything else i trucked upstairs-- the dog followed in panic-- (ohh if dogs could talk!!) and poured myself a glass of wine. hubby and youngest son had gone to a late movie and it was up to me to deal with the night. we trucked back downstairs-- pups crawled deep into sons bed as i sat down to read, glass in hand.
i must have sat there for 10 minutes with tears in my eyes. it was hospice with dad all over again. i understood what was happening instantly-- i've yet to have a good cry for dad-- it's all bottled up. still is-- those tears were for my friend. i raised my glass and sorta chuckled at my weakness-- last drop of wine went down in a gulp... damn co-dependency..... thought that crap was gone. god's sense of humor. deal, katmir. one way or another, i gotta deal.
daaaaaddddddd!!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
random
in another few weeks, it'll mark the 3rd month of dad's passing. and, memorial day is next week so hubby and i will be doing our cemetery rounds..... this will be the first time dad will be included. we don't have his marker yet-- this makes me sad. dad's best childhood friend, gale, will be included this year, too.
so much has happened since dad passed away.... lil man went to prom, the HS baseball team is in playoffs, the college team is on their way to the world series in idaho, oldest son completed the local 5K race for the cure, 21st birthday celebrations are well underway-- all those kids who grew up and played sports with our kids. the twins and the lil man all officially became seniors-- of course two seniors of college and one in high school-- but it's the first year their 4 year difference really marks something unique. next year at this time we'll have 3 graduates... weird. youngest daughter will enter 7th grade. dad was always big on following the kids and their sports. he would have marveled at what's happening. he's gonna miss a lot of upcoming celebrations-- hopefully he'll be watching.... but i'll miss seeing him in those photos.
dad bought a cub cadet tractor a little over two years ago. he bought it for us really as he knew it was too complicated for him to use. i still remember "the lesson" we had out in the field-- it was hilarious! learning to drive that thing was something else-- a machine that makes you feel like an idiot. his thinking at the time was that he could ride his "lil blue" tractor along side of us on the cub cadet..... i think we managed to do that once. but-- he still loved grass cutting day..... he would watch hubby ride that cub cadet and chuckle the whole time.... it could turn on a dime and go so fast. of course hubby made a show of it cuz he knew dad was watching.... it looked so easy and fun when someone else used it! that first summer i was caregiving for dad full time, dad went out to the barn and gave it a try. he managed to sit and find the key, but couldn't figure out how to do anything from there. it was one of the first times i experienced the full affect of alz.
guess that popped in my head cuz i now use the cadet. i imagine dad watching me from up there and chuckling. we haven't had it serviced yet this year..... this is probably giving dad a lot of pain.... it's scheduled, dad!!
hubby wears some of dad's shirts and jackets now. dad would be pleased. i love seeing him in that stuff but it sorta throws me when i first notice it. "dad! ohhhh chrimini-- hi honey...." conflicting emotions within one second. jeez oh pete.
i'm gonna have to get a bit more creative with mom. she's doing fine overall, but i see some changes that need to be made to keep her on track. it's time to find reasons to get her back to her office. she's stayed away by sending me for her mail.... the time has come for her to start going back for a couple hours each day. she's becoming a bit of a hermit and i'm seeing signs of depression setting in.
we have some big events happening this summer.... lil man's 17th birthday, hubby's birthday, the twins 21st birthday (a trip to vegas to celebrate this occassion has been booked-- i offered this to them a long time ago... thought this was a pretty good way to spend your 21st.... hubby and i want to be there and watch them make some heavy decisions for themselves-- what more in your face place than sin-city?!!), youngest daughter's 13th birthday, and summer ball.
of course as i sit here and think about all of this stuff, the secret i keep deep down is that life keeps going and the more stuff i have to do keeps me from dealing with intense sadness. so the longer i keep thinking about other stuff, the longer it'll be that i'm not dealing with stuff i really should be dealing with. someday this will kick my ass-- ohh, don't i know it.... i've read about it and encouraged others otherwise. talk about calling the kettle black. guess this is where my faith comes in.... i just know god will be watching me..... he'll choose the right time to teach me the error of my ways!! greaatttt-- i have that to look forward to! perhaps i need to re-evaluate now! :)
so much has happened since dad passed away.... lil man went to prom, the HS baseball team is in playoffs, the college team is on their way to the world series in idaho, oldest son completed the local 5K race for the cure, 21st birthday celebrations are well underway-- all those kids who grew up and played sports with our kids. the twins and the lil man all officially became seniors-- of course two seniors of college and one in high school-- but it's the first year their 4 year difference really marks something unique. next year at this time we'll have 3 graduates... weird. youngest daughter will enter 7th grade. dad was always big on following the kids and their sports. he would have marveled at what's happening. he's gonna miss a lot of upcoming celebrations-- hopefully he'll be watching.... but i'll miss seeing him in those photos.
dad bought a cub cadet tractor a little over two years ago. he bought it for us really as he knew it was too complicated for him to use. i still remember "the lesson" we had out in the field-- it was hilarious! learning to drive that thing was something else-- a machine that makes you feel like an idiot. his thinking at the time was that he could ride his "lil blue" tractor along side of us on the cub cadet..... i think we managed to do that once. but-- he still loved grass cutting day..... he would watch hubby ride that cub cadet and chuckle the whole time.... it could turn on a dime and go so fast. of course hubby made a show of it cuz he knew dad was watching.... it looked so easy and fun when someone else used it! that first summer i was caregiving for dad full time, dad went out to the barn and gave it a try. he managed to sit and find the key, but couldn't figure out how to do anything from there. it was one of the first times i experienced the full affect of alz.
guess that popped in my head cuz i now use the cadet. i imagine dad watching me from up there and chuckling. we haven't had it serviced yet this year..... this is probably giving dad a lot of pain.... it's scheduled, dad!!
hubby wears some of dad's shirts and jackets now. dad would be pleased. i love seeing him in that stuff but it sorta throws me when i first notice it. "dad! ohhhh chrimini-- hi honey...." conflicting emotions within one second. jeez oh pete.
i'm gonna have to get a bit more creative with mom. she's doing fine overall, but i see some changes that need to be made to keep her on track. it's time to find reasons to get her back to her office. she's stayed away by sending me for her mail.... the time has come for her to start going back for a couple hours each day. she's becoming a bit of a hermit and i'm seeing signs of depression setting in.
we have some big events happening this summer.... lil man's 17th birthday, hubby's birthday, the twins 21st birthday (a trip to vegas to celebrate this occassion has been booked-- i offered this to them a long time ago... thought this was a pretty good way to spend your 21st.... hubby and i want to be there and watch them make some heavy decisions for themselves-- what more in your face place than sin-city?!!), youngest daughter's 13th birthday, and summer ball.
of course as i sit here and think about all of this stuff, the secret i keep deep down is that life keeps going and the more stuff i have to do keeps me from dealing with intense sadness. so the longer i keep thinking about other stuff, the longer it'll be that i'm not dealing with stuff i really should be dealing with. someday this will kick my ass-- ohh, don't i know it.... i've read about it and encouraged others otherwise. talk about calling the kettle black. guess this is where my faith comes in.... i just know god will be watching me..... he'll choose the right time to teach me the error of my ways!! greaatttt-- i have that to look forward to! perhaps i need to re-evaluate now! :)
Monday, March 17, 2008
when death is close... our experience
it struck me the other day that i became most fearful when i didn't know what to look for in the death experience. i went to the place i knew i would find clues the fastest-- my friends blogs. i knew when their loved ones passed so could go right to the weeks prior to read their experiences.
wow-- y'all sure put my mind at ease. certain things were written that i even brought mom out to read thru-- these pieces gave us courage, knowledge and peace of mind. THANK YOU.
thought that i would share some of that stuff with you today-- in hopes of helping just one other person who might need to understand those same things. granted you should know that everyone's death is individual, there are some things that are pretty standard. although i'm sure i'll dabble between both.... here's our story:
in november of 2007, dad started sleeping more and more. he was still talking, eating and still had recognition, but that sleeping 22 to 24 hours a day for days on end was un-nerving.
december was pretty much the same, but the solid food meals became less. he was still drinking fluids like crazy so his nutrition came primarily from carnation instant milk... but he still loved his fruit and his eggs on those days swallowing wasn't difficult.
january 2008 brought on some personality changes. dad was always a quiet man... very participatory in conversations-- just not chatty... january brought more head nodding and listening. he lost his desire to come out from the bedroom and sit among us. he lost his desire to see visitors or watch the neighbors thru the windows. he also became more picky about what he would eat and would do weird things with his food. this was different as he'd always eaten what was served.
february brought less and less of dad. swallowing became more difficult, talking was there but only responsive if anything. there was a lot of mumbling. his breathing was always labored. he used his walker only to get to the bathroom and back into bed... and he began falling. by the end of february he was not taking any nutition at all. he would go for days without anything. it was at this time i called his primary doc and ordered home healthcare.
i felt-- at the time, that i wasn't doing dad's caregiving well enough... thinking that they would assist dad with better "medical" type help. he hadn't been taking his pills, no fluids or nutrition... he stopped peeing-- no bowel movements in days. by their 2nd visit, they recommended dad go to the hospital. they called the ambulance-- i went back to dad and told him we were going to the hospital. this startled him but he didn't put up a fight. i could see it in his eyes tho.... "please only do what's right." i could have died right on the spot. i knew his wishes but i also knew that we had to take care of him-- it didn't feel all that wrong. i just had to get it in my head that the delicate balance of what dad wanted and what he needed had to be done.
we spent 10 hours in the ER. they put a catheter in him. this was the 2nd time i could have died right on the spot. i hope this memory goes away-- i think those hours in the ER is the worst thing i've ever sat thru in my life so far. he tugged and tugged at that catheter. he was restless, he was in pain, he had people poking him all the time. that misery on his face had me in such a state of "what was i thinking" i couldn't function.
by 11pm that night he was admitted and in his hospital room. while dad did his best to sleep, i went thru all the medical history with the floor nurse and then.... we talked DNR CC.
OMG.
we had sent all the legal papers in the ambulance with dad so the hospital knew his wishes. i knew his wishes. but even with all that stuff, it sorta hits you hard when the actual conversation comes about.
anyway. dad's first couple of days in the hospital were the easiest. i had good contact with the doc. dad had awesome nurses and techs. the most disturbing part of those first days was an infection dad got from the cath. he never stopped fussing with it-- the whole 8 days he was there.... this broke me. but, the medical world insisted on it. we had a social worker talking us into some rehab in a facility in hopes of dad getting his leg strength back. i remained leary but open to their thoughts of what they felt was best.
into the weekend, i saw less and less of that need for rehab. the doc became this person who had been in earlier and he never returned my pleas for his calls. i left sticky notes everywhere! the earlier talk of a feeding tube had ceased. the nurses, while helpful, became less. i don't say this as a fault of them... but i think they saw me as dad's advocate of "why do this anymore" and that's not the way they are trained. they are trained to heal and all efforts must simply adhear to that.
this was frustrating to mom, my brother an especially me. my days consisted on coming down here to mom's first thing in the morning, taking care of her and the dog and animals, going off to the hospital to see dad, coming home to take care of mom at lunchtime, going back to the hospital, coming back to mom's, then collapsing at home to do it all over again-- ohh- and yeah, there's the hubby and kids inbetween to acknowledge! so i was tired-- and having to report to my brother who was traveling at the time-- and to my mom, that the hospital staff is doing this to dad, he's going thru that test, we're waiting on rehab facilities, this could happen, that could happen.... all the while dad is being poked at, tugging at his cath, faces in his face telling him they're going to do this or that-- all different faces... he would look at me, wink or groan and i would melt. i just had to get him home.
he knew. i knew. it was time. enough was enough.
monday night brought in a new social worker. time to force the issue. it was a fight at first but i stayed on her. finally she took a breath and acknowledged what we wanted-- dad to go home under hospice. within minutes the cath and IV came out. i came home to mom's and told her of this small success. that was the first night in days either of us slept.
while i certainly can't get too upset over that last fight, i see a real need for hospital staff to become better at acknowledging the lines of death with family. if i hadn't fought for this, if i hadn't become almost too focal for this, i honestly believe they would have kept treating dad. i was the one who had to ask repeatedly "what are you treating?!!" "what are you hoping to heal?!!" "tell me something new... tell me something medical that contradicts my opinion."
tuesday i went into the hospital thinking dad would be released. funny how those decision makers made themselves scarce. i called, i asked, i left sticky notes. nada. i'm livid by this time. my brother returned home from his travels hoping that i had succeeded in getting dad home. mom was ready-- waiting-- praying.
repeat all that on wednesday.... however, managed to rope the social worker in. she called hospice and i met with them on the spot wednesday afternoon. again went thru all the decisions and made appropriate plans. dad's hospital bed, gel mat, table were delivered to the house by 5pm. one hour earlier and i coulda gotten dad home.... but.... got it ok'd that he'd be transported home thursday morning. this went without a hitch. hospice came thru with determination and grace. they handled it all from the moment i hugged our hospice nurse to seal the deal.
by thursday afternoon we had hospice in the house twice. the 4 hospice meds were ordered and i picked them up. we had a blizzard coming in on friday-- these HAD to be in-house. hospice pays for everything you need while under their care... i walked outta the pharmacy without dropping a dime. maryann waited at home with mom, when i arrived and handed her the meds, she took another 45 minutes to fill the syringes with dad's doseage, filled me in on the how and whens and gave us a crash course on the difference of prevention vs. comfort care.
dad's face was full of relief. he could once again look out his window and feel the warmth of his room. he was immediately emotionally comfortable.
friday the storm came in and we gave dad his meds via syringe in the side of his mouth-- no shots, it was all liquid that absorbs thru the skin. he remained comfortable-- and there was no fear.
saturday was the day dad began his active death experience. his breathing changed-- his breathing stopped and started. anyone who was near him could hear the difference. here's the link to describe pre-active dying and active dying (dad was in pre-active dying for just over three weeks, active dying for 3 days.):
http://www.hospicepatients.org/hospic60.html
our experience with active dying was the noticeable change in breathing, the coolness of his hands, his loss of consciousness, his rigid body, the changed skin color.
sunday was the same as saturday... as was monday. by monday afternoon, a quiet fluttering was heard while he took breaths. it grew louder as the evening went on. this of course is "the death rattle" but to me it seemed more like a flutter or gurgle.
while brother and i sat with him monday night, we talked to him and held his hand. a few times he seemed to relax but the non-stop breathing thru the mouth persisted. this surprised me... i thought we'd see him stop breathing even during this stage. around 9pm, dad opened his eyes for us... big and beautiful! there was peace on his face. he shut them again, then opened them two more times before he took his last, soft breath at 10:51pm. it was very gentle and beautiful.
after awhile, i called hospice. they were in-house within the hour. dena called the details in, then scheduled the funeral home to pick up dad's body. she stayed with us the whole time. we got the narcotics out of the house immediately, cleaned things up a bit then locked the house door by 2am, the final time dad would exit.
here's another link that proved so very helpful to mom and me. it goes thru things that might be on your mind. we found it invalueable.
http://www.healthandage.com/html/min/gentle_endings/web/managing/intro.htm
hope this helps someone out there.
wow-- y'all sure put my mind at ease. certain things were written that i even brought mom out to read thru-- these pieces gave us courage, knowledge and peace of mind. THANK YOU.
thought that i would share some of that stuff with you today-- in hopes of helping just one other person who might need to understand those same things. granted you should know that everyone's death is individual, there are some things that are pretty standard. although i'm sure i'll dabble between both.... here's our story:
in november of 2007, dad started sleeping more and more. he was still talking, eating and still had recognition, but that sleeping 22 to 24 hours a day for days on end was un-nerving.
december was pretty much the same, but the solid food meals became less. he was still drinking fluids like crazy so his nutrition came primarily from carnation instant milk... but he still loved his fruit and his eggs on those days swallowing wasn't difficult.
january 2008 brought on some personality changes. dad was always a quiet man... very participatory in conversations-- just not chatty... january brought more head nodding and listening. he lost his desire to come out from the bedroom and sit among us. he lost his desire to see visitors or watch the neighbors thru the windows. he also became more picky about what he would eat and would do weird things with his food. this was different as he'd always eaten what was served.
february brought less and less of dad. swallowing became more difficult, talking was there but only responsive if anything. there was a lot of mumbling. his breathing was always labored. he used his walker only to get to the bathroom and back into bed... and he began falling. by the end of february he was not taking any nutition at all. he would go for days without anything. it was at this time i called his primary doc and ordered home healthcare.
i felt-- at the time, that i wasn't doing dad's caregiving well enough... thinking that they would assist dad with better "medical" type help. he hadn't been taking his pills, no fluids or nutrition... he stopped peeing-- no bowel movements in days. by their 2nd visit, they recommended dad go to the hospital. they called the ambulance-- i went back to dad and told him we were going to the hospital. this startled him but he didn't put up a fight. i could see it in his eyes tho.... "please only do what's right." i could have died right on the spot. i knew his wishes but i also knew that we had to take care of him-- it didn't feel all that wrong. i just had to get it in my head that the delicate balance of what dad wanted and what he needed had to be done.
we spent 10 hours in the ER. they put a catheter in him. this was the 2nd time i could have died right on the spot. i hope this memory goes away-- i think those hours in the ER is the worst thing i've ever sat thru in my life so far. he tugged and tugged at that catheter. he was restless, he was in pain, he had people poking him all the time. that misery on his face had me in such a state of "what was i thinking" i couldn't function.
by 11pm that night he was admitted and in his hospital room. while dad did his best to sleep, i went thru all the medical history with the floor nurse and then.... we talked DNR CC.
OMG.
we had sent all the legal papers in the ambulance with dad so the hospital knew his wishes. i knew his wishes. but even with all that stuff, it sorta hits you hard when the actual conversation comes about.
anyway. dad's first couple of days in the hospital were the easiest. i had good contact with the doc. dad had awesome nurses and techs. the most disturbing part of those first days was an infection dad got from the cath. he never stopped fussing with it-- the whole 8 days he was there.... this broke me. but, the medical world insisted on it. we had a social worker talking us into some rehab in a facility in hopes of dad getting his leg strength back. i remained leary but open to their thoughts of what they felt was best.
into the weekend, i saw less and less of that need for rehab. the doc became this person who had been in earlier and he never returned my pleas for his calls. i left sticky notes everywhere! the earlier talk of a feeding tube had ceased. the nurses, while helpful, became less. i don't say this as a fault of them... but i think they saw me as dad's advocate of "why do this anymore" and that's not the way they are trained. they are trained to heal and all efforts must simply adhear to that.
this was frustrating to mom, my brother an especially me. my days consisted on coming down here to mom's first thing in the morning, taking care of her and the dog and animals, going off to the hospital to see dad, coming home to take care of mom at lunchtime, going back to the hospital, coming back to mom's, then collapsing at home to do it all over again-- ohh- and yeah, there's the hubby and kids inbetween to acknowledge! so i was tired-- and having to report to my brother who was traveling at the time-- and to my mom, that the hospital staff is doing this to dad, he's going thru that test, we're waiting on rehab facilities, this could happen, that could happen.... all the while dad is being poked at, tugging at his cath, faces in his face telling him they're going to do this or that-- all different faces... he would look at me, wink or groan and i would melt. i just had to get him home.
he knew. i knew. it was time. enough was enough.
monday night brought in a new social worker. time to force the issue. it was a fight at first but i stayed on her. finally she took a breath and acknowledged what we wanted-- dad to go home under hospice. within minutes the cath and IV came out. i came home to mom's and told her of this small success. that was the first night in days either of us slept.
while i certainly can't get too upset over that last fight, i see a real need for hospital staff to become better at acknowledging the lines of death with family. if i hadn't fought for this, if i hadn't become almost too focal for this, i honestly believe they would have kept treating dad. i was the one who had to ask repeatedly "what are you treating?!!" "what are you hoping to heal?!!" "tell me something new... tell me something medical that contradicts my opinion."
tuesday i went into the hospital thinking dad would be released. funny how those decision makers made themselves scarce. i called, i asked, i left sticky notes. nada. i'm livid by this time. my brother returned home from his travels hoping that i had succeeded in getting dad home. mom was ready-- waiting-- praying.
repeat all that on wednesday.... however, managed to rope the social worker in. she called hospice and i met with them on the spot wednesday afternoon. again went thru all the decisions and made appropriate plans. dad's hospital bed, gel mat, table were delivered to the house by 5pm. one hour earlier and i coulda gotten dad home.... but.... got it ok'd that he'd be transported home thursday morning. this went without a hitch. hospice came thru with determination and grace. they handled it all from the moment i hugged our hospice nurse to seal the deal.
by thursday afternoon we had hospice in the house twice. the 4 hospice meds were ordered and i picked them up. we had a blizzard coming in on friday-- these HAD to be in-house. hospice pays for everything you need while under their care... i walked outta the pharmacy without dropping a dime. maryann waited at home with mom, when i arrived and handed her the meds, she took another 45 minutes to fill the syringes with dad's doseage, filled me in on the how and whens and gave us a crash course on the difference of prevention vs. comfort care.
dad's face was full of relief. he could once again look out his window and feel the warmth of his room. he was immediately emotionally comfortable.
friday the storm came in and we gave dad his meds via syringe in the side of his mouth-- no shots, it was all liquid that absorbs thru the skin. he remained comfortable-- and there was no fear.
saturday was the day dad began his active death experience. his breathing changed-- his breathing stopped and started. anyone who was near him could hear the difference. here's the link to describe pre-active dying and active dying (dad was in pre-active dying for just over three weeks, active dying for 3 days.):
http://www.hospicepatients.org/hospic60.html
our experience with active dying was the noticeable change in breathing, the coolness of his hands, his loss of consciousness, his rigid body, the changed skin color.
sunday was the same as saturday... as was monday. by monday afternoon, a quiet fluttering was heard while he took breaths. it grew louder as the evening went on. this of course is "the death rattle" but to me it seemed more like a flutter or gurgle.
while brother and i sat with him monday night, we talked to him and held his hand. a few times he seemed to relax but the non-stop breathing thru the mouth persisted. this surprised me... i thought we'd see him stop breathing even during this stage. around 9pm, dad opened his eyes for us... big and beautiful! there was peace on his face. he shut them again, then opened them two more times before he took his last, soft breath at 10:51pm. it was very gentle and beautiful.
after awhile, i called hospice. they were in-house within the hour. dena called the details in, then scheduled the funeral home to pick up dad's body. she stayed with us the whole time. we got the narcotics out of the house immediately, cleaned things up a bit then locked the house door by 2am, the final time dad would exit.
here's another link that proved so very helpful to mom and me. it goes thru things that might be on your mind. we found it invalueable.
http://www.healthandage.com/html/min/gentle_endings/web/managing/intro.htm
hope this helps someone out there.
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
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